Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feelings for co worker

33 replies

Steve56 · 18/01/2019 17:44

I’ve been in a job for 15 years now. Worked my way to the top. Last year we took on some new staff. One woman in particular caught my eye. We exchanged pleasantries in passing but nothing more. Very attractive lady. Thought nothing more than that at the time.
Slowly started to ‘fancy’ her. A month ago I found out I would be training her in her new role. Meaning working together every day. Pretty much since then I have developed feelings for her. I’m 32 and she is 44. Both of us in relationships. Its like being a kid at school again having a ‘crush’ so to say. I literally can't stop thinking about her all day everyday wether i’m at work or not and working with her is good as I get to spend time with her but also hard to keep a lid on my feelings for her and stay professional. I am at a bit of a cross roads, I don’t see me expressing my feelings to her anytime soon as I think she would just take it as a massive shock and it would probably cost me my job but at the same time it is driving me mad being in this predicament. Any advice?? TIA

OP posts:
VietnameseCrispyFish · 18/01/2019 17:57

Honestly?

If you can’t trust yourself to treat her in the exact same way you’d treat a male colleague you didn’t fancy, ask for some kind of transfer of responsibility so she can be trained by someone else.

DrFangsWillSeeYouNow · 18/01/2019 17:59

both of us in relationships

well that is your answer op. Work on your relation or end it. Then either you are the type to mix work with romance or not.

What do you actually want? to get over it? to know if she feels the same? an affair? what?

Original poster
Steve56 · 18/01/2019 18:06

I treat everyone in my profession in the same professional manner. Even though it is incredibly hard given the situation.

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 18/01/2019 18:08

You are in a relationship and so is she. This means that any kind of emotional attachment between the two of you shouldn't happen. If you were single, if she were single, then fair enough - although workplace relationships bring a whole host of other problems. Sometimes developing feelings for someone else is the indication that all is not well with the current relationship.

Original poster
Steve56 · 18/01/2019 18:18

Thank you for the advice. I just feel so attracted to her. Such a nice, kind, caring person. I’ve read elsewhere that it’ll pass but just cant see it atm

OP posts:
tylerina · 18/01/2019 18:22

I pity your poor partner...

SuperSuperSuper · 18/01/2019 18:23

What's your relationship like? Truthfully.

Do you sense any reciprocation on your colleague's part?

Original poster
Steve56 · 18/01/2019 18:27

Relationship is fine. Settled is the word. Then when I met her and developed this ‘crush’ its messed my head up big time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Steve56 · 18/01/2019 18:28

Unsure on the reciprocation part. She could reciprocate then I wouldn't know what to do or she might not reciprocate and it would make things awkward.

OP posts:
Plawmawss · 18/01/2019 18:32

Your poor missus :(

SeeMoreStars · 18/01/2019 20:09

I am in the exact same situation but female. Fancy a single guy (I am married) that I worked for a few months ago. I now work elsewhere in the same building. Constantly hoping I'd bump into him or he'd see me, looked and dressed my best. Look up limerence. Now it has subsided into a pleasant 'boost' to my day though I still get butterflies. My advice to you is get counselling and or work on what is missing in your current relationship. Or leave your relationship but there is no guarantee it would work out with this woman. She may not feel the same or even if she does she doesn't want to leave her partner. In my case, there are dc involved and I can't see myself rupturing their lives just because mummy fancies someone else. I still fancy and get on well with my husband. Also there are financial ties and multiple properties involved and I say to myself is it worth throwing everything up in the air? No it isn't, not for me. Just worship from afar and enjoy it. If I found myself single not from choice, then who knows?

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/01/2019 21:17

Take your cock out your hand and be a professional ffs.

Embarrassing.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 18/01/2019 21:24

Keep being professional. Never ever say anything about your feelings to her. Don't make any contact outside working hours. Start to increase your distance - delegate as much of the training to others as much as you can - oh Andi's the expert, not me; now we've completed that, I'll ask Chris to mentor you for that from now on.

You have a lot to lose. Be wise.

LilQueenie · 18/01/2019 21:27

She could reciprocate then I wouldn't know what to do or she might not reciprocate and it would make things awkward

You need to end the relationship you are in as its over and your partner needs to be aware of that.

beansontoastfortea · 18/01/2019 21:32

Do you have children op?

SkinnyPete · 18/01/2019 21:36

@Steve56

I just feel so attracted to her. Such a nice, kind, caring person.

No Steve, you think she's fit! Smile... Although she might be those things too.

How's the other relationship? That should be the measure of if you should do something or not.

beansontoastfortea · 18/01/2019 22:06

Let me guess... all this while your wife is at home slaving over your kids while you climb the career ladder and drop her like a lead balloon

SkinnyPete · 18/01/2019 22:11

Think he would have said married instead of relationship in the OP if that was the case.

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 18/01/2019 22:19

OP do you think she feels the same way about you?

How are things at home?

Do either of you have children?

If you think you're in love with her then maybe your current relationship has run its course. Maybe you do have a future with this woman but you need to decide whether she's worth the risk. If you want to be with her long term then for the best chance of it working out you both need to leave your partners before anything happens between you.

MsDogLady · 18/01/2019 22:25

Steve, you are saying a lot about how fabulous the new woman is: attractive, nice, warm, caring. You have feelings. You are so attracted to her. You think of her always.

You are not expressing any remorse for being emotionally disloyal to your devoted, trusting partner. You are not telling us how wonderful she is. Your description is ‘settled.’ While you obsess over your colleague, you are breaching your fidelity and creating emotional distance between you and your partner.

You need to somehow distance yourself from this woman. Put more energy into your existing relationship. Cherish your partner. You are on a slippery slope. Try to imagine her devastation if she knew.

How would you feel if she was obsessed by another man?

ree348 · 18/01/2019 22:46

It's lust, that doesn't last forever. Don't sabotage your relationship and your career over this.

user1479305498 · 18/01/2019 23:50

If your partner just doesn't do it for you anymore then be honest about it to yourself and give your partner a bit of respect and end it, because I have been on the receiving end of this kind of stuff. Didn't find out for 10 years and then found a pile of scribblings and songs he wrote. By this point I had been married 20 years and it is hugely hurtful. Yep you may fancy her, and we don't know how 'settled' you are (which isn't very flattering) but you either end up taking it further or stopping it altogether, there really isn't any middle way without the possibility someone gets hurt. My Hs thing was it was a big ego boost but was all one way apart from a lot of texting, however although I haven't left he has seriously pissed me off . You take that risk if you don't stop it

MumsyJ · 19/01/2019 05:10

This lust or crush of a thing you have will pass. Don't destroy your relationship as a result of this school boy feeling. What makes you think she isn't happy in her relationship? Save yourself the embarrassment and keep things professional.

user14869556378 · 19/01/2019 05:25

It will pass. It won't feel like it, but it will eventually. Why would you tell her how you feel? You are both married so nothing other than affair can come from it so what's the point. It's not meant to be.