Intimate photos

[Whoneedsaman]

Hi everyone. I Just need some guidance here. I've recently ended a relationship with someone I'd been dating for 5 months. I ended it because I'm recently divorced and just didn't feel ready for another relationship. The split was fairly amicable, although he didn't want it to end and has asked me to reconsider numerous times. We met for coffee yesterday, because he said it would hurt him if I just cut him out completely. We had a nice chat about all sorts of things, stayed around an hour and a half and then got up to leave. We had a friendly hug in the car park and then I asked if he'd do something for me. I asked if he'd delete the intimate picture he has of me. He said yes but not right now....... this made me suspicious and so I asked him again if he'd delete it there and then. He refused. I actually begged him
to delete it four or five more times and he still refused. Now I'm not answering his calls or replying to his texts and he's saying I've hurt him. He's saying how could I hurt him like this at such a delicate time for him. Now I'm wondering if I am out of order?? My gut says that he has behaved despicably and that anyone who claims to have loved someone would have deleted the photo for them. I'm confused and really not sure where to go from here!

You tell him that if he doesn't delete them right now you will go to the police as you think he could send them out in revenge for breaking up.

Unfortunately, even if he tells you he's deleted them or even shows you him doing it, you've no way of knowing if he's made copies. Learn a lesson and never give anyone photos you wouldn't be happy for the world to see. As for him, you don't owe him anything. Block and forget.

TooTrueToBeGood I have learnt a lesson. I didn't even take the picture. I'd had too much to drink and he took it. I've just come out of a 12 year marriage to a very manipulative and narcissistic man which has left me wondering who I am and doubting myself all of the time. I just need to know that I'm right with this one. That refusing to delete the picture for me, in front of me is out of order.

Taking the picture without your enthusiastic consent was completely out of order. That should have been your cue right there to kick him into touch. He is not a decent human being. Let me rephrase that, he's scum. Please just cut him off completely. Don't give him the chance to try and gaslight you or guilt trip you.

he said it would hurt him if I just cut him out completely

Oh waily waily. If you'd been married 20 years, sure. 5 months of dating? Fuck right off.

Google "revenge porn law" and let him know that you will use it to the fullest.

I know you're all totally right. Funny you mention gas lighting. I've been gaslighted in my previous relationship. I liked this guy because he appeared to be genuine!!! I'm happy to cut all ties and never speak to him again. Just wanted to make sure it wasn't too harsh. Thanks so much for you advice everyone.

He hurt you. You had to beg him to delete a photo you weren't comfortable with him having.

Probably depends how 'intimate' the picture is as to whether you could take it any further

The picture shows parts of my body I wouldn't want people to see. It's not tasteful, it's an awful picture. I actually can't believe he wouldn't want to delete it!!! A decent man wouldn't even want to take it never mind keep it! ........ if there are any decent men out there!

That's bad. I've had an ex do things with pictures of me in my underwear, but not actual body parts

Why are you allowing this man to control and manipulate you?

You broke up, but “he has asked me to reconsider numerous times.”

You met for coffee, “because he said it would hurt him if I just cut him out completely.”

You begged him to delete the picture, he refused, so you went NC. ”He’s saying how could I hurt him like this at such a delicate time for him.”

This is an unstable man who is determined to steamroll his agenda. He wants to force you to give him attention by being “delicate.” He is using the photo as leverage. It sounds as though he actually did not even have your full consent to take your picture.

I would remind him of the Revenge Porn Law and completely block him. If he then harasses you or stalks you, log it with the police.

Fuck. My gut says that he’s only pulling that stunt to have power over you.

So, silver lining, thank god you’re out of that relationship.

He sounds controlling and he's being emotionally abusive.

Don't try to reason with him or placate him, it will feed into it. Tell him you will go to the police if he doesn't delete the photo(s).

Yes, you won't know for sure if he has, but if he thinks you're serious enough hopefully it will deter him from any fucking funny business.

If he won't delete it and is holding it over your head because he still wants to be friends and have a form of a relationship with you- it classifies as sextortion - which is illegal, and if he threatens you in any way about using it against you, it becomes revenge porn which is also illegal. Tell him you will report him to the police. They are starting to take cyber crimes of this nature seriously - finally.

And if you must have intimate photos taken, make sure your face and other identifying marks don't show.

Be glad you've left him

Thanks everyone. You've helped me see that I don't owe him anything and that I'm right to go NC. I need to to protect myself. He's the worst sort of controlling and manipulative personality, he's very covert with it. I've learnt a huge lesson here. I'm not the sort to take intimate photos neither do I want to receive them! But very good advice to not show your face or any other distinguishing features if it is something you find yourself involved in!! Xx

Separate to the OP whose story is quite bad and he's both controlling and wrong, but..

Learn a lesson and never give anyone photos you wouldn't be happy for the world to see.

This is no way to live.

There's not a lot that you can do about this one. You can't force him to delete and have no way of making sure he hasn't made copies.
I would use the revenge porn law too if I needed to but tbh I wouldn't tell him that. Knowing these types of men as I do any type of contact is engaging with him and that's why he is doing it. Block him and chalk it up to experience. But tbh op you say you have ended a marriage with a manipulative narcisst but I'm in no doubt you've walked from that straight into a relationship with a man of the same ilk.
The point he took that photo was when you cut contact. It's a complete violation of you and your body.
I understand how these relationships can affect you so I'm in no way exaggerating when I say it's dangerous for you to be even considering dating.
Do the freedom programme, get some specialised therapy. Learn your boundaries,set them and don't consider dating until you know which way is up.

He could delete it on his phone but have it on cloud storage or uploaded to a PC. It's not guarantee of the end of the photo, so I would simply block all further contact and don't let him have any power over you.

Sounds like a well dodged bullet there, from your description.

Just ignore any future communications from him, he sounds like a right twat and a well-dodged bullet. Send one last text, citing the Revenge Porn law, and advise him that those found guilty of the
crime could face a sentence of up to two years in prison.

This is awful OP, I'm sorry you've met such a horrible man.
He sounds the sort who may not have any intention of doing anything with them, just knowing he has this hold on you and has you scared is enough for him.
I agree with other posters - google to see if there is anything law wise you can do then do it. Otherwise block him completely. It may be you have no control over what happens next so its unproductive to spend much longer worrying until it happens.

Unless your face is also in the pic I wouldn't worry op..

Oh he sounds horribly controlling. Can you be identified in the photo? In any case you can’t let him have a hold over you forevermore. I’d either just block him or send one more message asking him again to delete the photo and stating that you will go to the police r.e. revenge porn then block him after that.

Unfortunately my face is in the photo!! The fact I didn't actually consent to it might have some gravitas if it got out of hand.
I'm taking everyone's advice and blocking him completely. Feeling grateful for having dodged the bullet.
I'll research the freedom program. I think it will save me from stumbling into yet another controlling, narcissistic relationship. Thanks for all of your advice. Xx

Take care OP >offers awkward un MN hug x