Coping with dwindling sex life

[Deprivedandsad]

Been together 30+ years, neither of us had ever had relationships with anyone else...we learned the ropes together! Over the years we have had a sex life that has been up and down, mainly due to outside stresses such as long working hours, contraception issues, small children waking in the night, older children being in the bedroom next door, etc etc. When we have been at it regularly, it's been very satisfying, but to be honest I looked forward to the days when we wouldn't need contraception and didn't have the threat of DC walking in. That time is now here. We have an empty nest, no contraception worries, we both work from home, so the world is our oyster. Only DH is gradually losing his libido. We are now making love twice a month on average. He has had ED problems on and off since turning 40 (49 now) and when this first started I followed all the advice about not putting any pressure on him, not making a big deal out of it etc, to the point where I actually pretended not to be interested at all, and only responded when he made the first move. This has been the case now for the last 8-9 years, me never mentioning it, getting into bed and not showing.any affection in case he feels under pressure to perform, and just being pathetically grateful when we have successful sex. It's like the elephant in the room, I feel like I can't discuss it with him because it will make things worse. When we have talked about it before, he has basically said that it's perfectly normal to be winding down "at our age" (I'm not bloody 70) and he seems happy enough to let it dwindle away. This makes me so sad. We get on well otherwise, so I wouldn't want to split over it, but the thought that my sex life is in its twilight years already is just depressing. Also, the only time we are affectionate is during sex, he just isn't the naturally affectionate type and I'm scared to show any in case he thinks I'm coming on to him. Any thoughts?

Aw bless you. Do you ever have a date night in which you totally relax, candles, music and spend ages just kissing and caressing with no specific end in sight so no pressure? That can be absolutely delightful, also if you go away somewhere for a short break and totally unwind.

What you are experiencing is not at all unusual but there are many ways of enjoying each other. Do show affection, it doesn't have to lead to penetrative sex, it's just nice.

What fo you think are the reasons for his loss of erection/libido?

letsdolunch321 I have no idea, he seems to think it's just feeling under pressure. He knows I have a higher sex drive than him and I guess he feels obligated. I assume he's bored of sleeping with the same person all his life/no longer finds me attractive or whatever. I do my best to keep in shape (I'm in better shape than I have been for years). To be quite honest I would love to be more experimental but again, that seems to add to the pressure. He used to love lingerie but the last time I wore some it clearly gave him the signals that I was up for it and he couldn't get an erection, so I've not bothered since.

jessstan2 we don't really do the date night thing no. We do go away at weekends quite often, but they tend to revolve around going out drinking in the evening (he's more interested in drinking than me) which isn't really conducive to successful sex...I have wondered if his drinking is part of the problem, he drinks probably 3 nights a week. He won't give that up though (not even for me)

Deprived Maybe as another poster suggested try being a tad more affectionate, a kiss on the cheek hello when he comes in from work. If he finds that acceptable build on it over time

Do you feel loved in your marriage?

You’ve pretended to not be interested in sex for 8-9 years. So that you don’t make him feel bad. Holy shit. Where are you in all that??

Madness. There are so many things he can do to sort himself out.

Or not. If he decides he doesnt want to then at least you know clearly what is and isn’t on offer. Then you can make a decision. But you do have to have an honest discussion with him. He sounds desperately selfish. Good luck.

If he’s drinking three nights a week he’s likely to be pretty overweight? That would definitely have an impact.

Having said that, I am not overweight and have definitely noticed a dropping off of libido since I hit my 40s. Nothing mechanically wrong; I just don’t fancy it as much - with anyone. I think Charlize Theron could give me the come-on and I’d probably weigh up the offer against how much I wanted to finish my cuppa :-)

I do not think a drop off in libido at 40 is normal at all!

Biggest thing that strikes me from your post OP is that you don't talk to each other. You seem to have taken the 'don't put pressure on' thing to mean it can't be spoken about at all but that means neither of you has any idea what's going on in each other's heads.

Feels like a cliche to advise couples counselling but I think that's where I'd start. You need to find some way of communicating and it's hard to do that without outside help when you've been together a long time and behaviours are ingrained. I also think you need a voice in this marriage, you seem to have put your own needs and feelings so far in the background that both you and DH have become accustomed to ignoring them.

changedname3456 he is overweight by a couple of stone but he does exercise so I wouldn't say he's desperately unhealthy. I guess it's time for a full and frank discussion. I suppose I've been avoiding that for fear of making him feel more pressured and therefore less likely to make progress.

Hidingtonothing you're absolutely right. We get along fine day to day, have lots in common, have a laugh, but the one thing we don't do well is talk about the deep and important stuff. I have a tendency to get very emotional and end up in floods of tears so tend to sweep things under the carpet rather than face them head on. For that reason I don't think I would do couples counselling either, I'd be a blubbering wreck and nothing would get done.

Your husband might need hormone therapy. His testosterone levels are dropping and that majorly affects a man's sex drive. Get him to the gp and/or investigate supplements.

Would that have to be via the doctor? Or are there supplements that you can buy over the counter?

Fair enough, I would never have got my DH to counselling so we had to do it the hard way, thought counselling might be quicker! We had different problems but I really do think communication is the key, it's taken a long time for us to find a way of discussing sensitive stuff but I doubt we'd still be together if we hadn't.

Usually these kind of posts are the other way round, the husband wanting sex and the woman not being bothered.
Advice is usually you don't have to have sex if you don;t want to.
You can't force him.
From reading similar threads, it's very difficult to get people back who've lost their sex drive, as any kind of discussion seems like pressure.
But, you're still relatively young, hope is not lost.

If he’s drinking three nights a week he’s likely to be pretty overweight?
Heck, DH and I drink much more than that and we are both on the low end of our recommended weight.

You will have to talk to him. If there's been no discussion at all and you have been backing off in order not to frighten him, then he may not be aware how much it's bothering you.
It's true that pressuring a partner to have more sex than they want is unethical and unreasonable, and that people do have different libidos, but for a couple to stay happy together, they need to communicate and find a compromise that makes both partners feel that the other person cares about them and is willing to compromise to at least some extent.

And if you do reach the point where he says that he simply doesn't want to engage in sexual activity any more, then you can consider what you want to do: agree that you can get your sexual needs satisfied elsewhere, accept celibacy, or end the marriage. (Do not listen to anyone who tells you to put up and shut up because sex 'doesn't matter'. It matters a great deal to some people and those people are not disgusting or devoid of self-control; there is nothing unreasonable in wanting to have a sex life.)

I know I can't force him and I wouldn't want to, which is why I haven't been pressuring him at all. I don't know if he's lost his libido altogether and is doing the deed occasionally in the hope of keeping me happy (out of obligation) or if he just gets the urge but only occasionally. What I'd like to do is try and tempt him but as I've said this approach has been counter productive in the past and left me feeling very rejected.

It may not be libido so much as a fear of not being able to perform.

I think you do need to have a frank discussion and maybe consider a visit to the doctor to make sure he is OK to take drugs for ED. That will likely tell you what you need to know, because the drugs simply maintain the erection, which won't appear if the desire isn't there. At least that's how it was sold to my other half.

There's also the fact that there is more to sex than a stiff dick. The two of you could have enjoyable times together even if he has the occasional bout of willy wilt.

Yes chocorcheese I definitely think performance anxiety plays a big part. I believe you can buy viagra now so that may be worth suggesting.
ReanimatedSGB we often have, it's just that the lack of stiff dick tends to make me assume he's not interested which is kind of offputting for me. He's not selfish in the bedroom and would happily satisfy me in other ways, I just feel better if it's more of a two way street really.

He's a textbook case of low testosterone. It's incredibly common, affecting about a third of men by their mid 40's. I went through this with my DH when he was 46. A bit depressed, loss of libido, weight gain despite being physically active, etc. I'm an RN, so suggested this as a cause. He looked into it, agreed with me and went to his doctor. It's a simple blood test to dx it, and that's what it was.

The only treatment is testosterone replacement therapy. There are no supplements that can treat this effectively. The good news is that the therapy is very easy. He rubs about a tablespoon of a testosterone gel into his skin on his upper arms once a day. He's fine now, and his libido came roaring back within days. Now he can be a bit of a pest about it at times.

Testosterone Therapy

Hypogonadism is also a serious threat to his long term health. Men with low testosterone are substantially more at risk from cardiovascular disease than men with normal levels.

Androgens and cardiovascular disease

He really needs to get this checked.

MissConduct that's reassuring coming from a nurse...I'll ask him to get it checked. I'm hoping he will be willing to see the doctor and not be embarrassed about it. Thanks

I really wanted to comment here, because I have had a very similar issue with DH.

Background is different. We met when he was 35, and I was 38. Both had quite a few sexual partners before (and me a long term marriage).

Sex was good at first, but not as frequent as I would have liked. Anyway, long story short, a few years ago the frequency because intolerable for me (once every 3 weeks, always at my instigation).

Unlike you, I couldn't keep quiet, and if I'm honest I was a bit of a nag. When he did perform it was amazing, but there were far too many time when he lost his erection (and this is why he would avoid sex : the pressure to perform).

It all came to a head (ahem) about 6 months ago, when I told him that if he didn't see a doctor, our marriage would likely be over. At this point, I was 48, and he was 45.

So, that's what he did. He had testosterone tests done, and all results were normal. This frustrated me, as I had hoped that he would get testosterone injections, and our problems would be solved. I think though, that a GP telling him that his testosterone levels were fine, actually gave him confidence. He bought viagra on-line. I co-incidentally had bought a rabbit, out of frustration.

Anyway, suddenly, we are have fantastic and very regular sex, 99% of which is instigated by him. He's only used the viagra once, and I've only used my rabbit once : for him, just knowing these back up plans are there if he loses an erection, has magically meant that he actually hasn't lost an erection since. This, in turn, has boosted his confidence, and he now wants sex alot.

Worth a try?

Yes try and go down the general health route as that can often be more of a spur than no longer being up for it ..if he's not that bothered about sex don't push that side of it . Find out what if anything motivates or interests him and try and show that a health check will help that ..even the drinking ! If he drinks a lot of beer and has a carb heavy diet he could be losing testosterone very quickly .

Well I disagree I think both women and men's libido lessens as we grow older and no he can't make himself feel horny when he doesn't but honestly OP I wouldn't have stopped showing affection, love is not just about having sex, you should always show love in other ways, a peck, a kiss, a squeeze, cuddle, all lovely and help bond us, it's not just about being serviced in bed!

I'd try and resume at least that so you both have that intimacy without any pressure.

I also think drinking 3 nights a week will not be helping his libido, it's not just the evenings he is drinking, it's the days after also that can affect you both mentally and physically.