Feeling lonely trapped and scared

[Jw1013]

Hi all ive made a seperate account for this post.. so I want to begin with this my partner and I have been together almost 10 years now we have two beautiful boys who are sadly in care of a family member because of this so about 4 year ago my partner started drinking behind my back (i didnt know this for almost a year) aswell of the alcohol he consumed infront of me he would go into the garage or out for walks with bottles of spirit's, he became very violent and my eldest son 3/4 at the time saw the violence towards me and the house, social services got involved and there was an ongoing case we ended up splitting up and he moved out it was this time when i found lots of empty bottles and found out about the secret drinking during the time apart I was extremley depressed and was living in a womans refuge untill the kids were taken from me. After about 8 months of him not letting me get on with my life and playing mind tricks and making me feel as of nobody else wanted me and trying to kill himself I ended up getting back with my partner (bad idea I know) so we were living together again with the drinking still happening im asuming the violence got worse and he ended up spending a very short time in prison due to something he did to me and my family phoning the police I felt as if I couldnt leave him with this being my fault he ended up in there in the first place, I lost the majority of my weight during this time I didnt go to court to give evidence and he was released from court. We ended up moving into a new house and the drinking stopped all together for a few months at this time there was no violence at all and we were getting back on track to try get the boys back, we needed and extra bedroom so we moved again into the current property we are in a year ago next month all was fine at first untill around August or maybie sooner when the violence started again assuming he was back to his old tricks again a started snooping and my instinct was right as I have found empty spirit bottles and receipts made into tiny balls I have questioned him about this but his denied it all. The violence and name calling these past few months has been worse then before I havent told anyone about this untill we were drinking together 2 weeks ago and he went out with the dog and came back wanting more alcohol he lost it and basicly beat the hell out of me and tried to suffocate me infront of my next door neighbour then ran, the police were called who came and begged me for a statement for hours but I was afraid to give them one because of threats ive had if I do send him back to prison, after this incident he has told me he doest love me and its my fault for the way i go on why he is horrible, he doesnt even need to have had a drink to call me names anymore I now feel like im walking on eggshells around him trying not to upset him if I ask him not to drink he says im trying to controll im not im just scared of the behaviour in drink. He has threatened to kill me but i dont think he would. I dont even know why I have said all of this i have nobody else to talk to I almost deleted it all reading it back. (Can I please just say this isnt everyday some days its just a normal relationship but if im cheeky I get all the names under the sun aswell of threats) I know I need to leave but I am scared to do this. He has been through alot of trauma in his life and has me thinking these things are the reason for his behavior. He doesnt act as if there is anything wrong with the relationship at all. Has anybody else been through this? Does it get better?

No it doesn’t get any better. It gets worse and worse and worse. You need to leave him now and focus on getting your children back. You have repeatedly shown social services that you prioritise a violent drunk adult man over your children and you will never get them back while you continue to do that.

I’m not being harsh I was in a situation where SS looks at our family after my ex H became violent with me in front of my children. He was a drunk too. I got him out that very day and there was no further SS involvement because I showed them that I put my kids first. You have to do that. Why do you think that you aren’t? Ask yourself why you keep putting him over them?

no it doesn't get better and you'll never get your children back whilst with this vile creature.

I'm sure other MN's will be along shortly with more support and insight.

Becareful and look after you first and foremost

It has only got worse so far, hasn’t it?? Only he knows how far he will go in the future. Please contact Women’s Aid and take any help you can get from anyone and everyone to leave him for good. Including the police.
It’s not your fault he is battering you. He chooses to do it.
He will make every excuse under the sun for why he does it but in the end it’s him choosing to do it.
Leave. It’s the only way for things to get better.

Thankyou I dont think you are being harsh at all just thankyous for reading and replying in the first place. I dont know why I cant honestly. He has said that he will kill himself and make sure the boys know the reason he is dead (meaning ive killed him) and theyll hate me for it or maybie im just too soft and just keep making up excuses

What saddens me the most is you have had your children removed from your care over him.
He will kill you.
I’m sorry you are so traumatised.
You can go back to a refuge.
Your life is in danger.
Do you see your children at all.
It’s tragic.
You need to leave. He won’t change.

I do see my children yes I forgot to add that I spend almost everyday with them and he sees them almost everyday when he finishes work they just arent allowed to live with us, and the violence isnt battering me he usually kicks my legs (and places that people wont see) and pushes and shoves and pulls me about by my hair its the odd occasion where ive had black eyes and fat lips like the incident two weeks ago he just calls me fat (im 7st2 and underweight for my age and height I might add) ugly and other heart breaking names I wont get into details and says horrible threatening things. It isnt everyday this behavior and we are just a normal couple to everyone else.

when the violence started again

You and your children are worth way way more than this

Get rid of him and start the process of getting YOUR children back

Wow, you prefer this vile man over your children! Only advice I have is to leave him and fight for your children. But I doubt you will do that as you seem to like the drama of it all.

This is the fist time I have posted or told anyone any of this

Please leave him. For good.

The most chilling part of your post is where you wrote that you don’t think he would kill you. Are you sure? Women die every day in the UK at the hands of men like that.

NONE of his behaviour is your fault. You are NOT responsible for any of it. You could be the most annoying, whining, uninteresting person in the world (I bet you aren’t any of these things) and it still wouldn’t be your fault.

ALL abusive men are sometimes fine and sometimes the relationship feels normal. That is part of how they keep you hooked.

You need to get yourself sorted out and get your beautiful boys back. This will NEVER happen as long as you stay with him.

I found your post utterly heartbreaking. Please please please wake up. You are wasting your precious life.

You have said that you don't think that he would kill you. However, what the hell do you think would have happened if your neighbour hadn't intervened?
If you want your kids back you need to be alive for that to happen.

@Jx1013 thank you for having the courage to share your story with us.

Please listen to the other posters on here.

You are in serious danger as long as you stay with this man.

You will never get your kids back if you stay with this man.

His threats to kill himself are emotional blackmail to keep you in line.

Please, please PLEASE call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 (24 hour helpline). They can help you start to make a plan.

Talk to your family.

The fact you've opened up to us here I think means you want something to change. You can do this. This is your first tiny step towards freedom.

‘This is your first tiny step towards freedom.’
This is so true. Keep talking OP. We are listening.

Oh sweetheart, you don't deserve any of this. I'm so sorry you are being made to suffer so much at the hands of this violent, despicable creature. He has to be locked up, he's truly evil.

He is only threatening to kill himself (he is using this to manipulate you), but if you stay with him, there is every chance he could end up killing you.

Please listen to all the advice on the thread, you need help and giving a statement to the police is the first place to start.

Can only urge you to get rid you have already lost your kids because of your living environment don’t really n ie what it will take fir you to realise you deserve better.

Do u have a drink problem yourself?

It really doesn't get better OP, I think you really need to just wash your hands of him and focus on getting your boys back!

I was in a relationship not nearly as bad, but a lot of arguing, name calling and violence from time to time (just from him) and the whole 5 yrs, I was always told by him that he'd change but never ever did. It always got worse. Best thing I did was leave him, and now I'm in a loving relationship with a lovely little boy and another on the way.

The grass is greener, I promise!

Your children won’t hate you if he was to kill himself (although this is probably just a vile threat)

But they will grow up hating you if stay with this man, meaning they can’t get their mum back and have to stay in care.

I watched my mum go through hell with my dad. He cheated on her countless times, even had kids with other women behind her back. He beat the absolute shit out of her countless times, and I mean he would leave her black and blue from head to toe, sometimes she was barely able to walk after a beating, but she never called the police on him (I guess so SS wouldn’t get involved) and stayed with him till I was 18 then finally had the guts to leave him. Although I have a good relationship with my mum, I totally resent her for not getting away from him sooner. Why did she have to wait until we (me & my siblings) were adults? My childhood would have been so much happier without him in it. Your children should always come first and if you don’t get rid of this vile, abusive creature, you’re going to lose them forever. Your children need to come first.

My “dad” is now a lonely old man who I haven’t spoken to in almost 20 years. And when my mum finally broke the cycle of abuse, she was so much happier. As were we. We had to go through the whole women’s refuge thing and all of the other horrible stuff but everything always works itself out in the end, I promise. You really need to get out of this now and not give this horrible man another thought.

Its heartbreaking reading you explaining how he only kicks you, only bruises you where others can't see, hardly ever gives you black eyes.

You're describing absolutely appalling violence.

He will definitely kill you.

Its really sad you've chosen someone who hates you this much, over your precious children. You'd think the children would be more important to you...? Are you not that fond of them, do you prefer him?

You need to get away from him. You need to cooperate with the police. Although in suppose if he's more important to you than your children, you never will.

I also wondered that @Adora10.
Do you have problems with alcohol op?
Not judging at all

Thankyou all for your messages.. I dont have a problem with alcohol no but its a way I feel as if i can stand upto him so its always worse if ive drank aswell, I only drink the alcohol we have in the house because the way I see it the more I drink the less HE has available to drink (if that makes sense) I haven't drank since the fight on the 4th though and before that was christmas day. I have been in contact with woman's aid previously thats how SS originally got involved. The violence towards me is from time to time also the name calling and violence towards the house is near enough everyday now. I dont prefer him no im just scared he will turn the boys against me they are really fond of him (you could even say they idolise him). When we broke up previously he would phone constantly all day every day, (i even changed my number but he got the new one some how) he used to walk up and down my street (sometimes with a anon mask on) and he new exactly where I was and what I was doing I think he had other people (friends, family neighbours) watching me too he wouldn't leave me alone honestly. His behavior is worse then as it is now so he will do this again. He acts as if there is nothing wrong with the relationship at all. He has said his moving out a number of times but it just doesn't happen.

After you have ended this relationship (which you will, because you really have no other choice in order to keep living and to get your children back), if he has your number you can block him. If he harasses you in any way you tell the police. You get a non-molestation order or something. If you are concerned that people are spying on you, ignore them. You have nothing to hide. Log everything he does to make your life difficult once he’s gone, and report him for it. Every single time. Do not allow him to get away with his bullying and intimidation tactics. The law is on your side if you would only let it help you. He is nothing. A nobody. Of course you’d boys idolise him - that’s natural. But once you have him out of your life he has his own choices to make with regards to the children - whether to try and be a good father to them or not (that is if SS will allow him to see them) And those choices are his, not yours. If he chooses to not be in their life, well frankly they are better off without him. It isn’t your fault. You don’t have to protect him any more. Be free.

One day (soon, blink and you will miss it) your boys are going to be grown up. They will judge both their parents then for their actions. They will see their dad for who he is - not a super hero, not a role model, not S loving and stable parent - but a sad, alcoholic bully who abused their mother and caused them to have to live with other people.

How do you want them to judge your actions?

I've read lots of different sites on what steps to take I understand that if he knows Im planning on leaving life will just get harder. I've been trying to find somewhere to live (other than a refuge). Though it would be easier for me and my furbabies if he would go instead I dont think thats going to happen anytime soon.

He won't kill himself, he's just threatening that to keep you under his control. And at the risk of sounding harsh what would you miss if he did? It doesn't sound like he brings anything positive to your or your children's lives. Please get out of this relationship and get your kids back. My mum chose an abusive partner over her children and I'm still dealing with the repercussions

Run. A refuge may be safer, it sounds like you will have to hide. It doesn't sound like he should have contact with children. Is their carer able to stand up to him?
You will not get kids back unless you prove you can protect them, best way is to protect yourself. Don't be blackmailed or brainwashed by him, leave an don't look back, go no contact. Get some help op.