Talking about sex in a new relationship

[WhatIsTheMeaningOfThis]

At what stage in a new relationship would you 'discuss' sex? I read a lot on here about talking about sex before it happens and, to be honest, aside from 'flirting', I've never discussed it with anyone I don't think! Not because I am uncomfortable about it but because I just don't know how to bring it up

I've met someone new and, whilst we're not at that stage yet, I'm not sure at what stage it should come up. Or what to say.

I'd really like to do it 'properly' this time.

wishy yes it makes such a difference doesn't it!!

And I'm not entirely sure I can tell the difference between 'respect' and reticence indicating a deeper problem either

Xpost, OP. Some of our most profound discussion started in messenger TbH. Though we’d often then pick up the phone to continue them.

@WhatIsTheMeaningOfThis yes it totally does!
I suppose all you can do is try and read his signals. Would you be prepared to make the first move?
I'm still really not sure about the discussing it, that seems weird to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Haha, would definitely be prepared to make the first move. I've done it before. I don't believe in women being all demure and waiting for the man to make his move

But I suppose i'm so used to men being very full on sexually right from the start and having to bat them off that not having that kind of makes me feel like I don't know how to proceed. I guess.

Maybe it's more that than 'discussing' it that's playing on my mind. I suppose without any sexual talk at all, there's no way of getting onto things like boundaries; preferences and oral sex!

Well, not without me intentionally bringing it up...

I'm also a bit wary because my ex husband regarded women who made the first move/enjoyed sex as 'sluts'. Obviously, I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought like that anyway. Thinking about it, I've only ever made the first move when I knew it was going to be welcomed.

He initiated hand holding, hugging and a good bye kiss but there hasn't been any snogging - it has only been 2 dates though with no opportunity for privacy or taking it further.

OP. I have replied to you privately.

Not sure I have many boundaries so I've never felt the need to discuss them, I suppose I'd rather just let things progress naturally and explore each other without talking about it first but that's just me.
I'd personally see how date 3 goes, maybe up the flirting a bit

Interesting discussion, I've just started seeing someone after a long term relationship.

No formal discussion needed but on reflection there sort of was - he invited me to stay over and I said I wouldn't be sleeping over but the rest was negotiable. So that was a 'probably' really.

Then I happily insisted on condoms even though neither of us needed contraceptive cover and he was absolutely OK with that (kind of a test in itself)

Boundaries wise all I felt I needed to say was no bum fun, just for clarity (not that there had been any suggestion of it!)

Since then there's been a bit of learn preferences as you go and that's fine for both I reckon. So it doesn't need to be formal and to an extent I do agree that if you are adult enough to be shagging, you need to be able to express your feelings/needs/boundaries at least a bit.

Being naked with a new person is terrifying for me but with a nice person it doesn't have to be that terrifying

Yeh, being naked with somebody you have feelings for is very scary to me right now. I realise, before now, I had a few doomed mcRelationships but I'd slept with them when we were still just putting on our best selves. Man I'm dating now, because of the reticence / respect I feel we know each others' insecurities. I feel ex were men I'd just dated a few times and I didn't feel as emotionally exposed as I do now. And before you've slept with somebody you feel ok, but then somehow after you've slept with somebody all of the openness can feel embarrassing suddenly.

bah! I accidently pressed enter or something. Posted too soon.

I have never discussed it with my beloved DP. We were best friends for a very long time before we became a couple, so that might make a difference. We have been together 3 years and have still never discussed it. No condoms. It is immensely enjoyable, though (far better than I have ever know it, not least because I love him). We just get on with it. I am nearly 50, and he is my third partner. Or the first, if you count blow-jobs.