Ex sticking to contact arrangement!

[KTMP16]

How can i get my ex to stick to contact arrangements with our son and what should i do about this current situation....?

Current arrangement is Fri pick up then drop off Sat tea time 4-5pm
(he refuses to stick to an exact time)

He text me last week to tell me he wud be picking LO up after school on Thurs and dropping him Friday morning, hope thats ok
So i said no sorry i cant change days got plans
and he said so have i my works xmas do bought tickets already

I didnt want to get into an arguement about it so nothing more has been said. So now im worried about what is going to happen - i think he may turn up at the school on Thursday if nothing more is said... thinking he can go ahead and do as he likes. Not to mention on the Friday im not sure if he will be there to pickLO up or not :-/

Im so fed up of him thinking he can do as he likes. The contact agreement is very vague - for example for ages he just told me tea time drop off....one week this was 3pm following week 8pm. I spoke to him before Christmas saying our LO really needs consistency and for him jsut to stick to the days/times agreed but he doesnt seem to understand. He said between 4-5pm and the past three weeks hes text me at 5:30pm and its been after 6pm hes been dropped off. Id be fine with it being 6pm if thats what he wants. Just so i know!! Its a daft time anyway cos sometimes hes had tea n sometimes not..

Formalise such arrangements through the court system.

Do you have a relationship with your ex where you can talk rationally to each other or does any communication end in an argument ?

Just be aware if you go through court they'll only formalise what days you have to make your DS available for contact but they can't and won't force your ex to turn up on those days. It'll help you say no when he asks to change arrangements but you could do that anyway without a court order.

Two things spring to mind...

1. It’s not a lot of contact time - has he never asked for more time with your DC?
2. If your DC is school age does it really cause problems to allow at least a bit of flexibility? Fair enough if your ex has taken the piss to date, but we all have events crop up that need to be worked around.

pumpkinpie01 no we really dont communicate well at all. I like to have everything in writing otherwise he just makes it up that iv agreed to things etc.

I know about being flexible - He use to do shiftwork & tell me each month what days he wanted LO for the following month. In Sept i was thrilled he got a job with regular hours as all iv ever wanted in routine & consistency for LO. This is the amount of time he has asked for and im fine with it. Id be fine with whatever times & days he wants as long as he sticks to them! I understand things crop up...i understand occasionally being a little late - thats life. But seriously one week 3pm next week 8pm? He has given himself an hours window and cant even stick to that!

If he wants to change arrangements he needs to ask me first....like i said - he TOLD me what he was gonna do! I also have plans. He seems to expect me to change my plans/cancel them to suit him. Why should I?

Is it worth going to court over? It does annoy me alot but feels like it wuld be alot of effort (and cost?) over only a minor issue iyswim?

oopsnamechangedagain how do i do it without court?
I think i need lessons in being assertive. I try and tell him straight but he just ignores it. I cant get much clearer than "No sorry, i cant change days, I have plans" can i??

If you have a court order then school will only let him take the child on the day agreed in the court order unless you’ve agreed another day (and confirmed it with the school, so he can’t just claim you’ve agreed) so for that it’s worthwhile.

A court order won't make him turn up on time. It'll just say when your DC has to be available - he may or may not turn up. I don't think this is what you're after.

I think you need boundaries around what is and isn't acceptable.

So if he says he'll pick up between 5 and 6, then be available between 5 and 6, but after that, you're free to go out, do something else.

You can't "get him" to do anything. You can only control your own actions, not his. So you need to think outside the box. What are your options?

• put up with it like this
• tell him that 5-6 means 5-6 and DC won't be there outside of those times
• don't cancel any plans you had that he messes with by not being where he is meant to be.
• go and pick up DC as normal on Thursday and do whatever you were going to do.

At the moment, he is ignoring your attempts at being assertive because, in his experience, you don't usually carry through with what you say you will do. Is that right? If you start to say what you mean, and mean what you say, he will have to take notice.

Well its pick ups from school so the timing there is ok
Once hes got DC theres really nothing i can do about dropping him back home again.... thats my problem! Its jsut whenever he likes.

Im gonna be picking up on Thurs - but im anxious incase he shows up ... iv been thinking what i would do in that situation
Friday is the problem really.... cos iv made plans thinking i am childfree ! But his dads made plans even tho its his contact day ..he says "hope thats ok" at the end of his message to seem like hes actually asking me and being reasonable but then tells me hes already got his ticket!!

" don't cancel any plans you had that he messes with by not being where he is meant to be."

This bit!!! This is what im worried about.... if i go do what iv got planned there is a very real risk i could have my 5yr old DC not picked up from school

KTMP16 what I mean is that going to court will not benefit you much more than if you simply told your ex he can't swap days. Unfortunately when it comes to turning up or not your ex has the upper hand - if he subsequently misses contact on the Friday then unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. All court will achieve is to stop your ex from being able to claim you're blocking contact if he wants to swap days and you don't agree but your plans would still be messed up regardless because he can simply choose not pick DS up. I know it effing sucks but no court is going to force a child to spend time with a parent who doesn't want to be with them.

If you both have PR then even with a court order he can collect from school on your day! School would of course try and stall him and call you but they would allow the child to go with him.

I have a court order and even though its made life easier and more predictable to an extent, he still plays games, and of course can just decide not to turn up even when its their day.
YOu could go to mediation and thrash it out there? you would need to do that anyway as you can not just go strait to court.

Can you text him & ask who will be picking DC up from school on Friday as he is not available?

allalittlebit I had no end of issues with ex recently and the school told me that because he had PR then WITHOUT a court order they could only stall him but WITH a court order they could refuse to let DS go with him unless they had my agreement

Mmmmm
I'm not sure that's legal!. Iv also had no end of issues with my ex and my school told me differently (Also implemented it).
I would seek legal advice as that's 100% not what iv been told.
Also the police won't return the child to you if there is a court order in place but he refused to return the child.
I think a good start is to try and figure out why he's not keeping to arrangements. If it's control, well even with a court order he's going to be difficult but at least it ring fences what he can be difficult about (If that makes sence)

I agrer that a court order may not be helpful as have can still do exactly the same thing. Try to be as firm as you can but I understand your frustration about having to cancel plans. Yes you can just tell him it is 'his' day and he has to sort it out but for me I would rather the dc have the stability of being with me if ex bails on them

You need to message him again but make your first message firm something like

Just to confirm you will still be collecting lo on Friday as normal and on your allocated time as we were not able to change the day on this occasion due to me already having plans and it being your contact time so collect LO as normal and not on Thursday. Just making sure this is clear for you.

As others have said, stop making yourself so available

Tell school who is collecting dc and when. They will have had to deal with these types of situations all the time

Thursday you pick up dc

Friday don’t collect, tell school that ex is collecting Friday, so they can then phone him if he doesn’t turn up. Put yourself down as second contact on those days

Tell (not ask), that dc to be dropped off between 5&6. Be out of the house until 5, after 6 go out. He’ll have to ring you if you’re not there and you can then tell him again the timings and you’ll be back in a bit / make him wait.

It’ll be painful for a bit but once he realises you won’t be a walk over then things should improve

Otherwise go via the courts

I have one of these wankbadgers too...Ohhhhh the agony.

Same kind of scenarios, he does it to try and maintain the last shreds of control on my life....Best thing you can do if you've made plans is have a babysitter on standby.

You might want to make a record of his absences though....Part of CMS calculations is number of overnight stays with non resident parent... just an idea

You won't get anywhere with him not turning up for contact in court.

Seems like most agree with what iv always thought... that a court order wouldnt make much difference! sigh

I guess we have got into the pattern of him telling me when hes free/when he wants to see him. I felt like i had to agree when DC was younger & he was doing shiftwork - cos if he cancelled on me and said he wanted him a different day id be in a situation where i either had to agree or LO wouldnt see his dad for maybe like 10/11 days (cos of the days off changing each week!) so iv always wanted him to see his Dad as much as poss so iv always agreed!!
Its proving a hard habit to break. Hes clearly just used to doing whatever suits him and expecting me to agree.

ponyprincess of course i want stability for DS. I hardly ever make plans because he has been unreliable in the past. Its the nerve of him... assuming he can do as he likes. Clearly feels its my job to sort this out somehow or cancel my own plans! Am i literally suppose to never even go out? There was a situation back in Nov where he phoned me at 2:30pm and said "youl have to do the pick up cos i cant" so i said yeh of course il nip up! But then i was like no hang on a sec..what would u do if i was out?! His reason was that he had to go pick up his girlfriends kid instead.

Im honestly happy to be flexible if needs be.... for example if he text and said we are stuck in traffic and was then like 5-10 even 15min late dropping him....or there was a time when he said he was having teeth out n wud be under sedation 1 fri morning so then of course at that point i said well yes of course we can change days you might still be out of it mid afternoon lol
He usually doesnt give reasons...it will be a text like "I cant pick him up this Friday...il pick him up Sat morning instead" and then i said no you cant do that he just said well u cant have made plans cos Sat is my day anyway! or it will get to half an hr after hes due back and il get a text "Hes still eating his tea then we will set off"

All our communication is via text cos i want written proof of everything

Needs so pick up someone else's child over his own???

Just.wow.

closetbeanmuncher i started recording everything when i was trying to discuss it with his gf (its an easier life than directly to the ex lol) and she came out with "I dont see how he could be consistent tho!" so i wondered if i was exagerating things in my mind....but no, literally half the termtime fridays have been me not dad.
I dont go thru CMS! This is actually another example of him jsut doing whatever suits him.... he paid me £120 monthly on his payday (12th of the month) but he text me and told me hes decided its easier for him if he pays me weekly from now on. I mean, it makes no odds to me but the way he just TELLS me makes me mad as hell!

Sorry, that was meant to say...his gf said she didnt know how he could be any more consistent!! They make me feel like im bonkers!

Oh i know....lots of things they say make me go "wow" in the bad kind of way
Think my fave from the gf was
GF: hes got a new job now so hel be able to have him on fridays
ME: oh every friday? thats brilliant...drop off Sat tea time then?
GF: yeh....but not every friday cos obviously we need quality time together so like...we will just let you know"
They live together! Also, when exactly do they think myself and my DP get this "quality time" lol!

Oh yes the "i'll let you know".... like you don't have anything else to do but wait on confirmation after they've decided if they can be arsed....Oh but then they change at the last minute anyway so confirmation actually means bugger all to begin with.

It's not rocket science is it - just make a fucking decision and stick to it....That would be too easy for them though wouldn't it?

The mind boggles at some people's absolute determination to make things as difficult as possible.

closetbeanmuncher yes! thats it in a nutshell!! Just doing what he likes! I really dont think theres anything constructive i can do to improve the situation! :/ Because the thing is....i can as firm as anything with him but at the end of the day if he says he isnt gonna be at school at friday then theres no way i could just leave it and not have DC picked up!

But thanks for all the replies to my angry ranting though