Ghosted or should I be more patient?

[MIA12]

Hi,

Met a man towards the end of last year when he was doing some work on my house. He text me after the job and things went from there. He often works all over the county so isn’t always around to make plans with. I’m ok with that as not looking to rush into anything too serious too quickly myself.

We made vague plans for him to come over last Saturday evening but when I called his mobile that day it went straight to a message saying ‘we can now send a free text to the person you’re calling as they’re not available at the moment’.

We had spoken a couple of days before for over an hour and left it as he would let me know if he was free to come over on the Saturday.

Tried to call him again midweek and got the same message on his phone. I also sent a text which hasn’t been delivered. Still getting the same message today when I call his phone, I don’t know whether that means his phone is off or has been disconnected. It’s the same message when I call from another phone so he hasn’t blocked my number alone.

Should I write this off or am I expecting too much? Bit disappointing as I don’t often meet men I like. But also not going to waste my time if he’s just messing me around.

I would find it hard to believe that in his line of work he has been without a phone this long.
I know it's only a few days but that's a lot of work potentially lost if he can't be contacted.
I wouldn't phone his work or fb message him. He knows where you are if he wants to contact you in the slim chance something has happened. Out of interest has he been updating his fb account, are there any new posts over the weekend (I would be curious to see if there were but only because I'm a nosey cow).
I know you say he's not bold enough to just turn up on your door but he found the courage to pursue you in the first place didn't he?
For something so casual I would say he doesn't really owe you any kind of explanation if he isn't feeling it but in all honesty if he said he would confirm either way about Saturday and he hasn't, well that's just bad manners and I wouldn't be interested in continuing contact with a man that rude in any case.
It's disappointing when you like someone and something like this happens but to be honest I've learned to just detach from it and move on without giving it too much thought.

I have a friend who is really flaky like this, she is impossible to pin down and make plans with and “disappears” for days or weeks at a time. It has really impacted our friendship. Sounds like this guy is like her. Pain in the arse. You are well rid of him.

May well have been the wrong thing to do Yellow but maybe you’re right and he will think twice next time.

Confused Yes you’re probably right r.e. being without a phone. It is more likely that he simply swapped his sim card sometime between our chat on Thursday and me calling him on Sat. I have already sent him a message on FB but that’s it now. I don’t know if FB even shows him the message when we aren’t friends but I feel more able to draw a line under it now I’ve had a ‘chance’ to say how I feel. No recent updates but it’s his profile photos and older posts that were public so I wouldn’t necessarily see if he had anyway.

I genuinely wouldn’t expect an explanation but just a simple text saying he wasn’t interested anymore would have been the decent thing to do.

Hearts You must have the patience of a saint. I couldn’t deal with repeated episodes of this.

Just so you know, because you will wonder.. Even as a non-friend, FB would alert him that you’re trying to get in touch. He might not accept the message request (so might not read it) but know that he’ll know you’re trying to contact him.

If he does read it, you’ll have a notification letting you know that he’s accepted your message request.

Thank you Candle , kind of you to explain how it works as I’m clueless.

It will drive you mad otherwise.

Thank you

Feeling really down today. Don’t really know why as after the way he’s behaved he’s not the sort of person I’d want anything to do with anyway. Maybe it was the hope and excitement of something new?

Keep analysing what I said when we last spoke and I don’t think there was anything offensive. He did open up about not being in contact with his DM. Maybe he felt like he revealed too much. I don’t know. Don’t understand why he’s done a complete 180 and wish I knew if it’s something I’ve done.

Finding it hard being cooped up with too much time to think after my operation. Wish I could get out for a nice walk to cheer me up. Someone tell me to pull myself together

You're going to be just fine, you're just feeling sorry for yourself. Have that moment and then accept that you will probably never know what the real reason was. Will this all matter in 5 years time? Hell no, move on and see it as a blessing.

Where one door closes another one opens.

X

It´s always hard for the first few days (sometimes weeks), but then it gets better and you move on. Try to keep busy and stop yourself from thinking too much about it. You can do this. This guy isn't worth your time and energy, so don't give it to him.

@Mia, you haven't done anything wrong. Stop over analysing and over thinking. We are not responsible for people's bad manners. How could you think that you have done anything wrong? You have not blocked him, deleted him or even ghosted him for that matter.

He is an adult and he chooses to ghost you instead of engaging you in dialogue and telling you that he does not want a friendship/relationship with you. Then you know where you stand, instead the man is so weak that he leave you on the edge guessing whether you are falling or standing.

Stay strong and be kind to yourself. You must not punish yourself where he left off - dress up and take yourself for your own good for a walk.

I have been following this thread after I was left hanging the same way you are right now. I was ghosted and all my calls, texts and emails were ignored. I had to pull myself together, I live alone, so it's dangerous to go into depression because of what someone has decided to do to me.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3408753-Limerence-and-it-coming-to-an-end

I hope so ree . The irony being I wasn’t even trying to meet someone when he came along but as he was keen and attentive I gave it a shot. But I have enjoyed the buzz so maybe it is time to consider dating properly again. Just completely disillusioned is this is how people behave now.

Thanks sonja and you’re so right about him not being deserving of the angst he’s caused me.

Thank you so much Spring I’ve read your post a couple of times and will read it again when I’m feeling rubbish. His behaviour is just so alien to me and out of his usual character that I’m flummoxed by it and trying to make sense of what happened.

I’m on crutches and still in a lot of pain so unfortunately can’t get out and about yet but have been trying to get on with some inane paperwork filing to keep me busy. As soon as I pause it comes back to me with a thud and I feel sad and confused.

So sorry you have experienced something similar Spring . I’m amazed people can be so cruel. What does it take to let the other person know where they stand, really? I also live alone and need to keep a watch on my MH. Normally keeping busy keeps me sane. Having this happen when I need to rest and recover is the worst possible timing.

He probably knew you are a lovely person and so he was too much of a coward to tell you properly. It says a lot about him, you've done nothing wrong and hopefully soon you'll feel like you've moved on from him.

I promise not all men are like that and at least now you know you're ready to date!

Be wined and dined and enjoy the dating process, everything happens for reason x

Thank you Yellow . As silly as it sounds it’s affirming to hear someone say I haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve run over our conversation and texts the last day we spoke questioning everything I’ve said. Wishing we hadn’t spoke and maybe things would be different now. I know I need to stop it. If anything he was more open than he has been so far that day, talking about his family and long term plans for the future etc.

Thank you also ree hopefully that can be something to look forward to.

Sorry to reignite the thread. I’ve had a couple of days of feeling a bit better and knowing I wouldn’t want someone who behaves like this in my life anyway. But couldn’t sleep last night and woken up feeling all down and tearful again.

So confused about how our last chat was fine and then 48 hours later he’s gone. He could have said he was busy with work and ended the call after 2 mins if he wasn’t interested.

I’ve signed up to a dating website as a distraction but just don’t fancy anyone on there. I’m sorry to be so pathetic, I don’t even recognise myself. I normally don’t stand for any nonsense off anyone. If this was happening to a friend I’d tell them he’s a prick and to forget about him so why can’t I?

Your not pathetic you were hurt and it will take time to get over it. Try and keep yourself busy and keep off your phone.

You’re quite right to be upset and confused about it. What he did was horrible and rude. It’s not nice to start trusting someone and be open and then they completely blank you.

You still know he’s not worth it deep down, as the pp said, it will take time.

He sounds odd and flaky OP. Some people just are. It's his problem, not yours. You'll go on to meet someone really nice and deserving of you, but he will probably always go through life flaky and never able to connect with people on a deeper level. Although it hurts now, I think you've had a lucky escape.

Stop beating yourself up for feeling bad OP. You are allowed to feel bad in this scenario - he did a shitty thing to you.

Ghosting is an extreme form of gaslighting and we all know how toxic that is.

Be kind to yourself

Oh an about my friend (above) - I don’t know why I have so much patience for her really. She is my oldest friend, our parents knew each other before we were born. She has burned a lot of bridges in her life and I guess I feel like she needs a good friend more than I need her to be reliable IYSWIM.

It’s just so shit. Every time I pick my phone up I have a glimmer of hope that he will have got in touch but of course he never has.