Ghosted or should I be more patient?

[MIA12]

Hi,

Met a man towards the end of last year when he was doing some work on my house. He text me after the job and things went from there. He often works all over the county so isn’t always around to make plans with. I’m ok with that as not looking to rush into anything too serious too quickly myself.

We made vague plans for him to come over last Saturday evening but when I called his mobile that day it went straight to a message saying ‘we can now send a free text to the person you’re calling as they’re not available at the moment’.

We had spoken a couple of days before for over an hour and left it as he would let me know if he was free to come over on the Saturday.

Tried to call him again midweek and got the same message on his phone. I also sent a text which hasn’t been delivered. Still getting the same message today when I call his phone, I don’t know whether that means his phone is off or has been disconnected. It’s the same message when I call from another phone so he hasn’t blocked my number alone.

Should I write this off or am I expecting too much? Bit disappointing as I don’t often meet men I like. But also not going to waste my time if he’s just messing me around.

@mia, no lovely don't give him any benefit of the doubt. If he wanted to be in touch he would have found a way. I know this is painful for you but have a little grieve today and you will feel a little stronger tomorrow. Pls don't search your phone records or call his work or join FB. You will look unhinged and he is even less likely to want to be in a relationship with you. Just leave it be and if he calls he calls. Focus on yourself now and getting someone else in to complete that work. Put your energies into that.

Op, I think if you have tried more than one phone line and found the same response to his mobile it is more than likely that he has either cancelled that contract or disconnected that line. No need to block in that event. Both fairly final solutions. He could be married, in a relationship, wants to be alone etc. Just leave him be now and move on at the start of this new year.

Thank you Ria I’ll do what you say and try to put it behind me from tomorrow. Really don’t understand why he couldn’t give me the courtesy of a text if he has changed his number. This has really put me off meeting other men.

But other men aren’t him, they won’t do the same to you or they might, but tarring all men with the same brush isn’t fair.

Believe me I should know the disasters I’ve had, ghosting is bloody cruel, just be honest with someone but in a way it tells me that they weren’t the person I should be with as I’d never do that to anyone & I wouldn't want to be with someone who did that. My most recent disaster was a seemingly lovely guy with 2 kids he seemed to have had a rough time with his ex wife 2 years ago but I assumed after that time he was ready to date as on dating site etc but spoke for a while met up had an amazing time spoke for couple more weeks, arranging another date then has a ‘catch up’ with best mate then ghosts me all weekend after it and at least after I text saying I was worried something had happened to him I got the it’s not me it’s you...text fucking brutal he’s not ready
I think it’s a load of tosh myself surely he must’ve know once we met etc but really it told me enough about him as a person that he could be so cruel and thoughtless towards someone that it was a lucky eacape I think. A week before Christmas and my mum was in intensive care at the time. I still miss him and I’ll see things or go to tell him stuff and remember but I’m better off without someone like that.
You will meet someone else, it’s hard I know but they aren’t all like that I promise

I know it's thinking the worst but I think it's possible he's married or in a relationship already and he's panicked and disappeared.
Hopefully you will have an answer soon but try not to give it too much headspace in the meantime.

Sorry to hear you’ve had such a rotten time Kay and you’re spot on about knowing they aren’t the right person for you if they’ll behave like this.

God I hope not Chocolate I’d hate to think I’d been involved in something like that. Maybe you’re right though and he has panicked. I don’t want to keep thinking about it but just so mystified how someone can go from chatting normally to disappearing 2 days later.

@MIA12 sweetheart, do what YOU want to do. We are only here to guide. We are no great fountains of wisdom by any means. We just share our experiences and offer guidance. I'm not sure how old you are but personally I am bit long in the tooth and worn most of the t shirts. As many other mumsnetters have. We are just trying to guide you, that's all. You are your own free will and you make choices as you see fit. Take some time to digest all we have said and you make a balanced view based on all the facts you have and our shared experiences. Just a thought... the new guy you get in to finish the job could be FAF! Just a thought! Mistress fete works in the most mysterious of ways.... 😉

Thanks again Ria I don’t know what to do really so it’s helpful to have guidance. Unless I try to get in touch through other means (which seems to be a categorical no on here) I guess all I can do is try to forget about it all. I wouldn’t have bothered with the whole thing if I’d known but he’s been polite and well mannered up until now so completely out the blue. Oh well. Thanks again for your kindness.

I got to this bit
vague plans for Saturday evening

And thought “nope”.

Chalk this one up to experience and don’t give him a second chance.

1. If he was that interested he’d have formed it up.
2. Would you treat a casual acquaintance this way? No. Leaving people hanging is rude.
3. He has ghosted you, even if he comes back do not engage!it’s only to keep you on the back burner. He knows your address he could have got in touch if he wanted.
4. Your friends advice is AWFUL! Don’t contact his work

Ps sorry this happened. I had similar when dating and its really really sucky.

So cheap to get a burner phone for your casual relationships and just replace it every few months.

Sorry, OP. He really would have found a way to contact you if his phone was broken. Shy or not, it’s the perfect excuse to pop round.

It's easy for me to say, I know, but he's not worth the headspace. He could've contacted you if he'd really wanted to. You don't need someone rude and lazy. You deserve someone who puts the effort in and makes it feel easy. You've only been seeing him two or three weeks, it's hard work already.. There are good men around, sometimes you have to go through a few useless ones to find them.

Hope your surgery went well, but to be honest you have too much time on your hands and are overthinking this. You have made contact at least 4 times, please do not try again.

Well rightly or wrongly I’ve sent him a message on Facebook. Not begging or angry, just saying he should have let me know. Maybe it is better to maintain a dignified silence but it was bothering me that we’ve been in touch for several weeks, been intimate etc and he thinks it’s ok to just vanish without so much as a ‘not interested anymore’ text. Feeling more at peace with it now even though I won’t know if he’s seen or read the message or not as we aren’t friends on there.

Please don’t reply if it’s to give me a hard time. I’ve had to do what felt right to me. I’m going to put it behind me now.

@Mia, I would have done the same thing. It's important to get things like that off your chest. There is no right or wrong way, enjoy the new week!

I too would have done the same. I’ve got very fed up with men doing this and have started calling them out on it.

Thank you both

Listen to Ariana grande. Next.
People have no manners and you deserve more.

If it has given you peace it was the right thing to do.

Ditto what oddsocks says, if you feel more at peace it was the right thing to do for you. I hope it gives you the closure you need and better luck next time!!

There are some good men out there!

Do you know that episode in Friends were Chandler tells Janice he's moving to Yemen because he doesn't have enough guts to break up with her? Well your situation reminds me of this, how immature and cold of him. See it as lucky escape x

Thanks everyone

ree Yes it is cold and I need to get a thicker skin if this is what people do now instead of calling something off. I’m late twenties but was in a LTR for over a decade so quite naive about meeting men.

I had a flick through his Facebook before messaging him (I know, I know) and bizarrely there’s several messages from other people all trying to get hold of him and failing . Not just now but over a long period of time. Even men. Messages like ‘have you changed your number mate’ he replies no, they reply ‘you just didn’t feel like replying to me then’. Someone else pleading with him to get in touch, saying they’ve even contacted his sister to try and speak to him. That’s two examples but there’s more! So weird! I’m not saying he hadn’t lost interest with me as he clearly had but it seems to be normal to him. So a lucky escape indeed.

Well at least you know it’s not just you!

I think it sounds more like an issue with his phone than anything else. But if he is interested, he will get in touch again. Don't contact him now.

Yeah drop him now. I wouldn't have done what you did but maybe he will think twice before he does similar with another woman.

Sounds like he likes casual relationships but pretends to want more, which is cruel and unfair. Hes s coward for not bring honest.