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Original poster

What's the rush these days?

45 replies

coplings · 21/01/2019 12:51

Dh has an ex and has a son with her who is 6.

She has had a fair few relationships in the last couple of years. Last one ended in September (he was in dss life). Newest relationship started in October and he moved in a week ago.

Dh actually works with one of her close family members who has told him even her family have told her she's rushing into things she she should be putting dss first but she seems to think it's fine. He also has dcs.

One of my close friends has also just moved into her bfs flat after 2 months of dating him. Again she just cannot seem to be single. I don't know much about the man she's moved in with as haven't met him yet so can't comment.

Both are in mid 30's. I really hope they both last but just can't help feeling if they didn't rush things so much then there's more of a chance it might work out. Could eat my words though I suppose

OP posts:
Seniorschoolmum · 21/01/2019 12:53

Cost of renting? All the hype about fertility dropping off a cliff at 35?

Or maybe she just doesn’t like living by herself with children

DollyWilde · 21/01/2019 12:57

It's an age thing. I've noticed a huge difference in the speed relationships move at since friends have hit their mid 30s.

MiraculousMarinette · 21/01/2019 12:59

Neediness and desperation if you ask me. Inability to be self-sufficient too.

Original poster
coplings · 21/01/2019 13:00

@Seniorschoolmum it's definitely nothing to do with wanting more children for either of them.

Not sure if my friends newest partner is a home owner. She has a child and is moving her in though.

Just seems rushed and can't help but feel for the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
coplings · 21/01/2019 13:02

@DollyWilde yes may well be.

OP posts:
Original poster
coplings · 21/01/2019 13:03

Dh is just concerned as this isn't the first man that's been in dss life but it is the first one that's moved in. They were kind enough to wait a couple of weeks before introducing each other to their own dcs Hmm so dss has only really known this man since the start of December

OP posts:
LettuceP · 21/01/2019 13:07

Newest relationship started in October and he moved in a week ago poor kids Sad

It's really common, I know of quite a few people like this. They are putting their own wants before their children. Incredibly selfish.

Original poster
coplings · 21/01/2019 13:12

@LettuceP Incredibly selfish isn't it? All her family have tried to tell her but she hasn't listened. Family member has also told dh that they really don't like him either. So dh is pretty worried about it but nothing he can do.

OP posts:
DIYDoldrums · 21/01/2019 13:17

I can not wrap my head round this at all. I was with ex dp for 3 years and didn't live with him (apart from an 11 week stint due to a housing delay). Mainly due to my dcs. And I didn't find out lots of serious stuff about him until nearly 2 years into the relationship. You just do not get to know people well for ages. Involving children too is crazy. No wonder your partner is worried OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2019 13:23

Dh ex met her last bf on Plenty of Fish, had a date, he met the DC at school pick up two days later, he and his dog moved in 2 days after that.

It lasted about a year and then one day he was gone. He was like a giant child and no sort of parental figure at all, they barely noticed he'd gone, but they did miss the dog. Couldn't get my head around it at all and DH was just grateful he was nice to them while he was around.

ImNotKitten · 21/01/2019 13:25

I don’t understand it either. Insecurity and inability to be alone?

One of my neighbours has had four partners in two years. Each one living there full time after a couple of weeks. She has a little boy who lives with her full time.

DIYDoldrums · 21/01/2019 13:37

It must be so confusing for the DC? As an adult you can choose who to live with but they have no choice.

Original poster
coplings · 21/01/2019 13:45

I always thought as you get older you get wiser etc with relationships. Especially when you have had failed ones in the past AND have dc.

Yeah it's been hard for dh. He also went to school with an ex of the new bf who actually contacted him to warn dh he's not the greatest of guys.

We did a bit of digging ourselves (amazing what social media let's you find out about people) and have come to the conclusion that he might be a bit of a twat but all we can do is keep a close eye on dss. At the moment he seems ok

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 21/01/2019 15:13

It's an age thing. I've noticed a huge difference in the speed relationships move at since friends have hit their mid 30s.

Really? I'd say I've noticed the opposite!
Definitely rushed things more when I was younger, taking things much slower with my new partner.
Literally everyone I know around my age (36) who has come out of a marriage/ LTR seems to value their independence more than rushing back into anything

letsdolunch321 · 21/01/2019 16:10

Another woman who can’t be on her own from what I am reading.

When will these women wise up! Be happy within yourself and your surroundings before moving more baggage in ..... ABSOLUTE MADNESS

user1479305498 · 21/01/2019 16:27

I honestly think a lot of it is to do with money , if there was more sensibly priced good quality social housing I think there would be less of this madness

Original poster
coplings · 21/01/2019 16:38

@wishywashy6 I know if I ever end up being single again I would most definitely be wanting time on my own and some independence too! I couldn't think of anything worse than going from one relationship to the next. Surely it's mentally draining.

And I'd never do it to my dcs.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 21/01/2019 17:44

I think it has to be insecurity.

I’d also be suspicious that someone didn’t have an enriched life & hobbies of their own, if they can do that so quickly.

Utterly batshit

Racecardriver · 21/01/2019 17:47

But if you meet someone who you find adequate what is the point in waiting? Either you want a serious relationship in which case why wait? Or you don’t in which case it’s unkind to string people along on the off chance you decide it will work out after all. Clearly these are just women who know what they want.

whiskeysourpuss · 21/01/2019 18:06

I honestly think a lot of it is to do with money , if there was more sensibly priced good quality social housing I think there would be less of this madness

I agree that this can be a contributing factor if the woman is in full time work in a low paid job - with a partner contributing to the household bills I'd suddenly have an extra £400 each month as disposable income.

That along with an inability to be alone, feeling that being in a relationship gives you some sort of validation (I know as the only single one of my friends I feel awkward at times) will push some women into moving quickly.

whiskeysourpuss · 21/01/2019 18:11

Either you want a serious relationship in which case why wait?

Because whilst I may want a serious relationship with someone my 17yo DD does not & any decision I make regarding my relationship affects her life so I need to be mindful of that & as such I wouldn't invite someone I'd only known a few months to move into her home & make it their own.

Original poster
coplings · 21/01/2019 18:13

@Racecardriver I agree with what you are saying....if you have no children.

If you have no kids then fair play. Do what ever you think will make you happy.

If you have had multiple failed relationships and each time your child/ren has got to know this person and become close to them....there surely has to be a point where as a mother you stop and think enough is enough?

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 21/01/2019 18:33

@coplings well I must admit that I don’t actually understand why people who already have kids actually want serious relationships. I mean why? You already have children so why would you want a proper relationship? But that’s just me. You are essentially asking what right fonmothers have to pursue relationships or prioritise their personal lives over their children. I don’t think it’s necessarily harmful provided that a clear boundary is maintained between the family and the relationship. I definitely think that it’s not good for children when their parents completely dedicate themselves to their children. It leaves children with a lot of guilt (I speak from experience). I think it really depends on whether these women are simply wanting relationships or trying to replace the father iyswim? The first is merely a woman getting on with her life the latter is a bit weird and irresponsible.

Racecardriver · 21/01/2019 18:37

@whiskeysourpus but in that scenario you would actually want to keep your dd happy more than you would want a serious relationship. The women the OP is discussing clearlyvwant relationships as a priority.

whiskeysourpuss · 21/01/2019 19:10

@Racecardriver to be fair it's completely hypothetical for me as I couldn't be arsed with a man under my feet anyway Grin

I just don't agree with women that have a revolving door policy when it comes to relationships without a single thought to how it affects their children. I also find women that do are the sort that are getting the kids to call the guy Dad & completely integrating him into family life... then poof he's gone & another takes his place.

I also don't agree with women who give up any life if their own to facilitate their kids lives... however there is a middle ground.

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