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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How much abuse should I take from this situation.

32 replies

Looxxlooxx · 18/01/2019 16:44

I was with a guy 18 months . He slept with another woman and met up with her while we were on and off at the beggining and he lied about it . He continued to communicate with her. When I found out he blocked her .
6 months later , him being jobless . He goes on a stag do that I pay for him to not miss out and I found out 1 year later through his phone that he had unblocked ‘said woman’ while on stag do . He let me piece the information together and said he had no clue as to why she was unblocked while he was in Benidorm .
I asked the woman, thinking she would tell me and she denied any contact . I then found out off my own back that they were in Benidorm at the same time . My partner knew that eventually I would find out and so came clean and said ‘I’m so sorry , I kissed her ‘ I regret it.
Since this findings it’s never ever settled . So I have a few questions that my now ex seems to lie his way out of . Did he tell me or did I catch him?

  • What is the percentage of it being just ‘a kiss’ when he’s been there before? I believe they slept together he refuses to answer why she was unblocked to message and denies messaging . He says he didn’t hook up with her when I would class snogging someone multiple times in a club alone as ‘hooking up with someone’ . Is this a form of hooking up ? He denies being intimate with her yet any form of kissing outside of the relationship with another female is intimate in the victims eyes.

Fast Forward to now . After a lot of heartbreak and lying on his part and other woman linked to him . He blocked me and moved on with his life .
I realised I had endured enough and moved on to.

After several weeks of no contact one of his friends made a pass at me and while being drunk we both made the mistake of sleeping together . I knew I was wrong as it was his friend . It was a weekend of my head finally losing its senses and when he left that weekend I blocked him from contacting .
My partner came back. Saying he had made a massive mistake with his horrible behaviour and I came clean on my own regarding his friend because I personally didn’t want him finding out from someone down the line and me being as dishonest as him . I told him . He has been asking me everything and wanting details since it . Every last detail. I’m wearing thin since I believe he did other things to me in the past and I wanted a fresh start . I was single and not wanted and he cheated . I understand he is upset . But now it’s dug up everything from Benidorm and how he sees what he did as not intimate and he didn’t hook up or sleep with her.
How much abuse should I take from him regarding something I did when I was single . I know it shouldn’t have happened .
Please could someone answer my questions on whether I should believe he didn’t sleep with that woman and whether he should be asking every question regarding his friend . I gave him as much info as I thought he should know. But all I had was ‘I don’t know why she was unblocked and I didn’t unblock her to sleep with her .
Doesn’t make sense. They met up twice and I never heard from him one night he was there until 2pm the next day. Any kind answers for my head would be appreciated

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/01/2019 18:45

Don't take any shit, block him
There's absolutely no reason you need to be in contact

SlowlyShrinking · 18/01/2019 18:47

What are you even doing with him? He’s been lying to you from the beginning. What do you get from this relationship?

Surfingtheweb · 18/01/2019 18:51

You should take 0 abuse & really should just try to learn from your mistake of trusting him after he was messing around with her in the 1st place, not focus your energy on what the truth is in that situation. The overall truth is he is a dog & you are better off far away from him & his lies.x

AnnieCat84 · 18/01/2019 18:53

He's needs to go! Don't waste your time.

sackrifice · 18/01/2019 18:55

Just stop going back with this man.

category12 · 18/01/2019 18:55

Why on earth are you taking him back? He cheated on you and is making out you're as bad, but you did nothing wrong by sleeping with someone while you were broken up. He's doing a complete number on you.

Dump him. Stop contact.

Take some time out to work out why on earth you're setting the bar so low as to take back a cheating scumbag who bullies you.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2019 18:57

Stop fucking yourself in the head with stupid men (credit to Amy W)

BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2019 19:12

Stop giving him head space, walk away.

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/01/2019 19:28

How much abuse should a woman take from a man?????

ZERO...Always zero

I wouldn't have even let the prick know, you were single, its not his business.

Perhaps would you should have done was let him find out on his own and then insist that you only kissed and you don't know why you did it!!

oiiiiiii · 18/01/2019 19:30

@Looxxlooxx

What are you hoping will happen here? What's the outcome you are yearning for?

RagingWhoreBag · 18/01/2019 19:32

He 100% slept with her and has been gaslighting you about it ever since.

Walk away from him (and his friends!) and stop letting him back in your life, your head and your bed. He’s a lying cheating prick.

NotTheFordType · 18/01/2019 19:35

Of course he banged her.

You should not be taking ANY abuse for something that happened in the past while you were not together.

Tell this prick to jog on. There are so many men out there who are actually worthy of you.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 18/01/2019 19:35

You don't have to tell hime anything, it's none of his business what you did when you weren't together.

Why on earth did you take him back?? He's a liar and even taking his word for it he's cheated on two separate occasions, albeit with the same woman.

I would imagine he probably did sleep with her in Benidorm as well.

Give yourself a good talking to and move on from him. This is not what a decent relationship looks like.

LynetteScavo · 18/01/2019 19:36

He slept with the other woman in Benidorm.

You are no longer together so it's none of his business who you sleep with. Why on earth would you tell him? In fact, why would you even speak to him at all apart from you're not over him

Block him and move on. It doesn't matter whether it was a snog or a shag in Benidorm, he chose to go off with another woman and doesn't respect you.

SilverySurfer · 18/01/2019 19:59

Of course he slept with the other woman in Benidorm. Does he really expect you to believe they just kissed? It's so obvious it's in red neon lights.

Stop giving him attention or head space, block, move on and raise your bar higher for the next one.

I don't understand why some women put up with such shit behaviour and keep going back for more.

Surfingtheweb · 18/01/2019 21:57

@Closetbeanmuncher haha that's a brilliant idea!!

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2019 22:01

Well zero abuse, clearly. You were single and could have sex with who you chose when you chose and it was and still is fuck all to do with him.

Tell him it's none of his business and to stop raising it. You were not together and that is the end of it.

I've no clue why you're with him anyway.

SkinnyPete · 18/01/2019 22:03

The fact you put up with his shit and ambiguity can only mean he's doing something right Wink.

It's only up to you if you think it's worth it. Everyone on the outside is going to recommend LTB. But then we don't get to feel how badly you wanna f4 this guy.

DawgLover · 18/01/2019 22:10

Zero, you owed him nothing. He's a lying, cheating arsehole. Why would you want to get back with someone who you know for a fact cheated on you at least twice and let you twist while you figured it out. He cheated on you whilst on the holiday YOU paid for.

Please value yourself enough to tell him to take a flying fuck.

Changedname3456 · 19/01/2019 08:26

I don’t understand why you’d allow him back in the first place but if he’s “back” tell him to GTF with the questions. He’s got no right to know anything, but wait for a bit and I’m pretty sure he’ll dump you again and/or start shagging around (if he’s not already).

And when he does, he’ll be using the “excuse” of you having slept with his mate as his (nonsensical) justification. I’d put money on it.

Bezalelle · 19/01/2019 08:31

You deserve better than this caveman, OP.

magoria · 19/01/2019 08:39

He went on holiday with OW. How the hell else would they coincidentally be in same holiday destination at same time, unblock her, find her at same place and meet up?

On your money.

You were split up and didn't know you would get back togehter (why the hell did you?)

Accept zero from him. Tell him no more.

And FFS dump his cheating arse and get a STI test. Of course the had sex.

rookiemere · 19/01/2019 08:39

Wow he sounds like a prince OP. I particularly like the bit where you paid for him to go on a stag do where he cheated on you.
Seriously just block him and I'd recommend not going out with one of his mates. Get yourself a different circle of friends, boost your self esteem and stay away from him.

NotANotMan · 19/01/2019 08:41

Are you back with him?!
If not, block him and get on with your life.
If yes, give your head a wobble

SaveKevin · 19/01/2019 08:50

What other posters said. She just happened to be in Benidorm at the same time, which was also the exact time he decided to block her.
Did they just kiss?
That’s the least of it.

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