Am I expecting too much?

[Mummyoftwokids]

I want grand gestures. I want my man to walk through the door with flowers. I want him to book a table for dinner. I want I want I want!

For 13 years I was married and without going into details, it drained me. I looked after him through thick and thin. I eventually had to leave as it was making me ill.

Now I've been in a new relationship for about 10months and I'm finding that once again, I'm pouring myself into this relationship and not getting as much back.

I cook for us. I plan trips out. I talk about the future. I Initiate social things with his family etc.

Just feeling like I'm being taken advantage of and I'm questioning what I'm actually getting out of the relationship now.

I'm not trying to big myself up but I'm a selfless person, I like to give. But flip me.. it has to work both ways. Feeling frustrated. I left my last relationship ship because I wasn't feeling loved at all and I can't have that again.

I want someone who NEEDS me, who WANTS me, who tells me why they love me, whospoils me, and just someone who's crazy about me.

Is this baggage and fear of getting into the same sort of relationship? Am I expecting too much? I don't know.

Well everyone is different, but you are entitled so speak to your OH and say what is important to you and what makes you feel loved.

Have you ever read the 5 love languages? It's really interesting about how different people express love in different ways and we shouldn't expect one person's way of showing love to be the same as ours. But recognising our own language helps a lot.

Thanks Mrs. I have. I usually like things done for me like making a cup of tea - simple things that show me love. And affection (which he's good at).

But I just want it to come from him. If I say I want flowers, and he buys me flowers..it's not the same. I'm using flowers as an example just

I just want the person who tells me he loves me, to prove it. It's got me wondering if we're even right for each other.

What's his love language and are you hitting the spot there too for him?

Like you, when I was married I bent over backwards to be a 'perfect wife' which was soul destroying when you are making so much effort with nothing reciprocated, I know exactly what you mean.
However I am now single and plan on staying that way, concentrating on me and dc. I find my friends partners/husbands to be mostly lazy and let the woman do the work/thinking/planning so it stands to reason most blokes may start out trying to impress then, when you are hooked, settle back and stop making an effort.
I don't know the answer to this, op, other than laying out exactly what you want and give him a few months to step up. This takes up more of your valuable time though, so ask yourself honestly is he worth it?
People have asked why I'm not dating and, like you, for once I want to be wined and dined and made a fuss of, and if that's not possible I will stay single and spoil myself. So few men are worth the effort in my opinion.

Probably gifts and touch. I'm not an overly touchy person but I make a conscious effort to show him that. And I would buy the odd wee surprise. But I buy all the food we eat and I'm not that well off so I can only do so much.

Ruddy... wow.
I agree with everything you've said. I know it was a bit soon for me to start a relation after such a big split. 13 years is a long time. It just happened though. And now it feels like I can't be bothered putting in the effort needed....

Why on earth are you buying all the food for both of you?? Christ if he's coming to yours tell him to bring food for you both or don't bother turning up!

I don't know 😔 I just don't mind cooking and he works more hours than me.

But I buy all the food we eat

That needs nipping in the bud. If you enjoy cooking, fine - but he should provide the ingredients one in two meals.

I feel you may have 'mummied' him a bit, as you say you plan outings with him, as well as buying and cooking meals, with no input from him.

It's not him; it's you.

By this I mean that your behaviours are creating and reinforcing your experience. He may be a lazy sod, don't get me wrong: but you are enabling him by doing what you do.

Totally agree... I turned my ex into a lazy did by wanting things done my way so he thought stuff it let her crack on then. You do have to be mindful of that.

Works out well for him then doesn't it. No offence, op, but to him you look like a very convenient girlfriend. He rocks up at yours, expects to be fed and, I am guessing, a bed for the night. Double bubble bonus for him is he doesn't have to make any effort whatsoever.
You are letting him treat you like this, though?
I know you are probably feeling empty and desolate after your marriage ending so maybe be single for a while, treat yourself how you want to be treated. If you are buying food for 2, dump this leech and use the money you save on buying yourself flowers, choccies, wine. Take yourself to the cinema, order yourself a takeaway on the weekend, make time for friends. Being single really opens your eyes to what you will and will not accept in a future partner, op. YOU are the catch, not some poor excuse for a bloke

Lots of food for thought. I know I "mummy" him. I just don't want a relationship of "well you did that for me so I'll do that for you" because if you love someone it's not about keeping scores BUT I think you're all right in that I'm enabling him to not have to put much into the relationship.

I'll have to start stepping back a bit. I've no energy to put in all the work anymore. I'm quite independent so I don't mind that.. just want to feel loved though ☹️

Cheesy but you have to love yourself first

For what it's worth, Mummy, I struggle to find this balance in relationships. I'm very good at nurturing, and many men like being mothered. I also tend to choose men who like that, albeit unconsciously. I won't do that again, and in fact am happy to remain single unless and until I meet someone who is fully willing to pull his weight - and then who actually does that too!

I suspect we might have a long wait unfortunately

I think it’s a very good idea to step back. The fact he lets you do so much, without him doing much back, is sad. Letting you buy and cook all the food is very telling, unless he’s doing something of a similar value, money and time wise, he’s taking advantage of you.

He maybe just isn't the right person for you?

I would hate what you want and feel suffocated and claustrophobic but we are all different.

I do think that in the early days of a relationship if one person makes a point of being very organised and taking the lead in making social plans etc then that tends to set the tone for the relationship and it becomes easy for the other person to sit back and not bother

I suspect so too, Inliverpool1 - I don't know of any close friends who don't deal with this in their relationships to an extent that bothers them.

No reason at all why you can’t have what you want.

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years and he regularly comes home via the shop and brings me flowers and more importantly cake unexpectedly and will make sure we have date nights, meet for lunch on work days etc, makes a fuss on birthdays and anniversaries.

He’s not perfect of course, none of us are, but he is romantic and thoughtful, generous and he makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world when we’re together.

It’s not too much to expect, spell out your expectations (along with what you’re willing to bring to the party in return) and if your man can’t or won’t step up, keep looking.

The problem with being a people pleasing/perfectionist sort, is that others rarely live up to our expectations or how good we are! which in turn leads to resentment and disappointment on our part.
We can't impose our own values onto other people.

That said, I am exactly like you, and would feel similar

How about you say to him: right, the next weekend we're spending together, I'd like you to take control and plan what we do'. Put the onus back onto him, and see what happens.

Sounds like you’re not right for each other.

You are wanting him to change... never works.

I have to pipe in here on a few things. I, too, am a natural born giver/people pleaser etc. I truly enjoy doing things for others and often do them unsolicited with absolutely no need nor expectation back of anything. As a giver that's the only way my brain works.

However, I was dating someone back for 2 months in early autumn who's an expector. I'd known him previously, long story don't need to go into, so wasn't a complete stranger to me by any stretch of the imagination. He occasionally did unsolicited things for me, e.g., would turn up and shovel after a snow, I came home to him one time fixing my fence, would insist on paying for a snack, lunch, drink etc. Very nice things and also things I never asked him to help with.

I always did things at his home too. I bought groceries, cooked lovely meals, did things around his 88 acre farm etc. In my opinion this is what people just do for each other. It's not bloody tit for tat

WELL, end of November he phoned me saying that he wants to end things as he feels he does so much for me and I never do anything for him. He brought up the fence fix(never asked him to help he turned up while I was at work), turning up to shovel(again, he turned up on his own), you get the picture. I always thanked him profusely, but he doesn't acknowledge anything I ever did because those things are expected of women. Ugh. I should also add he retired very early and I'm working 3 jobs so he has a wee bit more free time than I do

Anyway, point being. If you want to do something nice for someone, do it. If you don't, don't. Don't be a martyr. If you don't feel appreciated, talk to the person about it. Don't randomly do constant unsolicited kind acts expecting a repayment. Do it out of kindness or don't do it at all. It was to the point I would get agitated, irritated and resentful when I came home from work and saw something had been done around my yard as I knew I'd be expected to repay somehow and by mind-reading. I was friggin tired from work and just want to chill, not have to worry about what I was expected to do on his farm on my one day off. At 52 years old, this was a first to experience this.

It just reads to me that you're not really right for each other, and you're better off in the long run finding a partner who does express love through the kind of gestures you would like. You're not wrong for wanting the flowers and the romance and the passion, but it's clear this man isn't that kind of person and you'll most likely end up very resentful of each other long term.

Both of you write 5 things you like that the other does, e.g makes you a cup of tea every morning, then 10 things, you think the other would like you to do, eg.turn your phone off when eating a meal together. Then swop.
As a PP said you may just not be on the same page with your love language. He may think filling the dish washer is his sign of love, you may not have noticed it etc. Only downside with this is my DH wanted me to play board games with him, urghhhhh I hate board games, but I do it sometimes now as I know it means a lot to him whereas before I really didn't see it as anything relevant in the relationship

That's if you can be bothered and don't just want a break from dating or need to find a more compatible person!