Help, totally stuck. Has anyone else been here?

[Isawthesignanditopenedupmyeyes]

I’ve been with my husband for 25 years and it’s always been a bit rocky, we aren’t necessarily well matched. He’s very laid back, not ambitious at all, manual worker. I’m the opposite, stressed, professional job, successful at work.
I have a simmering resetment at being the main bread earner and his inability to manage finances. He’s had a lot of debt from his inability to run a business (repeatedly) that I pay off.
I’m so angry about it that I’m so unfair to him in the rest of our lives. I snap at the littlest thing, scream at him in front of the children. He doesn’t/can’t change over the finance issue.
Is great in every other area, fabulous parent, great around the house, funny, kind.
I know I should accept we are good at different things and play to our strengths and help him with his business/get employment instead (which is where the debt arises from) but I’m so bloody angry and resentful.
I work harder and harder to make sure we are financially secure as I never know what the next financial surprise may be and don’t want to rely on him financially at all (and I don’t).
I can’t afford to divorce him. I don’t even know if I want to.
We don’t have sex. He wants to, I have no desire to have sex with him and have had to stop myself from being attracted to other men.
I’m a horrible person with him and he doesn’t deserve this.
Feel totally and utterly stuck. Have posted quite a few times over the years and I’m still in the same position. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom to help be move forward?

I think it is okay to be stressed, angry and resentful. We are all entitled to our feelings. It is not okay to behave badly and you describe consistent abusive bullying behaviour, in front of your children. I would hope this is not the person you want to be. So you should want it to stop. It is also not an effective way to get somebody to change. Everybody must be scared of you or at least worn down.

You need to get help to change your behaviours and to manage your feelings. This may lead you to realise that your marriage and life are not working. I extend this to your career. Successful professionals are not stressed, they manage the stresses of their job.

TBH I would rather be kind and in debt than successful and angry around people I love. But there is a balance. Your partnership isn't capable of finding that balance.

See a doctor about your mental health, get help. Maybe considering counselling when the abuse stops but I think the relationship is a mistake, mostly for the children.

Thankyou Lemon, you are right. I hate the person I am at home. This is not the person I want to be or the person I am outside the home. I am so so angry at him for continually getting into debt, for not changing and relying on me to fix things.
It is me who has to change, he won’t. I’m desperate for him to fix things but shouting is not answer I know. I’m so frustrated and worn out.

You need to leave ... no other option .... he’s a financial liability ... you have enabled him ... time to stop for the sake of your own health and happiness...

i agree with Babbi, you cannot live with somebody this irresponsible. My ex was the same, thought nothing of wasting all the money on harebrained schemes and I felt as if I had no security at all.
It's much better now he's gone.

Thanks Babbi
I own the house and pay all the bills. I’d have to pay for him to live somewhere else I guess, which would cost more that paying off his debt. So then I get stuck and don’t do anything.
And he’d get custody of the kids as he does more childcare. So that also stops me. And I love him underneath it all but he won’t and can’t change his way with money.
But this can not carry on.
I really appreciate people replying to me, feeling very lost today.

So what would happen if you stopped bailing him out financially OP? Would his business fail and he'd have to get a job? Is his business a limited company so your family finances are protected or is he a sole trader? I think you need to stop saving him and let him face the consequences of being what sounds like a faurly terrible business owner. Doing this might be the only way to save your relationship long term.

Does he understand just how serious you are? That if he can't start being an adult about providing for himself financially you will be leaving? Because he isn't is he, he is being a net drain and a big worry for you both.
I know others will point to a difference in view if the genders were reversed, but as far as I understand it he isn't a SAHD, just a financially irresponsible partner.
I don't see why you would have to pay for two households. I think it's generally recognised that adults can provide for themselves, I think splitting is the only option if you can't make him see sense with a calm explanation of the seriousness of the situation

If I stopped bailing him out he would have to go bankrupt for certain. Then he would need to get a job, and I admit totally although I know this is best I don’t facilitate it as it works for me to have him able to be flexible for school pick ups and sick kids. I know that is totally selfish.
I work up to 16 hour days 7 days a week and would have to think around how child care would work if he had a job, not insurmountable I know.
I know that I carry a lot of blame here, it is not just him. I know if we split I would be alone, I’m fat and aged and not a very nice person at all right now.

W9n't he get half the assets?

Is there something you could put in place with the business? Like, if it would be viable, but the reason it's failing is because he screws up the finances - could you pay for an accountant or business adviser to step in and keep him on track? You opt out completely and put it in their hands to sort out.

If it's failing cos he's hopeless at it, then you really have to let it fail. And consider him taking part-time hours or something to facilitate the school runs etc.

OP
I can't see how your relationship works on any level. I'm reluctant to comment on the financial division or the parenting division. I will say both your attitudes are perverse, its not meant to be "my" money and "your" debt in a marriage and it's not even legally your house.

You will take a big financial hit when the relationship breaks down. I doubt you would keep the house, although he might along with a big % of your income. This might be outside your control. If he came on here, as a woman, he would be advised to leave you and to seek help in getting you out of the house.

You need to rethink a lot, if you don't want this to happen. When married assets are jointly owned and if you remain together income should be shared not bestowed.

Lemon- I know exactly all of this, which is why the split ultimately never happens. But I am equally not managing to move forward with repairing the relationship. I feel so stuck.

Although I’m fairly confident he would not take me to court or even consult a solicitor to get his rightful share as that would involve taking some action and filling in paperwork. He literally would not do that as it’s too much effort. I obviously would do the right thing and give him what he is entitled to though.

Have you done any counselling?

Category- no to counselling. I can see I/we would really benefit from that. Has anyone tried relate? I’ve heard mixed reviews

You are abusing him in front of the children. That is the top of the list of your priorities.

If you don't change something then this will continue. It seems to me your only low risk option is allow his business to fail, don't bail him out again. Let him get a job and go from there childcare wise.

If you always do what you've always done then you'll get the same... Forever.

You need to stop abusing him though, it's not good for your kids future mental health.

Gamer chick. I 100% agree. I’m so ashamed of myself. I keep telling myself this has to be the last time I get angry with him, and then it happens again when nothing changes.
How can I get help to stop?
I really messed up marrying him, I knew at 18 he was no good, he was in debt when I met him 25 years ago and I paid it off from my Saturday job. Literally nothing has ever changed other than me getting angrier.

Firstly, you have to take responsibility for your part in this toxic and dysfunctional dynamic. Your marriage and you and your H’s behaviour isn’t a healthy environment for your children.

Wringing your hands and repeating ineffective and counterproductive behaviour has brought you here. Time to pull up those big girl pants!

A lot of people find it difficult to stand up for themselves against a bully or an abuser. But many eventually do and they find the strength to do the paperwork that gets them the assets and maintenance they are entitled to. I hope he does and so do other people in his position.

You really need to stop this. It is awful to hear somebody describe a life like this and to say they will continue to carry on being angry and abusive because they can't see a reason not to or that it makes them worse off. You are not trapped, you are choosing this

Try individual counselling, or even coaching. Have you ever asked him if he would want the kids 50:50 or primary care etc? You could get a nanny instead for example. Equally, how much less would you see of the kids if you let him primary care? Realistically you might even see more. 16 hr days can't leave much time for them.
Individual counselling would give you space to consider what you get from this set up and why. Might help you decide what to do.

I used to think I was an angry shouty person but it seemed I was just with my useless parasitic ex. With my husband I'm calm and rarely shout. I'm happy and contented now.

I think once the contempt starts, the relationship is over.

I was reading this thinking he needs to just get a regular wage job, but then you said you didn't want that for him because he is essentially a SAHD and it would interfere with those responsibilities. So you want him to make money and you want him to be the go-to childcare person.

Can you compromise? Can you take on some of the parenting duties so he can get a regular job? Make everything more 50-50?

I hear everyone who is saying I need to take responsibility. I do. I am an enabler. I’ve paid off over £100k of his business debts in the last few years.
I would be much happier if he gave up work and I was the sole breadwinner and he did all the house stuff, but he doesn’t want to do this.
It’s scary to hear myself being described as an abuser. I recognise the shouting is abuse. I also recognise I am simply not like this when not with him and that perhaps I can never get past the resentment of the financial insecurity he poses and how that £100k I’d repaid debt could have gone to our children’s future.

This could be me 3 years ago. My circumstances were similar.
I took legal advice prior to leaving my husband and ensured that the best possible outcome for me and the children was secured. It was complicated due to family business and I came out with nothing and have started again. It’s doable. But requires a lot of inner strength. I’m now happier and not funding his lifestyle. Life’s too short to live like this. My biggest piece of advice is to consult a solicitor. Cost a fortune but worth it in the long run.

I’ve literally half an hour ago just found out about another debt he’s lied about all year. A totally avoidable fine that has a fried interest and now sits at over £1k as he’s ignored it.
I’m broken.
I have to go to work all night in an hour and can’t call in sick.