Is it normal that my partner smashes stuff in anger?

[Mamaclare]

Hi,
This is my first time posting on mumsnet...

We have 2 young children (1&3) and from time to time, if my partner and I row, he gets really angry, to the point he screams and breaks/ smashes something.

He’s a lovely man, but he’s really stressed out with not earning enough money, and the stresses of having 2 young kids, and is drinking quite a lot everyday.

Today he came right up to my face, and whilst I don’t think he’ll hit me, he got right in my personal space. Before that he had smashed a plate in the kitchen. My little boy hugged his sister and shut the sitting room door, so ‘daddy couldn’t come in’...

He never throws anything at us, but he calls me horrible names, and the banging and crashing in another room has all of us on edge. He’s broken several kitchen items, punched holes in two doors...

I’m so worried it’s going to affect the children, but don’t quite know what to do about it. I’ve asked him to leave, even for a short time but he won’t, says he’s got nowhere to go... he’s a very caring man, but he’s so moody in the mornings...

If this is something that has started happening recently and would be out of character - could it be that he is suffering from stress? Maybe he needs a visit to the doctor?

A three year old should never have to protect his baby sister from danger. Your poor, poor children. I know leaving an abusive relationship is far easier said than done but you and your children are in danger, physically and mentally. Please call Women's Aid, get that horrible thug of a 'man' out of your lives xx

Smashing things is a precursor to attacking you. Getting in your space is a precursor to attacking you. The boundaries are being broken down.

It is not normal to frighten your partner. It is not normal to frighten your children. It's not normal for your dc to have to hide from their father's anger.

You need to get out. He could try therapy, but he needs not to be with you in the meantime.

Being stressed is no reason to act like this towards these other people Dimael. There is no justification or excuse for verbal or physical violence in the home or against inanimate objects.

You need to leave with your children OP if you are still reading this thread. Your so called partner needs to be dealt with by the authorities and you need the help of Womens Aid.

I would think that he is smashing your things rather than his. This is another weapon in his arsenal of abuse against you. Your children are being profoundly affected by seeing this happen around them.

I hope you listen to these responses

My ex husband (ex for that very reason!) used to do this. He was adamant that it wasn't abuse "because he didn't hit me."
He'd stand virtually nose to nose with me, shouting "HAVE I EVER HIT YOU? HAVE I? HAVE I!?" getting louder and louder. l'm 5'2". He was 5'10" and twice the size of me. He used to punch doors, smash things and once threw a stool when l was on crutches. lt smashed making a dent in the floor, and showered me with bits of wood.
Sweetheart, this is NOT normal behaviour. lt's ABUSE. Thank god l didn't have children to witness it, but you absolutely do need to report it. He's endangering you and your little ones.
l never did, because l worked for the police, and l was too embarrassed. When it all came out, everyone said "What? XXXXX? But he's so quiet!" Only one friend (who was particularly close to him) said he'd seen a 'flash' in his eyes a couple of times.
PLEASE do this for your babies. Apparently my ex husband's father was abusive, and he told me one of his earliest memories was of his mum backed into a corner with his dad punching and kicking her, and him, a four year old, trying to pull his dad away.
lt doesn't matter 'whose house' it is. You must get your children away from this, either by going to a refuge, or having him removed from the house. Be brave. x

Thanks for all your replies. I have read carefully everything you all have said. It is a more recent thing, and quite out of character. Without going into too much detail on a public forum, we both had fathers who had similar ‘anger’ problems.

We are drowning in high rents/ living costs, low wages and are only just financially keeping our heads above water which is suffocating us both and putting huge stress on our relationship. I believe he is suffering from anxiety and depression, possibly arising from the things he suffered as a child, with stress on top.

One thing I do know now though (thanks to the more than one blunt response to this post), is that the shouting and smashing stuff up stops today. Fact.

Doctors, anger management, mindfulness, whatever it takes... or I will ring the police/ make him leave/ do whatever I have to, to protect my children

And when it doesn’t stop what will you do then? You need to have that very clear in your mind and from when this starts.

How is he funding the drinking? Is the anger related to it? Could he /you earn more? Is there a debt or other underlying issue? You need to protect your dc from his behaviour, not normal , not healthy.

Suggest he seeks help or your relationship is over. Suggest he stays elsewhere during this time. Only you can decide if treatment helps enough you should take him back.
Personally I wouldn't, your dc have already been through enough. And you too op.

It's abuse and you need to have a zero tolerance policy. Good to hear that you intend to take action and are prepared to leave him. I think you might need to.

Where’s the caring man when you are being called an awful name or your children are cowering in fear? I would leave. Being stressed is no excuse and drinking always gets worse.

This sounds awful! Does he tell you it’s your fault for winding him up too? I understand where you’re coming from though, my EXH was like this but for years I convinced myself that he wasn’t abusive because he didn’t actually hit me. The realisation that he was came when I saw him corner my 15 year old DD and spit in her face just because she hadn’t tidied her bedroom. That was the final straw for me! You need to get out now, you owe it to yourself and your kids. He won’t change, I’ve heard that my ex is acting in the same way with his new wife.

Suffering from anxiety and depression? Alcohol is a depressant.
Depression doesn’t make you smash stuff and scare your kids witless. I have depression. I have never shouted in my DH’s face.
Don’t make excuses for him.

Mamaclare

Your partner here in all likelihood does not have an anger management problem. He has a problem with anger, your anger when you call him out on his behaviour. He does not behave like this to those in the outside world does he so has some self control. It is to you people that he is violent towards.

You both grew up seeing angry fathers and you learnt some damaging lessons on relationships, lesson that you continue to impart now to your children to this day.

You can only protect your children by removing yourselves completely from him. He neither wants your help or support here.

So he had a parent who had anger issues, now he’s got anger issues.. what do you think will happen with your own children then.

My husband’s dad was like this. He never hit him but he used to bully him and scream in his face and throw things around him. I can’t begin to tell you the terrible effect it’s had on my husband’s life. Things could have been very different for him had his dad not been abusive.

How much of his behaviour is due to depression and how much of this is really due to him being an abusive arse?. I doubt very much he is at all depressed in the usual sense of the word and he is very much a product of his own upbringing.

Alcohol is a depressant.

You are making excuses for him and your children will absorb the same damaging lessons on relationships as you did.

No and anyone who does that is not a lovely man. He needs to get a grip before he lashes out at you or the DCs.

Let me guess, he's "a great Dad"......

I’ve asked him to leave, even for a short time but he won’t

make him leave/ do whatever I have to

Thought you'd tried to get him to leave already?

No its not normal. And yes you need to get out. Immediately.

Get your kids; go to a safe place. Leave with the clothes on your backs if you have to. If you percieve you have time then gather the important stuff then leave. But only if you have time.

You can't make him change, it's only if he wanted to seek out help for himself not just to appease you , abusers rarely change.
Womens aid offer a online course called "freedom programme " please look it up, please don't let your children grow up in this situation.

It doesn't matter (to you and the children) what causes this. Understanding why he does this doesn't change the behaviour. The behaviour IS the problem. Do not make excuses for him.

The 'why' might matter to him, when he works on himself, by himself.

The challenge to him is to sort himself out thoroughly, then demonstrate this to you, if he wants to win your trust and perhaps his good standing in the family.

I'd call the police, report the violence and get him out that way.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=YiMjTzCnbNQ

Wow sounds like my Ex. I finally left (with a 2.5 yr old and a baby) when my toddler started crying “no hurt mummy” whilst his daddy was in a drunken threatening smashing rampage. fuck that shit!! I phoned the police. He wouldn’t leave so me and the kids did and life is so much better 8months on.