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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal that my partner smashes stuff in anger?

51 replies

Mamaclare · 22/01/2019 11:45

Hi,
This is my first time posting on mumsnet...

We have 2 young children (1&3) and from time to time, if my partner and I row, he gets really angry, to the point he screams and breaks/ smashes something.

He’s a lovely man, but he’s really stressed out with not earning enough money, and the stresses of having 2 young kids, and is drinking quite a lot everyday.

Today he came right up to my face, and whilst I don’t think he’ll hit me, he got right in my personal space. Before that he had smashed a plate in the kitchen. My little boy hugged his sister and shut the sitting room door, so ‘daddy couldn’t come in’...

He never throws anything at us, but he calls me horrible names, and the banging and crashing in another room has all of us on edge. He’s broken several kitchen items, punched holes in two doors...

I’m so worried it’s going to affect the children, but don’t quite know what to do about it. I’ve asked him to leave, even for a short time but he won’t, says he’s got nowhere to go... he’s a very caring man, but he’s so moody in the mornings...

OP posts:
glamorousgrandmother · 22/01/2019 11:48

No its not normal and you should get yourself and your children away from him.

glamorousgrandmother · 22/01/2019 11:48

Call the police if necessary.

waterandlemonjuice · 22/01/2019 11:49

It’s completely abnormal and abusive and wrong

HollowTalk · 22/01/2019 11:49

So he's skint but he's drinking a lot? Can't he see the connection there?

You need to get away from him. Do you have family you can go to?

milienhaus · 22/01/2019 11:49

I don’t think it’s normal I’m afraid - you and your kids shouldn’t be scared in your own home

Aventurine · 22/01/2019 11:50

No it's not normal at all.

babysharkah · 22/01/2019 11:50

He is nit a very caring man. Your children are already being affected. He needs to go or you and the children do.

Magissa · 22/01/2019 11:51

He is not a lovely man if your children are frightened of him.

Omgineedanamechange · 22/01/2019 11:52

My little boy hugged his sister and shut the sitting room door, so ‘daddy couldn’t come in’

I’m so worried it’s going to affect the children

Yeah, I think that ship has sailed.

PurpleWithRed · 22/01/2019 11:52

Caring men do not get right in your face, smash plates, make his kids run and hide, call his partner horrible names, punch holes in doors, drink excessively, or waste family money when things are tight.

You need to split from this man. Are you married? who owns your home? if it's rented who owns the tenancy?

SoupOnMyTableNowSir · 22/01/2019 11:52

Does he do this at work? I bet he doesn't. Or other people's houses?

It is not normal, nor is the name calling.

An argument or disagreement should be about whatever the issue is, it should never result in name calling.

It needs to stop, if that means he leaves, he leaves. Him having nowhere to go is not your problem.

Do you rent or own? Whose name is the mortgage/tenancy in?

You deserve better.

magoria · 22/01/2019 11:53

What do you mean going to affect the children? It is already affecting them.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 22/01/2019 11:53

It doesn't sound great. I think you need to encourage him to speak to his GP about anger management if possible - does he have calmer moments when you can talk to him? He also needs to try to cut back on the drinking as that won't be helping any of this. in the meantime would you be able to get him a punchbag so that when it all gets overwhelming he has somewhere to take his frustrations out?

It sounds like a horrible situation.

Aventurine · 22/01/2019 11:55

My mum would break things as well as hit me and say nasty things. She'd like to be close now we are adults but i just feel contempt for her. My dad did none of the above but i have a fairly low opinion of him for failing to protect me from her. Your kids might feel the same one day

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 22/01/2019 11:55

Please try to get through and talk to somebody from your local women's aid.

They can help.

It isn't an anger management issue. I am fairly sure he controls his anger at work.

Rosiepicnic · 22/01/2019 11:55

No it's not normal, been there & done that. It won't get better & your children shouldn't have to be seeing it. Best thing I ever did was kicking him out, me & my baby now live in a lovely calm home, no walking on eggshells or feeling scared

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2019 11:56

I’m so worried it’s going to affect the children
It's already affecting them.
You know this from what you said in your opening post.
This is abuse.
Full on, nasty, verbal abuse.
You need to get out.
What is the house situation?
Is it rented? In who's name?
Do you have family you could go to?
This is an awful environment for your DC to grow up in and you need to take proper action to remove them from this dreadful situation.
If you don't have family or friends who can help you then please do contact Womens Aid. 0808 2000 247.
Do it today.

MoreCheeseDear · 22/01/2019 11:56

You need to leave to protect your children.

gamerchick · 22/01/2019 11:57

He is frightening your children OP. Wake up and get them out of that

Stuckforthefourthtime · 22/01/2019 11:58

Not normal at all.
My DH has a fierce temper but he is aware of this and especially since having DCs he has worked hard on it and has strategies to deal with it - he does mindfulness which helps, and if he is getting angry he walks away and will discuss later. He also rarely drinks. The worst he's ever done with the DCs around is to raise his voice.
Once in 15 years together he has broken anything (and once I broke a plate, though am usually calm, so don't see this as bad going). He used to sometimes call names but never does now.
His drinking and refusal to leave are really bad signs too. In your place I'd be saying anger management counselling or out. Do you have family on either of your sides who could help? My DHs mum was actually helpful for us, she said he'd had a temper since childhood and told him that before our first baby came he had to sort himself out.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 22/01/2019 11:58

Also second others about women's aid

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 22/01/2019 12:00

At 26 my ds still has anger issues and has therapy from seeing his df behave exactly like this..he was 3 when I left.
End it now..
It's your responsibility op.

ciderhouserules · 22/01/2019 12:07

Get away now.

Get your kids away now.

Report him TO THE POLICE when he breaks things, or punches things. It's intimidation and violence and it is ABUSE of children to allow them to witness violence.

Get police protection; get it on file. When you split up (not if!) he will have a much harder job getting contact with your kids if he has a DV on file. He will have to go for supervised (contact centre) with the kids - and believe me, you want this. If he has unsupervised access, he could harm them (to get at you) or damage them mentally.

Tell the police. Tell WA. Tell ALL your friends, and family what he is like behind no closed doors.

NO, IT IS NOT NORMAL.

Fairenuff · 22/01/2019 12:14

No it's not normal.

Even your little boy knows it's not normal.

He can't do anything about it - you can.

RivanQueen · 22/01/2019 12:50

He's a lovely man - no he's not. Lovely people don't get in your personal space, scream at you, break things, call you names and scare children.
He's a very caring man but he drinks a lot every day - no he's not a caring man. A caring man would realise that when money is tight you don't spend it on selfish things like booze that are a luxury.
My little boy hugged his sister and shut the sitting room door, so ‘daddy couldn’t come in’... - OP your 3 YEAR OLD SON is doing more to protect himself and his little sister than you currently are.
You need to wake up. Your partner is abusive, the children are already being affected by his behaviour. Your P's excuse that he can't leave because he has nowhere to go is not your problem, it's his problem and he's an adult he can figure it out.
You have to get him out, this isn't going to get better but it can get far far worse. Call Women's Aid. Don't wait till he starts smashing you instead of things in the house.