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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused again

27 replies

BayTiger · 20/01/2019 22:26

Hi, I’ve written here before about some problems with the way my husband speaks to me. I wasn’t going to post anymore as I’ve received support and advice but another incident has left me feeling confused.

I thought we had had quite a nice weekend, I did huff and puff a bit this afternoon as my husband is prone to giving me direction sometimes when it comes to looking after our daughter and he speaks in a way that makes me feel like I work for him. I’ve told him lots of times that I don’t like it, but he usually says I’m being defensive.Tonight he made a comment about being tired, he is always tired and has lots of naps at the weekend and won’t really come out and about with me and our daughter. I said jokingly ‘you’re always tired’ and he’s got so mad he’s threatened to leave and it’s escalated to a terrible issue. He said it was a vindictive thing to say and has brought up all sorts of serious things, almost like he was trying to spoil the weekend.

I feel like I have to be so careful about what I say, but anything I say is shut down by saying I’m defensive. I started crying and he essentially said I am a bit crazy and unable to communicate like an adult and he can’t deal with me. He has told me a list of issues I need to address and brought up things that happened with our wedding years ago. Unfortunately we had just lost a baby at the time and his family were very insensitive and demanding to the point of unkindness. I was very hurt at the time as was he but he’s now made it seem that it was just me and that I have made him choose between us and affected his relationship with them all. I feel so confused as this has all stemmed from me joking about him always being tired. He has threatened to leave me and basically questioned whether he is even attracted to me. I just feel like weeping. My mum is also fed up with me at the moment and all my emotions feel so numb and I can’t speak to anyone in reality. Is this just normal life and I’m too sensitive to communicate properly or am I completely awful?

OP posts:

pog100 · 20/01/2019 23:07

No it's not normal life. It's not normal because you are married to a bullying, abusive prick. You are not too sensitive and you are not awful.
I can't see anything changing this other than you ditching the horrible bastard. Don't be confused, be clear that you won't put up with it.
Good luck.

Original poster

BayTiger · 20/01/2019 23:37

Thank you pog, I feel very mixed up, what a horrible business. I keep thinking maybe I am actually losing my mind and being unreasonable. He has told me a number of times that I need therapy and I get confused thinking maybe I am really defensive and difficult. I know that if I’d said I was tired and he’d said well you always are and I’d got mad, he would have said that was being defensive. But I feel petrified when he threatens to leave me.

OP posts:

pog100 · 21/01/2019 00:09

Take it from me, with the short glimpse you've given, it's not you. If you spend much time on this forum you will see that his manner and his way of talking to you is classic abuse.
Are you financially dependent on him? He sounds like the type to have eroded your self esteem and friendship group? Whatever your situation is, you are going to feel a whole lot better without him around.

Singlenotsingle · 21/01/2019 00:12

LTB. That's all really.

Original poster

BayTiger · 21/01/2019 09:22

Well he’s said this morning that he’s felt I’ve been making snide comments for a long time and that I have a negative energy. I think this is true as he has been talking to me in a way I don’t like, like an employee for a long time and he shuts me up when I complain. So I suppose my anger is coming out in snide comments. I feel nervous to say much back when he is mad so it must be coming out when he isn’t.

He has said he will work on how he talks to me and is going to make a list later of anything else bothering him. I’ve told him the things that were bothering me, mainly the way he speaks to me. He does feel I make him sound controlling when he isn’t and that this is due to me feeling inferior and thinks I misrepresent him. It does make me feel really muddled up and guilty and sad. But I have to accept the things that are upsetting him I suppose.

I have been holding a grudge about a few things, mainly a comment he made about having a child with a surrogate mother, and some messages a colleague was sending him that I thought were inappropriate that he wouldn’t nip in the bud. Now I’ve been able to tell him perhaps I will be able to communicate better.

OP posts:

deepwatersolo · 21/01/2019 09:36

Something that I will do, when I don't like the way I am talked to is, I will try the same line with the same tone against the respective person, when the situation arises and see how they react. They ususally don't like it (surprise!), at which point I ask, why they would be offended by a tone they use towards me all the time. Hasn't always helped, but in many cases.

Also: if you say 'you are always tired' and he starts to go on about ancient history and whatever else, you need to stick to: 'it is very unreasonable of you to get so worked up over my astute observation that you are always tired on weekends. And yes, I am not happy about that because it infringes on family time. Fact is, you are always (or 90% of the time, whatever it is) tired on weekends. Fact.' Ignore all else he says, stick to your observation, repeat it and point out that it is unreasonable/lunatic to act out like that over this simple observation. (You can ask him if his defensiveness over this simple observation has anything to do with him feeling inferior.) Don't get dragged into old stories. Stick to the one issue you raised - his being tired so often.

Original poster

BayTiger · 21/01/2019 09:38

What is funny though is that I was thinking we had had a really nice weekend, we had had visitors from my family and I was a bit flustered getting lunch ready and then I made the jokey comment about him always being tired but I was shocked that he got so upset to the point he said he wanted to leave me. I can’t speak to anyone and it becomes so confusing in my head.

OP posts:

Original poster

BayTiger · 21/01/2019 09:39

Thank you deepwater for that good advice.

OP posts:

crystalize · 21/01/2019 13:27

Why do you feel frightened when he threatens to leave? A part of him knows this so he can just carry on regardless as he knows you won't do anything.
Time to stand up for yourself. If he threatens to leave tell him to go. Its rare bullying abusive men like him leave. Hes got you where he wants.
You shouldn't have to be careful what you say. Whats the worse that will happen? He'll threaten to leave? Ok you say bye bye. Seriously agree with Pog, classic abuse, gaslighting, making you feel yr going mad. Time to say Fuck him and put your needs first. Watch the worm turn when you start to not care.

Original poster

BayTiger · 21/01/2019 13:47

I think it’s the way he turns things round on me and my head feels completely confused and I actually can’t remember what has been said. He’s just told me that I’ve been creating negativity for months and he’s been feeling really unhappy. Whereas for me it’s that he’s become more and more verbally harsh and as I’ve been too scared to say anything back it must seep out of me in negativity.

He says I lack the emotional intelligence to understand that his harsh tone is a result of his own anxieties so I shouldn’t take it personally. He’s said I’m being manipulative and vindictive but really to me I just made a flippant comment about him complaining of tiredness all the time.

I feel like he has made things come to a head for no reason in order to cause something as to me we had had a nice day.

I do feel petrified of him leaving me, I think it is pathetic of me though.

OP posts:

deepwatersolo · 21/01/2019 14:16

He says I lack the emotional intelligence to understand that his harsh tone is a result of his own anxieties so I shouldn’t take it personally.

But he should have taken your comment about him being tired personally? What a clown. You can tell him it is not your job to manage his emotions, that is his job and he needs to keep his harsh tone in check, as he is not 5 years old any more. Twat.

You need to let go of your fear of him leaving you. Really. How can you efficiently stand up to him with this fear in your mind?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 21/01/2019 14:48

So I'm assuming as it's your issue/your fault you have this problem with everyone.
In all of your previous relationships yes, and with your parents, siblings, children, friends?
And obviously because it's your fault and you're just too defensive/sensitive he has never offended anyone else with his attitude/commmunivation style. Obviously not, because he doesn't have the problem. You do, that's right isn't it?

Original poster

BayTiger · 21/01/2019 18:39

Funnily enough he would never talk to anyone else like this and is a very friendly and charming person, so people would never believe it possible. I have a bit of a tense relationship with my mum now and then which he says shows that the problem lies with me. He has been in touch though to say he will work on his tone and that we should try and improve our communication, he seems to have listened to my points thank goodness.

OP posts:

datingdisaster41 · 21/01/2019 19:09

I don't know what's happened with your mum but I'd say the vast majority of adults have a tense relationship with a parent at times! It's normal and I doubt that means you have a difficult personality - more that he's using that to make you feel that you're the problem. That's very unfair and divisive.

Original poster

BayTiger · 21/01/2019 19:28

Nothing has happened with my mum, we have a close relationship but sometimes we rub each other up the wrong way, usually when we stay at each other’s homes. But on the whole we’re very close and I wouldn’t say either of us are difficult by nature, just different to one another which can result in tension.

OP posts:

deepwatersolo · 21/01/2019 19:35

Good that he understands he has to work on tone and communication improvement, too - that‘s a start.

Original poster

BayTiger · 21/01/2019 19:38

Yes I was pleased about that too, he said he hadn’t really understood that his harsh tone was making me anxious.

OP posts:

Original poster

BayTiger · 21/01/2019 23:31

Well he’s gone for an ad hoc night out so am now thinking from past experience that the weird argument may have been engineered a bit to justify staying out really late. I thought it seemed a bit weird at the time. Not that I mind him going out of course but it follows a pattern. I’ll still take the opportunity to try and improve on communication though.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/01/2019 23:36

Dead horse

Flogging

HollowTalk · 21/01/2019 23:38

What I would do is record him when he talks like that so that later you can replay it and know that he's a complete knob.

It sounds as though it would be better for your mental health if you lived apart from him.

HollowTalk · 21/01/2019 23:38

Record him without telling him, I mean.

Original poster

BayTiger · 22/01/2019 17:30

Well I’m pretty sure that the ‘argument’ was caused on purpose to justify a late night out drinking as he is all back to normal now. I thought it was a bit odd at the time. Thank you for all the advice, I think this has opened my eyes a bit further.

OP posts:

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/01/2019 18:40

Right so you only have this problem with him. The mum thing doesn't count that can be difficult at the best of times even if you're close.
Honestly op I think you'll see a vast improvement for a few weeks then once he thinks he has done enough to keep you quiet for a bit it will all go back to normal. I'm happy to be proved wrong but IME adults rarely change without some kind of specialised help.
If he didn't know before it was wring to talk to and treat someone else like he does you why is he so careful not to do it to anyone other than you. Because he knows he would only get away with it with you that's why.
I commend your positive out look I really Do, but why is this time you've told him any different from all the other times you've told him?

Original poster

BayTiger · 22/01/2019 19:42

I know it’s a circle that goes round and round and it’s only in the past few months it’s dawned on me it’s sometimes bordering on mildly abusive.

It’s been very gradual and really stepped up when we bought a house together.

It’s funny you always wonder why people stay in these circumstances but it really is different when you’re in the middle of it. I’ve always been told I’m too sensitive so I just assumed this was another case of over sensitivity. And he is so engaging and charismatic I think people would think it was down to me, not that I’m blameless. I can be bad tempered and irritable at times.

OP posts:

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/01/2019 22:00

It's not mildly abusive it's just abusive. I don't wonder why people stay I wonder when they will leave.
I wondered why I stayed, each time he ramped up the abuse I wondered, then I realised it was because I thought I loved him more than I knew I loved myself.
I stopped believing this when he ramped it up so much he locked me in the house, proceeded to beat the shit out of me and then told me the police would find my dead body in the morning. Thankfully I escaped and that's when I realised that actually he didn't love me at all. That he wasn't going to change. That the only one who was going to stop me being abused was me, so no judgement here op.
I escaped that night and I went to the police. He was charged with all manner of things and that's when I accepted that all those times I'd let him make me believe it was my fault were bullshit.
I truly hope for you and your dc sake you realise that too. I also hope you realise it before he turns you into the broken mess I was left in. It's not easy to put your million piecess back together again.

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