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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp still has his ex's things round the house after 3 years. Can't work out if I'm being over sensitive

30 replies

Stuckandsad · 22/01/2019 13:14

Have been with dp for 2 years now ( We don't live together), a year before he met me he lived with his ex and she left him, they were together 4 years and when she moved out she left behind a lot of smaller possessions.

Things like mugs that were obviously relationship type ones, in pairs. Small keep sakes like fridge magnets from holidays they went on together are still on the fridge, her favourite alcoholic drinks that he doesn't like, christmas gift set type things in the bathroom, even down to her birth control and razors in the ensuite.

I'm on the third row now of coming across her stuff while I'm there and I'm thinking of calling it a day. It's just a bit weird and disheartening.
He threw away the mugs when I said I didn't want him to make me tea in mugs he'd bought for her. Chucked out the benefit body lotions when I asked him to but I keep coming across her stuff. He knows it upsets me.
I opened a cupboard in his kitchen looking for cleaning wipes and was just faced with bottles and bottles of strawberry pimms and Bailey's that is definitely not his ( strictly a beer guy)

I can't work out if I'm being nuts or Not?
Fwiw he is very house proud and neat so I just can't believe that they are a bit of a hoarders oversight iyswim?

I don't care about his past but I feel like he is physically living in it

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 22/01/2019 13:28

You should have used the benefit lotion.

Can you just go around with a bin bag and chuck stuff in? Do it together.

minesthecutest · 22/01/2019 13:30

2 years is a long time. It sounds like he's not over it.

SaltedIceCream · 22/01/2019 13:42

Go through it all and bin it together.

To be honest the strawberry pims and stuff like that I would of kept in the cupboard to offer to guests.

The birth control and razors are weird though.

Mugs not a huge issue.

Musti · 22/01/2019 13:46

Other than birth control and razors,I wouldn't have a problem. Can't believe you didn't use the benefit body lotion. Has he said why he's still keeping her birth control?

ErickBroch · 22/01/2019 13:46

Sounds lazy tbh

starfishmummy · 22/01/2019 13:47

I think you are overreacting about most of it.

As I see it body lotions, mugs razors and the booze are just things that are part if his home with no significance - and they might get used/come in useful.
Holiday souvenirs- well he went on that holiday too, so again wouldn't be a big deal to me.

Her birth control is a bit weird though

Original poster
Stuckandsad · 22/01/2019 13:50

Haha I have my own body lotion. Could set up amnesty distribution of pimms though perhaps? 😊I just don't feel right Bunning it myself. It's a bit of a grey area where I feel justified wanting it gone but out of order chucking it myself Confused

OP posts:
jobbyjobson · 22/01/2019 13:50

I've been with DP 2 years and we don't live together. He has a fridge magnet from a holiday they went on and 'couple' type mugs with love hearts on them. He also has a hair brush that was hers, I used it the other day when I forgot mine. I've never really thought much of all this. I think blokes just see them as useful things with no emotional attachment to them. If he's got framed photos still up etc then I'd look more into it

Original poster
Stuckandsad · 22/01/2019 13:51

*binning it

OP posts:
RangeRider · 22/01/2019 13:52

The only odd thing is the birth control - everything else can be used by him or by visitors. And I can see someone who's not that tidy & organised thinking 'must throw those out' and never actually doing it. Why not ask if you can throw the pills out - I can't imagine him objecting. And the rest - well throwing it out would be a waste.

RangeRider · 22/01/2019 13:53

I think blokes just see them as useful things with no emotional attachment to them
Exactly this ^^

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 22/01/2019 13:57

I told my new bf it pd me off when her stuff was still there after a few weeks. He genuinely had no idea it shouldn't have been (in my eyes, and to him it was just stuff) and thoroughly binned the lot.
If you can't spell out how you feel after all this time it isn't the right relationship imo.

letsdolunch321 · 22/01/2019 13:57

I don’t think he has any emitional attachment to ex’s stuff at all as a pp said. It is one of these situations that doesn’t bother him. Ask him this weekend/whenever you see him if you can bin all of her crap.

Aussiebean · 22/01/2019 14:10

On one hand it is his house and he can have whatever he wants in it.

You don’t have to be apart of it.

When you guys move in though, then you have a say what is in your house.

RagingWhoreBag · 22/01/2019 14:14

I know how you feel, I do think a lot of it is just not ‘seeing’ that stuff. When it’s been laying around for 2 years he’s just not noticing it.

FWIW my DP had photos of him and his ex up on the sitting room walls, every drawer you opened had photos of them together (including the bedside drawers ConfusedHmm ) and it got to a point where I just didn’t want to go round there as every time I would stumble across something that annoyed me. He eventually took down the photos and moved them into the DCs rooms, but I don’t go there often as it still feel like her house tbh.

Don’t know what the answer is, I know in my case it isn’t that he still loves her, just that he doesn’t see it as important to erase all trace of her, especially as they have kids together.

He was most put out when he realised the Superman mug he’s been using at my house used to be XH’s Grin.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2019 14:15

mugs = no problem at all
Small keep sakes = no problem at all
fridge magnets from holidays they went on together = no problem at all
her favourite alcoholic drinks = no problem at all - very handy when guests appear
christmas gift set type things in the bathroom = again - no problem, good for guests
birth control = very friggin' weird
razors in the ensuite = not sure on this one, but after years, won't be any good now anyway so should be got rid of!

He was with her for 4 years. That won't go away and just writing her out of his life won't work.
I still have loads of stuff that my ExH and my ExP bought me or we got together.
I wouldn't get rid of them for another bloke.
They are mine and I like them.
Seems a bit over jealous to be erasing her from his history entirely!

Mrsmummy90 · 22/01/2019 14:16

If you're on your 3rd row about it, I'd say something's not right.
He obviously knows that it bothers you so if he had no emotional attachment to it, surely he'd want to get rid of it so as not to upset you.

When I realised my husband still had some of his ex's stuff when we first got together (it was in the garage) I asked him to get rid so he took it all to her house and left it there. (He would've binned it but there was some stuff that belonged to her late mum)

NameChangeNugget · 22/01/2019 14:16

You’re overthinking this OP.

He’s with you now

LordPickle · 22/01/2019 14:22

When I was younger, one of my exes had some of his exes stuff that he was going to bin and I went through it and took some of the clothes for myself. Blush

Just throw it all away and stop waiting for him to do it.

Haffdonga · 22/01/2019 17:39

Have you asked him why he keeps them?

loveyoutothemoon · 22/01/2019 17:42

That wouldn't bother me.

I think he's just being lazy. Just carry on asking to chuck stuff. Not worth rowing over.

Adora10 · 22/01/2019 18:01

Nah sorry I think that is extremely rude towards you, all he has to do is sweep it all in a box and get rid, whatever way he chooses.

It's weird and it is disrespectful, would he like it if there was a man's stuff all over your place, doubt it.

Palaver1 · 22/01/2019 18:08

His a bit lazy thats all get a bag and bin the lot end off

Ladylouanne · 22/01/2019 19:01

I had a bit of a meltdown over exactly this issue a few months back. The difference in my case is that DP is a widower, however it's been 6 years since his wife died.

It was obvious that some of this was down to a combination of 'just not seeing things' and sheer inertia about clearing stuff out. It wound me up though as he clearly hadn't thought for a minute about how I'd feel being around his house with his late wife's things still in the bathroom (not birth control though), and other bits and pieces such as coats still hanging in the hall cupboard. I had to explain that whilst I wasn't trying to wipe out her momeory, and fully expected some things to remain, i didn't like feeling like the other woman, who was coming into the house they shared while she was out.

I think you can be a bit harder given this an ex though!

Dunin · 22/01/2019 19:11

You chucked benefit body lotion! Why!! At least sell it on eBay and make a few quid!! Personally I’d have used the lotion, drank all the pimms and chucked the other stuff. For God’s sakes don’t chuck the pimms and baileys. That stuff costs a fortune!