Too intense? What does it mean?

[inmyshoos]

Ive been seeing someone for a few months. Both of us have dc and have long mostly unhappy marriages behind us.
Its great. Its amazing. We have both said we feel this is like nothing we have had before. I feel so connected in ways i never have before. Cheesy but saying he feels likey soul mate is the best way to describe it. He is very open, great with words, says i am everything he dreamed of and more.

But...

Without doubt he has episodes of poor mental health and normally he manages it through sleep and exercise. We talk openly about it and im honest about my own mental health struggles/awareness of how to stay in good health.
He has crashed twice in the few months together. Lack of sleep is a major factor and getting carried away with the high of the new relationship causes lack of sleep. I get it. However then he crashes and has doubts about his ability to maintain his mental health and such an intense relationship. Ironically the thing that brings such joy causes an additional pressure.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom? I would be gutted if this amazing thing we have found is doomed because of this.

It all sounds a bit much for a few months in. When you say crashed what do you mean? Can you cope long term with his MH struggles? I would be having a good think about it.

He sounds like way too much way too soon. Reg flags are waving high with this one.

All sounds a bit dramatic tbh. I would put my own my as priority and if his 'crashes' are impacting that I would end it.
I also don't really understand why a new relationship would have a negative effect on your sleep. Unless your up all night every night having sex.

Is there any chance he could be bipolar?

I read the OP assuming he does have diagnosed bipolar- could you clarify, does he gave a diagnosed MH condition Or are you talking about more broad keeping of good MH etc?

If he has bipolar, for example, how long he has been managing it successfully for and what support network he has would be factors which would influence whether I considered it wise to pursue things further. He obviously had some self awareness knowing that exercise and sleep are important.

I get why he would have trouble sleeping. I have sometimes had the at the start of relationships because I get so caught up in the adrenalin of connecting with the other person. But tbh, every relationship where that has happened has burnt out fairly quickly. To me it is a sign of too much, too fast. If you want this to work out, I think you need to dial it right down. Make seeing each other an addition to your everyday lives rather than the focus. Make sure you keep pleasure in other parts of your lives. Aim to build up a connection that grows long term rather than the instant connection that overshadows everything. Easier said that done, I know.

Thank you for all the replies.

sonjadog thank you for such an empathic response. Having had such a long term miserable relationship i cant get enough of this new found happiness. The connection feels so overwhelming but absolutely i can see why it is better to calm down and take things slowly. Im just not sure how to actually put that into practice. We dont see each other an awful lot because of work/kids so i suppose once we get together it feels pretty awesome and yes intense. There is probably too much messaging/late night phonecalls once we have got the dc to bed and of course that leads to late nights. I need to be more disciplined with bedtime routine for sure.
He has suffered from depression on and off, but i do think some of his highs/lows are almost typical of bi polar. I have limited experience with it so i could be completely wrong about that.

alittlebitconfused we arent up all night every night having sex, bloody wish i was tbh
We sometimes phone/message late because thats when we have time around the dc/work.
Also when we do sleep together its sometimes hard for us to sleep because we are both light sleepers, him esp so.

Agree not to text after 10pm? Or whatever time. You both need time to wind down off the phone.

What do you mean when you say he "crashed" twice? What does that look like?

dirtybadger so the crashes are like him feeling tired and a bit strung out. He doesnt get stressy with me but he will say he needs to get out and get some endorphins going (doing one of his sports)
Then he doesnt sleep well and he says he feels yuk. Feels completely exhausted, knackered. Then that leads to him saying he isnt feeling well. Then he has all the frustration thst he has neglected himself, not sleeping enough, not exercising enough and also i think the highs of being together are often followed by lows due to the nature of limited time together/excitement/sleep deprivation.
Then he feels pissed off with himself and withdraws. Starts to wonder if being on his own is the only way to manage it. But last time i did say fine, f this, be on your own then, he said he wanted me in his life and we had a big open chat about mental health and agreed we would deal with it.
Its just that when the self doubt starts and he oved analyses our relationship i feel im to blame for him crashing and i find that hard. Because ultimately this is his shit to own.

I would be very careful and take things very slowly OP. Having been in a long term relationship with someone like this, it can get very difficult and very messy.

Making very quick intense relationships is a sign of borderline personality disorder, does he have a diagnosis of this?

Another symptom of his crashes is the language he uses. When he is good he is very loving and caring. All darling, sweetheart, etc but when he isnt feeling good he is much cooler. Sometimes like 2 different people messaging.

Notwhoyouthink no as far as i know he doesnt but i have a close friend who has a daughter with this diagnosis and we have discussed that some of his behaviours are similar. That is a huge worry for me but then i have to say my friends daughter can be so cruel and mean and i have never ever heard him say anything unkind. He is genuinely a good person and i know he tries hard to be absolutely the best version of himself. He has had so much sadness and hurt in his life that tbh i can see why he has episodes of darkness

Perhaps you’re spending too much time together? I don’t always sleep well with a new partner and find it a bit overwhelming if I get tired. Could you see each other a couple of days less a week so he can recharge himself?

Honeyroar we dont see each other very much at all. I think that is half the trouble. Its the messaging, the missing each other, the build up and then we see each other and its so intense but over so quickly and back to the beginning.

All I can say is I am married to someone like this. Amazing for quite a lot of years and then became hard work , not exactly manic depressive but certainly borderline and it’s really not easy, I wouldn’t have suspected it, as it didn’t crop up till at least 5 years in, I think you need to slow it down as he is giving you warning signs before being more committed and tied in

Making very quick intense relationships is a sign of borderline personality disorder

Thought the same. All superintense and then withdraws... Also the 'almost two different people messaging...'. If he is a borderliner, you may very well not be in the phase when he says unkind things. Yet. I'd definitely read up on it if I were you, so you know it, if you see it.

i have never ever heard him say anything unkind

Hmmm, you hardly know him though do you?

All sounds a bit too Cathy and Heathcliffe to me. Intense and sexy but not a long term recipe for happiness.

Are his mh issues undiagnosed or is it just you don't know exactly what they are? I'd be very concerned if he's not sought medical help.

Me time is very important to me so I get that.
Lack of sleep makes me cranky too.
I know if I don't exercise I don't
Feel as good
All seems perfectly normal.

In a new relationship it can get a bit intense and then pulling back is natural.

So far it's all ok.
Just relax and let it happen.
Relationships take work and patience.

Make sure you get your sleep / exercise/ healthy food.

You are only human and need to look after yourself.

Maybe need a bit of therapy if struggling to let go of the sadness of the past.

But that's normal too.

Hi OK. Apologies I was being flippant about the sex thing, that was rather bad judgement on my part.
I just didn't understand the not sleeping part. Tbh it does sound v intense and I don't think that's good for anyone really, MY or not. I'm in a v new 'relationship a couple of months in. We're v open about how we feel and how excited at the possibility of where this could go but I don't feel this intense pull. Due to circumstances we only see each other at weekends but for us that's perfect. It means we have lots of time to do our own thing. Come Friday yeah I miss him a bit but that's mainly excitement about seeing him again because we have such fun together.
I suffer from PTSD due to my last relationship being abusive, that was v intense at the start, but I think that was more to do with his conditioning process beginning. The full on then his 'scared withdrawals were about getting me in that vulnerable place he needed me to be in. I'm in no way saying that's what is happening here btw just that now I thought about it that's my only experience of what you are describing.
With my new man we always send a good morning/goodnight message and usually have a quick chat at some point during the da, usually when we have just got in form work but that's it. I manage my PTSD really well now and part of that is sleep. I'm v regimented about limiting my phone time exercising daily and my evening bedtime routine.
I can imagine it being v hurtful feeling that he is backing off and feeling as though it's your fault, he does need to be aware of that.
As you said he's MY is his responsibility. I would tread with caution, try and calm down the intensity of things and take it from there. But please don't let this affect you. If it does then it's unhealthy no matter how much you feel for him.

It all sounds extremely exhausting.

“He is genuinely a good person”

You have known him 90+days. And of those 90+ days, you’ve actually spent how many days/hours together? A third at best?

You have absolutely no clue if he a good person or not. You don’t know him yet.

You’ve got an idealised version in your head of how you want him to be and you’re trying to fit this stranger into it. Your ideal is already starting to crack with these “crashes” where you feel he’s like a different person.

Nope. That’s all him. You just don’t know him yet.

It sounds a bit like adult ADHD and he's hyperfocused on the relationship, when he's not he seems disinterested which to you might come across as cold. The worse thing about an adhd relationship is the intensity at the start does disappear eventually and then you're left feeling like he doesn't love you or something has gone wrong because the intensity was so much more than a NT relationship would be and you notice the change so much more.

Dopamine levels are increased with exercise and sleep is very important for adhd.

Has he got a MH diagnosis of some kind?

Why did his marriage breakdown ?

My DH has ADHD and it was only diagnosed after 8 years in. Living with him is pretty much like a rollercoaster. The good is amazing and the bad is awful. The key is to getting a diagnosis and putting effort into managing it properly.

As it's early days for you I don't think you can really insist he seek help for whatever these MH problems are. If you continue the relationship then you need to accept it's going to be rocky. Is that what you want?

Thanks for the responses. Thank you too confused for replying again and offering explaination.
To try and answer some questions.

He has been diagnosed with depression, thats as much as i know. He has been on and off antidepressants. It runs in his family. His marriage broke down because of infidelity (not him) and i am completely aware that there will be more to it, not excising the infidelity but without doubt his mh issues would have impacted on the marriage. I have asked a few questions because im curious how they managed but the answers are never really full and perhaps thats intentional or maybe lack of his own insight. I dont know.

He is currently researching herbal remedies for depression (although avoids using this word) There is such a stigma and i know he feels it despite my being very honest and open about it. I think he feels admitting it is a weakness, or pathetic. He has said as much before.

I am trying very hard to be sensible about the future of this relationship. I feel like after 12 years in an emotionally abusive marriage for the first time i feel so loved and cared for. When he is good he is such a lovely kind caring attentive person. I could cope with his dark days better if they didnt make him question/analyse our relationship and whether he can handle it or not.
Feels so unfair to find something that enriches my life so much and then discover it isnt quite as straight forward as it originally appeared.