Am I expecting too much?

[Mummyoftwokids]

I want grand gestures. I want my man to walk through the door with flowers. I want him to book a table for dinner. I want I want I want!

For 13 years I was married and without going into details, it drained me. I looked after him through thick and thin. I eventually had to leave as it was making me ill.

Now I've been in a new relationship for about 10months and I'm finding that once again, I'm pouring myself into this relationship and not getting as much back.

I cook for us. I plan trips out. I talk about the future. I Initiate social things with his family etc.

Just feeling like I'm being taken advantage of and I'm questioning what I'm actually getting out of the relationship now.

I'm not trying to big myself up but I'm a selfless person, I like to give. But flip me.. it has to work both ways. Feeling frustrated. I left my last relationship ship because I wasn't feeling loved at all and I can't have that again.

I want someone who NEEDS me, who WANTS me, who tells me why they love me, whospoils me, and just someone who's crazy about me.

Is this baggage and fear of getting into the same sort of relationship? Am I expecting too much? I don't know.

Sounds like my ex always wanted tokens or showy gestures, became a royal pain in the ass in the end. Glad she has gone and new partner is more pragmatic.

I haven’t RTFT but am watching a with interest advice I could do with this tips for maintaining equality and those treats. Separate houses works well, also I make a point of accepting him paying for drinks and dinner in accordance with roughly how much we earn, and his age (he’s older). If he does a nice thing for me, I do something like cook dinner, back. It’s a treat and not an expectation.

So far, so good but it could lapse into laziness. My motto is “what’s good enough for the goose is good enough for the gander”.

It helps that he knows my ex husband so can see, and is also on the receiving end from his exes.

What you want will destroy all your relationships. It's destroying mine. Stop thinking about yourself and think about what your other half wants. It's not always about us women.

@Thats Blunt but I tend to agree. I've known several women who "expect" flowers, taken out to dinner, little treats from their partners and husbands. In almost every case if I ask whether they ever take the man out to dinner, or buy him flowers or little treats, the answer is "god no".

Amazing how many women still seem to live in the 1950s in this sort of scenario. It's like the constant threads of women moaning that their partner hasn't proposed and when it's suggested they propose "god, no, I could never do that, I expect him to do it; I'm traditional" obscure to the fact they've been living together for two years and already have kids (which tends to blow "traditional" out of the water).

Are you a relationship martyr?

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fearless-you/201307/are-you-relationship-martyr

I am/was
The clue is in the way you think of yourself as selfless.
My counsellor asked what I got from being like that. I really didn't understand. I thought it was good to be so giving and that.I wasn't expecting anything.in return. But actually, I liked that feeling of martyrdom. Not such a nice trait as I thought.

lonerwolf.com/martyr-complex-symptoms/

I totally get where you’re coming from OP because I’m exactly the same. It’s absolutely your right to decide and demand what you want/need from a relationship. This guy isn’t measuring up. Don’t waste more years. Dump and find the one who does do that stuff. My grandfather used to do it for my gran so they are out there. He used to lavish her with attention and until the day he died she was the shining goddess of his life. Together for almost 70 years and totally adored her. Don’t settle for mediocre. You got out of that marriage. Go get somebody like my grandfather. It might take a while but the search is surely worth it.

This sounds like every relationship I have had and I now realise it's me that is the problem. By pouring love and gestures into the relationship the other person knows they don't have to. So it sets the dynamic for the relationship going forward. One person always taking the initiative. It's hard though to step back when you are use to that approach.

Buy yourself the flowers and get a grip. That’s my new mantra

I get you op. I'm even worse because I like to be in control and make the decisions and don't like the traditional women gifts (flowers etc) so also expect him to be a mind reader. Attentive but leaving me with freedom but then I think he's no longer interested. This is the first time I've thought about how I am. I do a lot for other people but really struggle to accept favours in return and if I do accept them, I repay them even though I've done them lots of favours. The guy I'm seeing is q great cook but im taking over I realise, deciding what to cook and then cooking it myself. Why? I don't know. Hmm might have to think a bit about this.

Musti,

I'm the same! I like to be in control and sometimes I end up doing things because "I" want to do them or prefer it my way. I was just saying flowers as an example, I'm not overly romantic or demanding like some woman can be. I'm no princess I make my own money etc.

So I can't have it both ways.

He came in yesterday with flowers for me as he knew I wasn't feeling great with my depression. He also made dinner without me asking.