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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

LTB?

26 replies

peggysuesays · 20/01/2019 18:14

I'm completely baffled by last nights events with my partner. I feel like he was possessed. We were at an event that I'd organised with around 200 people, all my family friends, girlfriends, work colleagues etc
It was an all day/night event and he arrived around 9 o'clock after he had been to football and meet his friends. We chatted normally I knew he was drunk, I was busy organising/over seeing things so I left him to it. I walked in the room at around 12 and he was dancing with my friend, I saw him very clearly lean in to kiss her and her pull away. This was in the centre of the event, steps away from my mother, my sister and my closest friends sitting at a table.I walked over calmly and asked him to come outside. When he came outside he was completely gone, he couldn't see me, did not know who I was and couldn't make sense of what I was saying. I told him he was drunk and needed to go home, I told him he had tried to kiss my friend, he said a few nonsense words and walked straight back in over to her gropped her and tried again. This was in plain view of me and everyone else. It was horrifying. The rest of the night was spent trying to get him home. He made no sense at all at any point. He woke up this morning with no recollection and vomited when I told him what happened. We have been together 6 years, he has always been adoring and focussed only on me (sometimes too much!) and has no idea what or why this happened.

I feel betrayed, humiliated and completely baffled. My friends and family are all aware of it and no one can make sense of it. It feels like he was possessed. I absolutely do not want to split up with him but feel like I have absolutely no choice. LTB?

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 20/01/2019 18:19

Blimey! That's horrific. What does he say about it?

KlutzyDraconequus · 20/01/2019 18:22

Imagine what he gets up to when you and everyone you know aren't there.

Original poster

peggysuesays · 20/01/2019 18:24

He feels like he's been in a car crash, he's utterly shocked and devastated. He is not attracted to my friend at all. He's ashamed, sorry, disgusted. Can't believe he humiliated me like that on a very special day for me. Understands its unforgivable...I just don't get it.

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 20/01/2019 18:24

I didn’t want to read and run, but not sure if I can be if any help. Is there any chance he was spiked? If not, was purely alcohol and It’s its really a one off and he’s truly sorry, then I think I’d wait and see how I feel when the dust settles. You don’t need to jump into any decisions right now. Let’s see how his behaviour is , whether he off his own back apologises to your friends and family etc. I’ve done stupid things drunk...I know this is bloody extreme. I feel for you but only you know what he’s really like

Confused1681 · 20/01/2019 18:24

I would find this hard to get past. Drunk or not I don’t think it makes you do that.

What’s he said?

Original poster

peggysuesays · 20/01/2019 18:26

KlutzyDraconequus I understand what you are saying but every time he goes out with out it's with mutual friends, he actually hates it when I don't come. Everyone we know is shocked it's completely out of character.

OP posts:

bigchris · 20/01/2019 18:28

He was clearly inebriated

I'd tell him go stop drinking to that extent

I'd forgive him though but make him apologise to your friend

cavycavy · 20/01/2019 18:35

Spiking happens. When it happened to my friend she (after 1 glass of wine) was like a completely different person, did things that were very odd and out of character - I’ve known her for 20 years and have seen her very drunk, this was different. She had no memory after and was very ill for a few days after.

We now know that several people were spiked that night and from time to time I hear of it happening still.

Original poster

peggysuesays · 20/01/2019 18:46

There's a possibility he may have taken drugs, he has in his younger years (we are 40 now) and his friends he met before he came still take them occasionally. He has no recollection at all, but I've never seen him like this. My friend met him on the road and he didn't recognise her. She tried to talk to him and said it was like talking to a zombie.

OP posts:

carrotflinger · 20/01/2019 18:57

Sounds like drugs. His drink may have been spiked.
This happened to my ex - he was on a trip away with a group he is part of and he was drinking with his friends but ended up completely wrecked - had no idea where he was. His parents were on the trip with him (but they weren't there when he was drinking) and they were able to look after him on the bus coming back the next day because he still had no idea where he was and he had a thumping headache and was vomiting.
It turned out later that one of his so called mates in cahoots with the barman thought it would be a laugh to spike his drink to make trouble between me and him.

OP - definitely drugs - he may have taken them voluntarily or his drink may have been spiked.

Don't LTB for this - unless there is a backstory to this that you haven't told us. If it happens again then is the time to consider this might be a problem. Does he get drunk a lot when he goes out with his mates or is he normally able to have a good time without it going too far?

Original poster

peggysuesays · 20/01/2019 19:03

There's no backstory. He does drink to excess on occasion but he would completely give up drinking if I asked him to, he'll do anything to get me back but I just feel so humiliated. It was so public and I know I shouldn't care what people think but I'm devastated.

OP posts:

carrotflinger · 20/01/2019 19:36

I can see that. It must have been excruciatingly embarrassing for you. Really awful. Sorry.

I think you need to talk to him some more and maybe to some of the people he was with - try to find out what was drunk/taken and whether it was voluntary or not.

I've just re-read your OP - a couple of things stand out. Why did he turn up so late to an event that was obviously really important to you? He should have come straight away after the football "just this once" as he knew the event was important.

And secondly, he arrived at 9 pm drunk and the incident with your friend occurred at 12 - so what happened in the 3 hours? Was it during these 3 hours that he maybe took something or was he already completely away with it at 9pm?

I've just come out of a relationship with the ex mentioned above who had his drink spiked - but the whole 5 years were marred by drunkenness, turning up late to important events (drunk or not drunk - still unacceptable) and similar things.
Only you can know if this is a one off or a pattern of behaviour.

If it is a one off just tell a few people that he had his drink spiked after the football and that's why he behaved out of character.

SuperSuperSuper · 20/01/2019 19:48

It sounds different to drunkenness. I think that he was spiked or unwell OP. I reckon that he should text an explanation to your mate, and then forget it. He's not a cheat. She'll be fine I'm sure.

LikeARedBalloon · 20/01/2019 19:52

Gosh, he owes your friend a massive apology. Walked back in and groped her?! Urgh. Poor woman.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 20/01/2019 19:59

My theory is that his drink was spiked, especially, since this is so out of character. However, if this happens again, without drinking, I would take him to his GP to get tested, as it could be something more serious.

CoastalLife · 20/01/2019 20:11

This is a weird one. Usually when people come on here with these kind of tales, you can just tell from little background details that these guys are players and enjoy drinking, flirting etc. But this sounds extremely out of character and his reaction is consistent with that. He's not pleading for forgiveness and telling you it meant nothing or the things that men usually do when they've been caught cheating (or attempting it). He sounds genuinely bewildered and horrified, which is exactly how I would feel if I learned I had betrayed my husband so publicly without any prior intention or desire to do so and with no memory of the event. The suggestion from a few PPs that his drink was spiked sounds like a possibility.

I will counter this by saying that I would not be so quick to forgive my husband if it transpired that he had willingly taken drugs. That's no excuse. We all know that drugs affect your judgement, your behaviour and your memory. That's part of the reason they are illegal. He sexually assaulted your friend (you say he groped her, after she had already backed away from his attempt at a kiss). If she were to report him to the police, he would not be "let off" if he said "sorry, officer, I was off my face on X,Y,Z". If it was his choice to consume drugs, he needs to accept full responsibility for the resultant behaviour.

SparklyMagpie · 20/01/2019 20:16

I'd possibly think spiked, but hmmm I don't know

Please tell us he's apologised to your friend OP?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/01/2019 20:16

Could he have had his drink spiked? I had my drink spiked once and it was horrendous. I did things totally out of character and I was so ill on the night and the next day. Took me a few days to get over it physically

Original poster

peggysuesays · 20/01/2019 20:52

He has sent a message apologizing profusely to my friend, I have spoken to her she is mortified to be in any way involved. She admits she was drunk and knows she is flirty and was dancing with him 'sexily' but she thought it was harmless fun, she considered it safe because of his usual character. This has also now thrown me into a spin, it's not a nice thing to hear from a friend, however I do not blame her at all for his behaviour. He should be able to fully control himself and behave appropriately no matter what.

He was given a lift prearranged by my father I knew he wouldn't be there until 9. At 9 he seemed drunk, nothing more. I'm not sure what happened in between, he can't remember and I don't feel comfortable questioning people. One of my closest friends said he was clearly out of his mind but wasn't sleazy when she spoke to him, but was acting weird. He's throughly ashamed of himself.

I find it hard to believe he was spiked. Unless someone admits this I'll never know, he genuinely can't remember I do believe that. I actually dont think I'll be able to forgive him either way. I feel like I'll lose my self respect and the respect of the people closest to me.

OP posts:

costacoffeecup · 20/01/2019 20:59

I don't think his drink was spiked. He was pissed and then kept drinking until he didn't know what he was doing. I think I would be very very cross but would probably forgive as a one off on the basis he was so out of it he had no idea what he was doing. The problem here is that the op's family all saw it and will presumably find it hard to accept him from now on. Ultimately it's down to the op though, it will blow over eventually if she stays with him. What an idiot though.

RandomMess · 20/01/2019 20:59

My DD had her drink spiked and suspects someone she knows, it was awful for her fortunately her friends looked after. No memory, so unwell etc.

It does sound like his drink was spiked - he seemed like a zombie, he didn't recognise people he knew well, zero recollection etc

costacoffeecup · 20/01/2019 21:02

All those things are things that really really drink people do too though. And if his drink was spiked at the op's event it means someone she knows did it. And what would the motivation be? Don't think it's very likely at all. I've seen people drunk like this LOADS of times on nights out!

Original poster

peggysuesays · 20/01/2019 21:03

costacoffeecup do you think you could forgive your partner this?

I keep thinking of his hands on her and seeing is face leaning into kiss her. It's making me ill.

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 20/01/2019 21:25

I would try to forgive him and get past this OP. Tell your friends and family that his drink was spiked. It sounds like your relationship is good otherwise. Read the dating thread on MN if you think you'd rather be single and look for a new partner. Better not to throw away an otherwise good relationship if this is a one-off out of character. Turn it around and imagine if your drink had been spiked and you humiliated him without knowing it. How would you feel?

Original poster

peggysuesays · 20/01/2019 21:36

Thank you DianaT1969 that is good advice. I hadn't thought of it the other way round and I'd be heartbroken if I'd done this to him. Maybe I just need to give it a few days.

I was single for many years before I met him and enjoyed being single. I would not be looking for another partner if we spilt.

OP posts:

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