Feelings for co worker

[Steve56]

I’ve been in a job for 15 years now. Worked my way to the top. Last year we took on some new staff. One woman in particular caught my eye. We exchanged pleasantries in passing but nothing more. Very attractive lady. Thought nothing more than that at the time.
Slowly started to ‘fancy’ her. A month ago I found out I would be training her in her new role. Meaning working together every day. Pretty much since then I have developed feelings for her. I’m 32 and she is 44. Both of us in relationships. Its like being a kid at school again having a ‘crush’ so to say. I literally can't stop thinking about her all day everyday wether i’m at work or not and working with her is good as I get to spend time with her but also hard to keep a lid on my feelings for her and stay professional. I am at a bit of a cross roads, I don’t see me expressing my feelings to her anytime soon as I think she would just take it as a massive shock and it would probably cost me my job but at the same time it is driving me mad being in this predicament. Any advice?? TIA

You are jeopardizing your personal relationship, your job and your colleague’s job. Do you feel entitled to do that?

You are at the top, a superior, and your co-worker is staff. You are crossing personal and professional boundaries because of your secret, intense attraction and feelings for this woman.

”I don’t see myself expressing my feelings anytime soon as I know she would just take it as a massive shock and it would probably cost me my job but at the same time it is driving me mad being in this predicament.”

Not soon, but maybe later? It sounds like you may be preparing to cross that line eventually. You haven’t acted on it yet because of (1) her shock and (2) your job. What about (3) your partner and (4) the colleague’s job? You would selfishly be putting her in a vulnerable position professionally. The chance of her both reciprocating and wanting to leave her partner is very small. She will likely be mortified.

As for your partner, I doubt that you really want to strengthen your bond with her. I would honor and respect her by ending things. I wouldn’t want to continue with my husband if he was obsessing over another woman while being with me.

Here are some questions.

• Have you got kids OP?
• Has she?
• If so does the thought of having to sit down and explain to your children that you're leaving the family home dampen your ardor for your colleague at all?

• Or are you picturing you and she having an affair behind both partners backs?

• Or, if neither of you have kids, why isn't your first thought how to end your current relationship before attempting to embark on another? Or were you going to dip your toe in the water and try it out before leaving your partner?

• How would you like your partner to treat you if she were in the same situation as you? To make at pass at the male colleague and see if he reciprocates before telling you? Or .... just get on and shag him and keep you in the dark?

All genuine Qs.

Are you my husband by any chance?

Two years ago this new woman entered his job and our lives. I cannot tell you the upheaval, heartbreak and commotion this “professional” relationship has had on my life.

Like you, my husband felt attracted to this lady 18 years younger than him. She had impeccable qualifications and she is very funny, cute and sweet. (his words) He was eager to help her out in any way he could to make her job easier. He helped her at home by putting up together a set of flat pack furniture. He just kept her under his wing. Up to here, everything was with my knowledge. I wasn’t very happy but I thought, he is being honest with me and he has a crush, it will pass.

Fast forward a few months, I go to my country to see my recently widowed mother and take my children with me. I am from Latin America, so we went for 4 weeks. I’ve gone every 3-4 years in the 15 years I’ve been here and it’s never been a problem. My husband used to spend the time outside of work, doing things he can’t usually- playing cricket, golf, table tennis, etc. He’d spend 2-3 hrs each evening on a videocall with me and DC, catching up on our days. This trip it was different. He was never around, no calls. My daughter’s iPod is synced to his phones with the same Apple ID so I started seeing all these lovely touristy selfies of him and this “colleague” at a number of beauty spots in the UK- (this colleague is from abroad too). The ipod also had Facebook and I discovered all sorts of cute little flirty messages....

I cannot tell you how much this hurt me and how much it has impacted our lives. He insists she is only a friend and it will never go beyond that. However, their whatsapp messages tell a different story (yes, I snooped and I’m not sorry) she feels she’s gained territory in the personal and professional aspect. She demands promotions, special treatment, and to be given all the information, including highly confidential and sensitive one. On a personal note, she demands being taken on dates again... demands that he take her shopping and to doctor’s appointments etc. I’ve told him that if he goes out with her again, we will divorce. He is stressed. He complains of chest pains. He can’t sleep at night.

And we will divorce, eventually. I have reams of evidence that would get them them both sacked instantly. But I am biding my time, saving up and waiting for the best moment to strike. And I will.

My advice? Do. not. go. in. there. It’s not worth it.

Hope my experience will help somehow.

”She could reciprocate then I wouldn’t know what to do...”

Really? Your partner would not be impressed by that statement. Surely she believes that you are a man with strong boundaries who would not abuse her trust and cheat on her. She deserves better.

Your statement confirms that you are considering cheating. You are hoping for intimacy with this woman.

@Laiste did a great job laying out the possibilities.

I will add a bit about Emotional Affairs in case you are one who minimizes their harm ‘because nothing physical happened.’ Having an Emotional Affair Is cheating, and occurs when you secretly channel emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than your partner. They are devastating.

Consider individual counseling to investigate your weak boundaries and poor coping mechanisms that led you to become so immersed in this fantasy that you feel entitled to risk everything to pursue it.

This is such a pathetic situation I seriously suspect it's a wind up. You want to pursue your 'crush' with this woman, go ahead. Just let your current partner know what a disloyal, disrespectful person you are first. I doubt she'd want to remain 'settled' with you if she know what you really thought of her. That she's worth less than lustful thoughts about a colleague. Get a grip. Maybe you should separate anyway, seeing as you are so easily capable of lusting after some woman at work, just because she's 'nice' and you think she's good looking, and are fantasizing about taking it further. Your poor partner.

I call BS on this thread

Some of this feels like a wind up but op you clearly don't have respect for your wife if you are thinking in this way.
How would you feel having to tell your wife you lost your job because of an emotional affair or Affair. Whilst she has been at home thinking everything is lovey dovey, between you and trusting you when you go to work. No didn't think about that did you.

What do you know about her? Everyone puts there best face on in work.

It's just a work crush, everyone gets them. But most recognise it.

Get a hobby or do some charity work.

Also 'you worked your way to the top' - don't shit where you eat.