What's the rush these days?

[coplings]

Dh has an ex and has a son with her who is 6.

She has had a fair few relationships in the last couple of years. Last one ended in September (he was in dss life). Newest relationship started in October and he moved in a week ago.

Dh actually works with one of her close family members who has told him even her family have told her she's rushing into things she she should be putting dss first but she seems to think it's fine. He also has dcs.

One of my close friends has also just moved into her bfs flat after 2 months of dating him. Again she just cannot seem to be single. I don't know much about the man she's moved in with as haven't met him yet so can't comment.

Both are in mid 30's. I really hope they both last but just can't help feeling if they didn't rush things so much then there's more of a chance it might work out. Could eat my words though I suppose

It's an age thing. I've noticed a huge difference in the speed relationships move at since friends have hit their mid 30s.

^This. I know many people who left it too late to have kids

wishywashy actually I take it back because the experience I referenced are all my friends who haven’t been married before. Many of them don’t want kids ever, so it’s not the bio clock thing, but they want to lock in their relationship before hitting 35ish, so they move in after 10 months as opposed to the 3/4 years that it took for those of us who met 5-10 years before.

I don’t know about people who had their kids younger in LTRs that didn’t work out so it’s probably comparing apples with oranges and not relevant to the OP’s experience.

@ehiskysourpus definitely agree on middle ground. It’s one thing to prioritise a relationship but it’s sonething entirely different to force ones children into relationships with a new ‘father’ every year or so.

@Racecardriver why wouldn't anyone want a serious relationship even though they have kids?? Being a single parent with kids doesn't mean you have to stay single forever.

But it does mean you have to do things differently and make sure your children are still your top priority. This is what dhs ex is NOT doing.

In September the old bf was dropping dss off at our house and collecting him from time to time. End of October the new bloke is doing it.

If the relationship is right then time doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it takes years to move in together. It will still work and it will still last.

They haven't given it anytime so they have no idea. It's just one massive gamble.

Moving a man in her child hardly knows and whom she has only known for 13 weeks....well jts got disaster written all over it.

@coplings I just don’t really get it. Relationships, serious ones rather, are a bit of pain. Surely most people only do it so that they can have children/someone to help them raise their children? If you already have children do you really need one? I don’t get it. I couldn’t ever imagine moving in with another person if my marriage were to end. But obviously a lot of people get something else out of it, enough to force these relationships on their children apparently.

Would also disagree with you on the relationship is right notion. Peoples needs change over time so whethera relationship is right for a person or not will change over time.

I agree that a good parent wouldn’t act in this way but it’s not a matter of rushing tjibgs it’s a question of degree (moving in with a man is different from making him play daddy to your children). As for rushing, it’s not rushing but rather how one goes about having a serious relationship which seems to be what these women want (as hard as I find it to understand but clearly they get something out of having a man living with them).

Would also like to point out that more casual long term relationships are great. All the convenience of having companionship and sex on hand with having to share your living space with someone. There are alternatives to having serious relationships or being single.

@Racecardriver I agree with you wholeheartedly. I don't see why so many people are so desperate to be in a relationship jusy for the sake of it. I don't understand the need. As you say, there is no point in being coupled up when you already have children.

I have recently come out of 12 year relationship, married for 8. I would rather poke my eyes out than give up the peace and independence that being a single parent brings.

@MiraculousMarinette @Racecardriver i guess you just need to appreciate that everyone is different 🤷🏼‍♀️
I came out of a 14 year relationship (my decision to split) with 2 young children
I'm independent, run my own business and own my own home. I don't need a man at all but I am with someone else now and while I'm in no hurry to move him in, I could see us living together in the future. Don't need him to play daddy, they have a wonderful father already, but IMO there's more to a partner than someone who's just helping to rear your young 🤷🏼‍♀️

DP (soon to be DH) and I moved in together after 6 months but were engaged within 12 and are now about to get married.

The difference is we have no kids involved and no ‘history’ of failed relationships! So rather than saying ‘omg that’s so soon’ people get all wide eyed and say ‘well, when you know you know!’

Granted I wouldn’t behave this way if I did have kids but then again it’s ok saying ‘why does everyone move so quickly now a days’ but you might as well as ‘why does everyone split up now a days’

You may think your DH’s ex shouldn’t be dating loads of guys and that it’s an issue with ‘modern society’ but ‘non modern society’ would suggest your DH should have married his ex and brought up his DS in a family environment. I mean- then his ex wouldn’t need to date- surely?

@wishywashy but that’s different isn’t it? We’re talking about serious relationships

I'm failing to understand your definition of a serious relationship @Racecardriver

@wishywashy domestic partnership. Living together, combined finances etc.

I think the pony is being missed here now and being taken out of context completely - yet again.

The only concern here is for the children. It's not about actual relationships and how serious they are. Once a child is introduced to a new partner and a bond is made....that's where it can lead to problems if it doesn't work out.

As far as dh's ex goes.....if this were her first relationship since leaving dh then fair play (though it is still too soon to move anyone else into a home so quickly....she's known him 13 weeks).

But it's not. It's not even the second relationship or the third. And everytime dh's little boy is introduced to these men. These men then start playing roles in his life. They pick him up from us or drop him off depending on who's turn it is. They take them places. They go on holidays.....then all of a sudden they are gone.

It's not healthy for the child. As far as the ex goes, she's not our problem. Dh isn't bothered about her relationship or how serious it is. All he's bothered about is that yet another man has been introduced and this one has moved in after 13 weeks.

He has every right to feel worried about it.

The post isn't about wether you should have a relationship after having dc's. (Though I have 2 dcs with my ex. After 3 years of being single I met dh and have never been happier. So I totally disagree with the 'why would you want a relationship after kids' comments.) No one will ever agree on it so it's a pointless argument

The post was about why rush it when you have children. It affects them MASSIVELY and can play a serious part in messing with their heads.

I’m in a serious, committed relationship of three years. I don’t live with DP.

Because: I have had a failed marriage and have learned from this that love is in fact not enough on its own. I am looking for love + compatibility + maturity + responsibility + friendship and ability to resolve conflict and am still assessing all that!

Because: We both have teenage dc who are at school in different areas and need time and stability and a more natural, organic relationship to build between everyone. Plus at times my eldest over the last 2 years was rebelling and pushing me away, so it was wrong to be pushing her towards DP and his dc.

Because: my independence and autonomy (financial and housing and parenting and how I combine work, hobbies, friends) is hard-won and precious! I want to remain focussed on being a role model my dc. I was a shit role model to them in my marriage because I ‘did everything’ but now I have a fuller, richer, life. I do lots of stuff I enjoy. It’s easier retaining that when living apart, I want that to be their example.

Because: after the upset and upheaval of divorce I am very, VERY cautious!

However, me and DP are partners in life and committed and serious. Our relationship has the best of all worlds right now. At some point (we will know when the time comes), we’ll move in. Not yet.

@LatentPhase that's such a refreshing post. Wish you both all the best x

Ah thanks @coplings !

@Racecardriver well yes that's exactly what I'm saying. I would have that again with the right man

@wishywashy I see. I read that as you are keep it fairly casual for the time being. Didn’t read carefully enough.

I guess people are indiduals so could be for sex/intimacy/love/fear of loneliness. More a female thing I think whereas the man mainly sees it as a regular shag.

@Ringdonna I also enjoy a regular shag 😉