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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex sticking to contact arrangement!

35 replies

KTMP16 · 21/01/2019 14:13

How can i get my ex to stick to contact arrangements with our son and what should i do about this current situation....?

Current arrangement is Fri pick up then drop off Sat tea time 4-5pm
(he refuses to stick to an exact time)

He text me last week to tell me he wud be picking LO up after school on Thurs and dropping him Friday morning, hope thats ok
So i said no sorry i cant change days got plans
and he said so have i my works xmas do bought tickets already

I didnt want to get into an arguement about it so nothing more has been said. So now im worried about what is going to happen - i think he may turn up at the school on Thursday if nothing more is said... thinking he can go ahead and do as he likes. Not to mention on the Friday im not sure if he will be there to pickLO up or not :-/

Im so fed up of him thinking he can do as he likes. The contact agreement is very vague - for example for ages he just told me tea time drop off....one week this was 3pm following week 8pm. I spoke to him before Christmas saying our LO really needs consistency and for him jsut to stick to the days/times agreed but he doesnt seem to understand. He said between 4-5pm and the past three weeks hes text me at 5:30pm and its been after 6pm hes been dropped off. Id be fine with it being 6pm if thats what he wants. Just so i know!! Its a daft time anyway cos sometimes hes had tea n sometimes not..

OP posts:
Original poster
KTMP16 · 23/01/2019 16:13

Oh my goodness someone help me out here being firm....

Literally just had a text "so am i picking up tomoro then?"
So i said "No, as i told you on the 16th im not able to change days this week as i have plans"
So he has said "well i will have pick [redacted] up next Friday"

What do i say ??

This post was edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 23/01/2019 16:16

Well you could try "Who is picking T up instead of you on friday this week then?"

But you know his answer will be "No-one, I can't have him this week"

Unfortunately you can't force him.

Romanov · 23/01/2019 16:26

you have your childs name in the post

Original poster
KTMP16 · 23/01/2019 16:33

Ahhhhh sugar! Didnt realise id done that...is there a way to delete the message?

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 23/01/2019 16:35

He must have known it's the works do, they don't just give a weeks notice. He should have arranged something earlier.
If he can't do the times you've agreed to, don't let your dc go and let him take you to court for access.
he'll only mess you about if you allow it.
if he's late, knock the time off the following week, until he gets it.

RomanyRoots · 23/01/2019 16:36

Yes, report your own post, I'll also do it OP

Original poster
KTMP16 · 23/01/2019 16:43

Romanyroutes well he messaged on the 16th...so he will say well he told me about it in dvance.....which he did....and i said no cos i have plans myself. which he seems to have just ignored.
I cant knock the time off...the pick up timed is fixed as he picks up from school.

As everybody is saying.... court cant force contact, cant force him to show up - so does that mean if he simply doesnt collect from school there would be no repurcissions to this?
As it stands at the moment...im thinking as he has pretty much made it clear he wont be pcking up then its upto me to either cancel my own plans or make alternate plans?

OP posts:
OopsInamechangedagain · 23/01/2019 17:22

I'm afraid so. As resident parent there are pros and cons - pros are that you get to spend more time with your DC, you receive maintenance (yeah I know, I know!!), you can claim child benefit, tax credits etc and overall you tend to have more control/input into your DC's lives. Cons are that you are in effect responsible for the DCs 24/7 and any contact with the non resident parent is sort of a bonus for want of a better expression - if the dad is reasonable then of course you can agree set times and dates but if not, you can't force a parent to want to see their child.

LannieDuck · 23/01/2019 17:49

"Unfortunately I can't change our contact arrangements this week, so you'll need to arrange childcare for X on Friday".

I'm afraid you've allowed this to happen. You may end up having to give in on this occasion, but you do need to stop running around after him. And I agree with giving the school his contact number for Fridays.

Original poster
KTMP16 · 23/01/2019 22:17

Believe me im happy for all the moments i have with my child - when he cancels his day i dont see it as a burden to me, i view it as extra time :-)

If he tells me he will not be doing a pick up - i have no other choice but to drop whatever im doing and make sure DC is picked up! I've no other choice...im mum! He absolutely knows this and absolutely is trying to keep some control. I dont see a way for things to change :/ Its shit, i feel like i cant do anything for myself because there are times he phones me last minute and cancels

OP posts:
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