Friend left me out

[Mistlewoeandwhine]

A friend that I had considered a good/close friend had a significant birthday. We spent quite a lot of time discussing what she was going to do with her deciding to have a quiet cottage break with her husband and sons. All good. Except that her husband let it slip recently that there had obviously been some kind of party requiring several crates of wine which had all been drunk. Friend looked embarrassed and slipped off to the bathroom. I acted dumb. Now I am sad and rejected. Not really at being left out but more at being lied to. I’m probably not going to say anything but I feel sad. I thought we were close friends. I would never have left her out or lied to her. :(

If you are close there must have been a reason. Can you not think of one?

Of was the party at the cottage, a bit of travel away?

Was it a family only party?

Why didn't you say something to her? I'd be very hurt about being lied to.

Are you going to ask her or carry on as normal? I'd personally be pulling back to see what she does. There will be a reason and not knowing what that reason is will just continue the lie imo.

I definitely can’t think of a reason. I’m not an arsehole, honestly 😁 I don’t overly bother her but have been a supportive friend. She frequently seeks out my company. I don’t know where the party was.

The only way I can find out more about the party is to directly confront her. It seems so needy and primary school -ish that it would be embarrassing. I will pull away from the friendship I think.

I’d ask her outright. You don’t have to be rude, just message something like ‘it was a bit awkward earlier, is there a reason I wasn’t invited?’

Maybe she's put you in the box of "supportive, be-there friend" and not the "get pissed a lot party friend"?

I’m worried that I am weird in some way that I don’t realise.

I’m good fun, I think. Never embarrassed her publicly.

I would pull away from the friendship. She seeks you out when she wants your company but tries to keep a party secret? That's horrible.

You don't have to an arsehole for there to be a reason.

Could be something like, it was no kids and you have them. Or travel and you don't drive or anythjng

I was in a similar position a few years ago and although it’s hard I think yes, you should pull back. Whatever the reasoning behind it the fact is this friend didn’t feel the need to protect you from the inevitable hurt of hurting out. You don’t need people like that in your life.

You poor thing. I would be hurt by this.

Yes. It’s just sad when you think someone is your friend then you find they don’t value you in the same way.

I can see it as being a bit crap but my good friend of 20 odd years don't invite each other to events and parties we both know we wouldn't enjoy due to the company present. It doesn't affect our freiendship at all. We have a very different circle that does not always compliment each other.

Do you see her as part of a group, or does she have a close friendship group? It might just be that she doesn’t think you’d enjoy spending time with her other friends?

Is it possible that it wasn’t really a party, but a get together with a different friendship group? Perhaps someone else organised it for her. I guess either ask it let it go, unless you have other concerns about the friendship.

No other concerns about the friendship. It might be that she has a friendship group that she wanted to spend her birthday with.

She’s quite a private person and doesn’t discuss her other friends at allow at least very rarely.

*all or

Maybe it was just with a specific friend group, like work or university friends

Oh dear that must hurt. Do you get on with her husband? Perhaps it was just family?

I think it sounds like you can get past this. If she’d deliberately excluded you from a big do her husband probably wouldn’t have mentioned it unless he’s a bit of a stirrer. Perhaps there’s something nice the two of you can do to celebrate her bday.

Could it have been just family, or for something other than her birthday?