I’m 44...

[raiders148]

...and just found out I’m pregnant. About 5 weeks. My bf of 2 months (!!) is 35 and said previously that he wanted kids ‘at some point’ but that was in reference to why we couldn’t be together (which obviously changed a few months later).

I have a 22 yr old and 17 yr old already.

He has an important exam tomorrow but I’m telling him after. I’m terrified that this will finish the relationship. I’m in love with him but I have no clue how he feels.

And a baby at 44?!? How?! And should I?! And I’ve just literally got my freedom back after raising my two (totally awesome) kids for 22 years, mainly on my own.

But there’s a part of me... that wants to be looked after and to look after someone else. Somebody at home. I’ve been on my own for so long.

My head says NO! This can’t work and that I will end up on my own again. But I already feel protective of my mini bean, I take a test every morning (still in denial) and I want it to be positive. It makes no sense. I’m so confused.

Any advice would be very welcome.

It sounds like you want to keep the baby. I think you would be happy to keep it if he was too right? What if he isn't ? How would you feel? Think about all this before you talk to him.

What does your head say? specially since you'll be raising this potential baby as a single mum?

Sounds like you do want it so I am going to say congratulations.

You aren’t too old and if you do end up on your own you won’t actually be alone as they’ll be a little bean keeping you company.

I couldn't do it again I'm 40 and enjoying some independence again now my dd is 11.
Plus wouldn't want to do it on my oend again it's Lonley and hard work.

Gosh - that must have been a hell of a shock!

Realistically, though, I think you need to plan for doing this alone: how you'll afford it etc Your boyfriend may or may not be on board: after 2 months, it's hard to know for sure. If he is on board, there's no way of knowing if he'll be there until the child reaches adulthood, so by planning how things will work if you are alone, you will know the worst case scenario.

I am also 44, though without children. I know I would not be able to manage. But you have done it before, know some of what you are letting yourself in for, and will be much better placed to know how you are likely to cope - or not.

You're going to be well into your 60s before you have full freedom again if you do it. So ascertain how much you want to travel alone or do stuff like that first while you have years on your side

I couldn’t do it. But, good luck

Congratulations!!!!

I had one at 44 - a bit of a surprise. Uneventful pregnancy and birth. No worse than the older ones - actually easier because there were more "hands on" people around. I was far calmer and laid back than I was when I was in my twenties and in many ways enjoyed the baby more.

At 35 he needs to grow up a bit if he thinks he might like kids "at some point". That's my key observation.

But it sounds like you want it. I'd go for it. As you know, it's early days and at 44 the risk of mc is high.

I’d wait till there is a heartbeat before telling him.
Isn’t that something like 1/5ths of all early pregnancies don’t progress - and at your age it’s higher risk?
You can get an early scan to listen for a heartbeat at 7-8 weeks.
Then it becomes more real.

I think that he may well step up to the plate (you mention he wants kids). He's 35 not 21, he must be thinking about fatherhood.

It'll be hard only two months into a relationship though, lots of prsssure. Communication and mutual support will be key.

Luckily, your other kids are grown so your time and attention won't be split a million ways. And they may be keen to help.

Congrats !!

I'm not saying this to be mean or worry you unnecessarily, but having had 2 unsuccessful pregnancies in my early 40s - after having children in my 30s - the chances of a sustainable pregnancy are much lower at your age. 5 weeks is very early, so in the nicest possible way, don't get your hopes up too much.

My dc are 22, 17, 16, 3 & 10 mths.
I’m 43
It’s doable. It’s more fun as I’m far more relaxed and experienced.
But the best bit of all is seeing how the older children are with the babies. It’s so heart warming. I definately don’t expect my older children to pitch in or babysit. They just get involved because they want to. It’s a massive help to me, as they have so many pairs of eyes on them and plenty of interaction without any conflict etc.

Trust your dp. So many of us felt we were ready for kids but the reality of having them was an absolute shock, slap round the chops

If your dp thinks of you as you do of him, you can make the upcoming decisions together. Fortunately he has 7 mths to get his head around it.
Be prepared for his shocked face . But it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s against the idea. Some guys panic as they worry about providing etc. They can put pressure on themselves.

If he’s up for the idea, he’s got a head start with you as you are already really experienced.
44 is no age nowadays. The hospital will tell you that. They scan you more regularly though which I thought was great.
Be patient with him if it takes him a bit of time to digest the surprise.
Congratulations

44 and pregnant?

I am 47 (with teen DC by XH) and told DP there was no chance of me becoming pg because I was too old.

I can completely sympathise with your confusion, though. I suppose I think it's fate at play, whatever happens. Good luck, whatever the outcome may be.

Congratulations. I have quite a few friends who have had 2nd/3rd children in the 40s when they have older children. All of these mums seem so sensible, calm and grounded about it all as they've seen it all before.
I hope it works out well for you.

Congrats! My sister just had her 2nd child in her 40’s. It probably comes as a shock tbf but it could also be the best thing that as happened. Don’t make rash decisions .. your partner may just surprise you and get on board with the journey you may embark on. I am ever the optimist but yeah .. 🌷

It's doable!

I had a baby last month, it wasn't a surprise pregnancy it was an OMG pregnancy, I'm 45 almost 46.

Being older doesn't mean you will have a difficult pregnancy, mine was straight forward. Being over 40 means you will have consultant led care rather than midwife (assuming you're in the UK), you will have more checks ups, more scans I had scans at 12, 20, 28, 32, 36 weeks and you have to deliver by 40 weeks. Your age isn't the primary factor to how healthy you will be in pregnancy, it's how healthy you are and how well you look after yourself. And you're not treated any differently, you're not flagged up as old. I have three children, I had mine at 42, 43 and 45 and received brilliant care from the NHS with each. Having a baby in your 40's isn't unusual now.

I hope all goes well for you - Good Luck!

It's totally understandable that you'd feel emotionally attached to the prospect of pregnancy and another baby. You know it's, likely to be your last chance to be a mum and it feels like a little miracle to hang on to... But you will also be seeing things through roses tints.

You are probably imagining you new boyfriend happy at the news, wanting to commit to you and asking to move in together, finding out that you are perfectly compatible, there is nothing kept on the closet, money isn't an issue, pregnancy goes perfectly, you give both with no complication to a beautiful healthy baby and you live happy forever together.

Maybe, but the reality is that this scenario is sadly the least likely, so you need to consider the alternatives. Could you cope being a single mum and him wanting nothing to do with you or your baby? He could be happy when you tell him but then decide its not what he wants in 3 months, 12 months, 2 years... What if your baby is born with a disability, severely premature, with health issues?

You need to tell him but he prepared for him to suggest an abortion and if he does, don't assume he is being unreasonable. He'll be taking a view with his head rather than maybe his, heart. You really need to do both.

Were you using contraception? I'm just wandering if it will come as a shock if he knew you were having unprotected sex. I couldn't do it again once I'd had the freedom back but good luck with whatever you decide.

So.. I told him and he was lovely about it. I was so nervous. He initially said he would support me with whatever decision I made but after talking for a while we decided it was reckless to bring a child into such a new relationship etc. So I said I would sort an abortion. I think he was relieved.

I’m going abroad for the next week and then we have a long event the weekend after that so I think I’m going to have to wait until the week after that to do it. The problem is, that’s fine with me as although it makes perfect sense to me to not have this baby, I feel like I don’t want to get rid of it.

I can’t explain it.. it’s like I just want to keep it with me for a bit?!? That makes no sense. Normally I’m the sort of person that has to sort things out immediately. But with this.. it’s like.. I’ll just look after it for a while.

My head is a mess :-(

Thank you for all your advice. Felt so alone and weird this week x

You poor thing what a difficult situation. You feelings make perfect sense. Why don't you book the appointment as you would have done and then use the time you have to work out how you feel. You don't have to go to the appointment if you change your mind.

That's really sad, I think it sounds like you will regret aborting it