He wants another chance...

[rockstarchick]

Everyone we argue which is often my partner leaves. Then it's like he doesn't want to come back...this was Sunday. We don't live together but he stays a lot and his stuff his here. My lo was back from her dads Sunday and she's close to him. I asked him to come back and least make things normal for her - she's asking where he is so have said work. But it's not fair. It's how Thursday and he hasn't made any effort to come back other than the off text and saying how is my lo and can he take her to school one morning? We've been together 4 years and we can't get through a month without an argument
He won't come back until he is ready
It's like he is sulking
He will only come back on his terms
In the past it can be days
Last month it was 9 days!
But by then I get to the point where I don't want to talk so we end it, I end up blocking and he then wants to know
My friends say I have to break the cycle but I'm struggling

None of which any will tolerate him

Now it's time for YOU to not tolerate him, either.

Being alone is better than this. Aside from being physically violent, he's pretty much covered every square on the bullshit bingo card I'm metaphorically holding. And no, you don't want to win the prize in that game.

It's a head fuck that when it's good it's all I want and that's what I'm mourning
I know it's sounds like I'm weak but we argue because I do say when I think he is being unreasonable
He's very huffy and puffy with me and when we 1st spoke when we split, I did block as I told myself if he does this in 2019 I would know. 13 days in and here we go so he emailed me saying please can we talk so when I unblocked so he could call he wasn't sorry at all! Spent the first 10 mins saying how I made him feel that way.....then wasn't as sorry as I thought he would be ! So I know I've done the right thing and have gone from feeling guilt and sad to a lot better xx

Easier said than done but I’d recommend walking away for good and never taking him back. It’s deapicable that he call you a ‘c*’ because he can’t get his own way, that’s just unneccessary.

I’ve been on your shoes; boyfriend who kept coming and going and was actually ping ponging between me and another woman (although since splitting up I’ve realised there were a good few more shudders. Just like your ex he would tell me exactly what I wanted to hear, there’d be crocodile tears, gifts in abundance and lots of future faking (elopement, moving in etc.) He was like a drug to me but after many years of repeated abuse I managed to kick the habit and now that I’m out of it I can see that I was bitterly unhappy with him. I’m in a normal relationship which just feels right. It took me many years to get here but I feel free now that I’m away from him. The trick was NC.

I think once they realise you’re willing to go back they start stretching the boundaries and their treatment gets progressively worse.

Walking away may just be the hardest thing you ever do in your life but it’ll be the best decision you ever made.

Yes that's what I feel I need to do.
It's been a long time coming and I can't keep waiting for things to change
My lo will be ok. She will be ok because I'll be ok. Thing is she misses him of course but it's heartbreaking seeing her confused as to why he isn't coming over anymore
She's 7 and lucky that she understands enough
I've told her he's had to go to work away for a bit and because we argued ( she's knows and isn't silly) then we won't see him at the moment
They did talk on the phone as I wanted her to think we left it at friends which we certainly haven't
She has a dad and see him every other weekend and it's nice and amicable with him..we split when she was 20 months so knows no different so as much as she has her dad my ex was still part of her life and was hands on so I do feel heartbroken for her
I've told her to take each day as it comes and I've planned a really lovely weekend for her
When we went shopping I bought her an expensive toy I couldn't afford and her face when I said she could have it ! Said it was brush's is working so hard at school and then when I said we can have dinner on the sofa again she was so happy
As we always eat at the table so it is the little things and I can spend some time making sure she is ok
What else can I do to make sure she is ok? I hope I'm doing the right things
Any suggestions would be great
Obviously I don't speak bad of him and I try to be happy as I can
When she catches me looking sad she asks if I'm ok and I say of course I was just thinking of something fun and change the subject. It's so important for her to not see me sad x

Oh OP my heart was breaking reading your last post. You sound like a wonderful mum and are doing a fantastic job with your daughter. It’s good that her dad is around but I know it must be hard not having your ex around when she has become so attached. It will get easier though and you’re doing as much as you can for her. All she needs is your love and she will be fine.

I had a baby with my ex (he left during the pregnancy the bastard) and not a day goes by where I don’t feel guilt towards my daughter for choosing him as her biological father. I have a lot of self loathing regarding that but all we can do is be there for them every step of the way and shower them with love.

not a day goes by where I don’t feel guilt towards my daughter for choosing him as her biological father

That in itself is heartbreaking. If you hadn't she wouldn't be her. She's perfect as she is, I'm sure. You're doing your best and you care otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. Cut yourself a break and release yourself from that guilt. I'd take being loved and wanted as a child over fitting the normal family unit ideals.

So...he limits your time on the computer, you have to keep your phone on silent and you aren't able to text when he's around.

Is this the type of relationship you'd want for your DD?

Seriously get out of this.
Go through the heartbreak of a breakup it will be so worth it, you will move on & meet someone lovely. So one big hit of pain will be over & you & your lo will have a life of peace.

Aww thank you. Guilt is a horrible thing isn't it? Not sure I had so much before coming a mum!
Yes pp you need to let the guilt go...thank god she has a lovely mum like you. Walking away when pregnant, how shitty?!
Wow I feel so much better then I did - I cried after putting lo to bed.
I have a day with my sister tomorrow and a whole weekend with my family. So I will try my best to unwind as much as I can and not think too much. Even if he does contact me I will not reply
Difference is he is always unobtainable and I hardly ever miss a call or I text back straight away
Not this time
5 days now and it's almost like the hard bit done. Not saying it will be easy but like someone else said, I've broken free, he isn't here, none of his stuff is here, I've told him to leave me alone so if he chooses to ignore - what's it my mum always says
He can't have an argument with himself..
' Your silence says it all '
I will post again thank you everyone for being so supportive xxx

You can't change his him and what he is doing (particularly if it has been going on for so long). But you can change your response to him. You and you dc deserve so much better than this.

My little one has just cuddled to i me and said she misses him...
God I'm so sad for her !
What do I do ?!

I said I know darling I don't too but we can't keep going round in circles
She looked so sad
I tried to let her talk a min or so then almost brushed it off
This pain....it's killing me if I'm honest
I'm doing my hardest to keep busy, NC still, planned as much as I can for my days off with lo but it hurts...hurts like hell
X

God he sounds like bloody hard work. I don't know how you can be bothered with him.

Have you heard the old saying the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Or how about fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?

You can't change him and if you think you can after so many repeats then you're deluding yourself. The only thing you can change is how you respond. Keep falling for his promises and he'll keep doing what he does. Your child will get over it in time if you permanently cut him out but frankly I think your using her as an excuse to avoid acknowledging and adressing your own weakness.

You really need some tough talking OP, he's in, he's out, all the while your daughter is learning that this is how adults behave, it's so far normal I can't even begin.....it's pretty much abuse of your child and sorry but you are both doing it by playing this stupid game of his where he goes and comes back and get you back in control; you keep saying she is your priority but yet you continually put him before her.

Yeah she will be sad for a bit but she will definitely get over him, quicker than you think as well and won't have a confused mind and even fucked up idea of what relationships are about when she gets older.

I really hope you get rid this time and stop this stupid carry on, he can't do it if you don't let him in!

And your little one is probably sad because you are moping about and she is used to this on a regular basis, try putting a smile on your face and putting ALL your focus on her and having fun together, try forgetting about that arsehole that thinks it's ok to mess up your kid's head!

What an absolute piece of work...

Think about it like this - If your daughter came to you as an adult and said she was being treated like this what would you say?
Remember you are modelling her future interactions with men.

With the above in mind I will answer your question - The absolute best thing you can do for her is to cut this man from your life once and for all. Consistency and stability are the only missing ingredients here, both of which can be achieved by getting rid.

Don't feel guilty for the past you can't change that but you CAN change the future.

You know you can survive, you've done it before; you just need to recognise the crocodile tears when you see them and harden your shell.

Never gift your empathy to those who seek to abuse it...

Good luck

You have to be the adult making the right choice. She is 7, she hasn't a clue. You have to show her how good people relate to each other and your ex isn't doing it. Stay strong, stay non contact, deepen your ties to people that have your interests at heart. Not him!

Adora10 what a horrible response !
Some of the content of the last few posts too....
I'm NOT moping ! I'm doing the complete opposite
I'm hurting over a break up of 9 days may I add and the last thing I need is a reminder of what mistakes I know I've made
Of course she misses him, and of course I do. The good times not the bad times. I have blocked this person from my life and yes I'm finding it hard
I've come here for support not for horrible comments

Close and pog, thank you yes I agree with you.
I am trying and this is exactly what I'm doing
She is my priority to the poster who said she wasn't

Please get out of this relationship, do the Freedom Programme, and take a long break from relationships.

Prioritise your DC - you have let her down throughout this awful relationship by tolerating terrible treatment and staying with someone who treats you both like this. Ending it will likely reduce the risks to her of choosing similar relationships.

I have got out?
I've blocked and haven't spoke to him?

If she was truly a higher priority to you than your boyfriend you would have ditched him a long time ago. He may be good to her, when there, but she has no security in her relationship with him, and observes you both as role models for relationships. Not too late to change things.

I have not been horrible, I have been truthful OP, you are in a cycle of doing the same thing over and over again

It;'s not normal to break up with someone every month or even just argue to the point he keeps leaving.

Tbh; it's trauma and it's needless, I just think you have normalised it because you are so used to living like this now.

You don't have to heed my advice one bit.

Adora10 read your wording
It's is horrible
You assumed I'm moping
I'm not
But like you say I don't have to take your advice as you didn't take mine