Help, totally stuck. Has anyone else been here?

[Isawthesignanditopenedupmyeyes]

I’ve been with my husband for 25 years and it’s always been a bit rocky, we aren’t necessarily well matched. He’s very laid back, not ambitious at all, manual worker. I’m the opposite, stressed, professional job, successful at work.
I have a simmering resetment at being the main bread earner and his inability to manage finances. He’s had a lot of debt from his inability to run a business (repeatedly) that I pay off.
I’m so angry about it that I’m so unfair to him in the rest of our lives. I snap at the littlest thing, scream at him in front of the children. He doesn’t/can’t change over the finance issue.
Is great in every other area, fabulous parent, great around the house, funny, kind.
I know I should accept we are good at different things and play to our strengths and help him with his business/get employment instead (which is where the debt arises from) but I’m so bloody angry and resentful.
I work harder and harder to make sure we are financially secure as I never know what the next financial surprise may be and don’t want to rely on him financially at all (and I don’t).
I can’t afford to divorce him. I don’t even know if I want to.
We don’t have sex. He wants to, I have no desire to have sex with him and have had to stop myself from being attracted to other men.
I’m a horrible person with him and he doesn’t deserve this.
Feel totally and utterly stuck. Have posted quite a few times over the years and I’m still in the same position. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom to help be move forward?

This is the pattern, he accrues debt, lies about it, I discover it and get angrey and resentful, work harder to pay it off. And repeat for 20 years with the resentment ever growing.

So dont pay it off. Let this relatively small debt be your starting point of making him face up to his responsibilities. He'll never own his shit while you're there to bail him out.

In the meantime you need to start making a plan to fall back on if you do decide to split up.

You're going to have to detach from this trigger emotionally for your kids sake. It's not good for them.

I’m so sad that he’s lied to me again. He won’t pay it off. It started as a £100 fine and he’s ignored it. This happened before and I when I found out it had increased from £100 to £4000. I will just ignore it.
I’m just so so sad. But no more shouting.

You don't love him. I can't see any other option than splitting up.

Much better for your children to have parents not hating each other in their home.

Work the rest out from there. But good luck.

Thank you. The problem is I do love him. Which is why I didn’t walk away years ago

And in his head he'll be relieved you now know, will fix things as usual. He'll wait out being in the dog house and your anger/frustration and then business as usual.

Yes my ex was like that and still is. He's been known to do a year on the settee before getting back in the big bed.. then joke about it. It's very frustrating. These men just don't care, it's like having another child.

Thank you Gamerchick.
I’ve just spoken to him and I think he’s relieved this means we will finally split. I’ve got to pull myself together to get through work tonight now, am so tearful.

OP, you can't go on like this.

Make some appointments:

• a solicitor. Find out exactly where you stand. I'd have thought you'd get 50/50 residency at least.
• a counsellor, just for you. Ask him to consider therapy for himself, since he cannot seem to change his behaviour.
• a relationship counsellor.
• a business adviser/accountant. Find out if the business is viable. If not, wind it up.

Throw everything at it and see where you are/what you want to do.

Sorry, x-posted.

Thank you Category, helpful advice. This latest revelation has pretty much finished me, although I realise it’s very new and raw. I’m not sure I can keep going on like this. Usually he’s remorseful when found out but I think he’s had enough now of the relationship.

You have misinformation about what will happen in the divorce. See a solicitor this week.

If you work 16hrs a day 7 days a week then surely the children would be best off living with him. You pay child maintenance of course. You would have to change working patterns if you were to have them 50% of the time or even every other weekend and one night in the week. Can you imagine changing your work?

Beware of joint liability for debts. Cab can advise on this as well as solicitor. They helped my friend who had to divorce to save the house

OP might like to take this as an opportunity to change her lifestyle. There wouldn't be the need to work crazy hours so much if she wasn't continually having to bail out her dh's business. She can consider downsizing and rethinking priorities, instead of being locked into "must earn more money".

You say it would be so much better if he was just a sahp and you earnt the money. Just make it happen. Take control of the money. Stop bailing him out. Let him go bankrupt if that's what it takes. Tell him he can take responsibility for his own fuckups from now on.

Hi OP, just wanted to say don't let the abuser comments get to you too much, it's good that you are recognising your behaviour in shouting at him is wrong and it obviously can't go on but if he's been expecting you to pay his debts since you met 25 years ago then he's been financially abusing you, so I certainly don't think you are the bad guy here. This is obviously a toxic situation and one I hope you work out, but I think the posts painting you as the abuser are a bit off.

Thank you Leonasa, that helps a lot, I’m feeling pretty low tonight. I’m realising as well that if we do split (now likely) I will have to pay for him to live and will likely lose custody of the kids. I only work so hard to pay his debts, not through choice and that would all work against me and I’d have to carry on working like this to pay for him forever. I will have achieved nothing and lost even more. What a mess

You are working extra through choice. You can stop.

Reduce your hours now. Go ahead and let the debt in his name become a problem. Go ahead and let his failure to get a job become a problem.

Do less work and more childcare so the eventual settlement can be 50:50. Having a better relationship with your children will help them anyway.

If it were me I'd rather go bankrupt than not see my children. I'd rather go bankrupt than be permanently at work to enable someone else to spend my earnings fecklessly.

Tell him that you can't sustain such long hours or you'll burn out and have a breakdown. You are reducing your hours to 40 per week as of as soon as you can.

You have to get yourself working less and him working more if you are to be the active present parent you wish to be.

As Towel says, drop your hours. To have been able to pay off £100K of debt over the years you must be on excellent money. Take a cut, reduce outgoings, take it as an opportunity to change your life for the better.

The fact is I AM burning out and on the verge of a breakdown. He knows he want and need to work less and I need him to step up and earn money so we can share the load of childcare and finances.

How would you stop working such long hours? What would go bust first on the finances?

Towel- a lot of my work is self employed so I can stop that if I chose. The problem would be paying his debts, which are now in my name (transferred them to 0% credit cards so I could pay them off over time without interest). I can cut my cloth in lots of ways though. I need to have a big think and review of finances...

Oh lovely. I think you're getting a hard time here. You're cracking under the pressure and I know how you feel. You're right. You will have a breakdown.

Firstly. DONT BAIL HIM OUT. My husband was like yours and I'm like you. I kept paying his debts because I don't like debt. One day I woke up and thought "fuck it". I didn't help him from then on. I didn't bail him out and don't lend him money. He was shit with money. I'm not. So I left him to it.

Now. He's soooo much better. Pays his bills on time - still earns way less than I do but I'm not stressing as much anymore.

Do this for you. xx

Get straight to a lawyer and commence a legal separation... this is madness ... you are making yourself ill ..
he won’t change .. you must cut all financial ties with him anc therefore remove the liability that always ends up with you and move on to a better life ... work .., kids etc it can all be worked out .
Plenty of women bring up children alone ... get good childcare arranged ...
you are not responsible for him .. he can get a job and pay his own way in life ...

What a terrible example for your children ...
good luck

You must get out of this horrible cycle. Indeed he is acting like a child. He won’t necessarily get custody of the children. Especially not if you cut down your hours. Of course you don’t want to have sex with him. Who wants sex with somebody incompetent and childish - it is such a turnoff. I am in a new relationship now after something similar to this. It is amazing being with an adult. Simply amazing.