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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can't I stop taking this person back?

35 replies

ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 17:44

I'm 38 and he's 50. He's been married before and so have I. But his daughter doesn't speak to him.

Basically, in the last year we have broken up and got back together about 5 times. Every time he comes back saying this time it will be different. He loves me and he wants us to have a future etc. And that the reason he ended it last time was because he wasn't over a situation, or he was stressed about work or something else or something else.

We have about 2-3 months of him telling me how much he loves me and texting me all the time, talking about us living together in the future.

Then he suddenly gets annoyed with me about something and ends it. This time it's because he moved about 2 hours away from me (his choice and he is now also a long way from his mum and son) and we don't see each other enough apparently and I don't make enough effort to see him. I have a full time job as a spa therapist so when I'm not working I'm resting and I also have a daughter who lives in Derby in an autism specific school so whenever I'm off I'm visiting her.

I reminded him that he's messed me around repeatedly and that he's out of order and he said us getting back together was all my responsibility and that I kissed him (not true). He told me he loves me repeatedly and then always turns on me. He apparently sees nothing wrong with how he has behaved.

I know that this is a waste of my life and I've blocked him and told him never to contact me again. But he starts coming to my work to find me, emails etc.

I know that he will continue like this probably forever so why do I fall for his BS of it will be different this time?

OP posts:
TeaByTheSeaside · 17/01/2019 17:49

It's not what a person says it's how they act that tells you what they think of you.

Ask yourself Does he act like someone who loves you and wants to be with you?

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 18:02

Yes I do agree. But he always fools me. He's very into planning nice weekends away for me and him to show he loves me 🙄. But he clearly couldn't care less about my feelings. He doesn't care about anyone except himself.

Why won't he leave me alone?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 17/01/2019 18:14

Why won't he leave me alone?

Because your actions have shown him that he just needs to pester you a bit and he'll wear you down, sooner rather than later.

You sound like you don't realise that you don't actually have to go along with it every time he comes back, being nice for just long enough to get his feet back under the table. He sounds dreadful - immature, self-centred and really quite abusive.

Tell him to do one but mean it this time!

NotTheFordType · 17/01/2019 18:17

Why won't he leave me alone?

2 reasons.

  1. When you get back together he gets sex
  2. He;s using you as emotional supply; "Look this woman is chasing after me! I'm totally desirable!"

The more pertinent question is "Why do you fall for his bullshit, and why haven't you blocked him"?

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 18:35

He's not doing it for sex - I had to coax him into bed for months whist he mused over whether he was 'ready'

OP posts:
Original poster
ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 18:36

I have blocked him this time. But yes I agree he probably is narcissistic and needs attention.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/01/2019 18:43

I think the drama of these on/off relationships can become addictive.

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 19:05

I do wonder that because he never just wants to end things he always want to meet up and talk about it.

OP posts:
allaboutHR · 17/01/2019 19:30

'Avoidant Attachment'?

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 19:34

He was married for 18 years but his wife chucked him out because he cheated on her with a prostitute. So he's obviously destructive in how he conducts relationships

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 17/01/2019 20:20

He's probably still seeing prostitutes.

He sounds vile on many levels.

Be glad he's gone!

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 20:30

The problem is that over time I forget how awful he was. I forget some of the shit he did.

Last time we were together he accused me of giving him a STI and we both got tested and neither of us had anything. He was demanding an apology.

OP posts:
loolooskip · 17/01/2019 20:35

Last time we were together he accused me of giving him a STI and we both got tested and neither of us had anything. He was demanding an apology.

I smell bullshit. Or rather a man that's worried he's given you something.

He cheated on his wife with a prostitute? That would have been an instant goodbye from me, what on Earth are you doing with this vile man?

Value yourself more highly and find a nice man that doesn't fuck you about and play mind games. Or be single.

MrsTommyBanks · 17/01/2019 20:36

Write a list of every shitty thing he has done or said to you. In red ink in capital letters. Underline it all three times.
Next time he does his I love you bollocks read the list, and think about everything on it.
You are worth more than being his Marc supply.

MrsTommyBanks · 17/01/2019 20:37

Narc not Marc.

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 20:38

I know it's awful. He didn't tell me about the prostitute until way into the relationship. I'm autistic so I get confused easily about my feelings. He's never done anything but confuse me. This time though I'm determined not to let him worm his way back in. The stupid thing is that I turned down decent good looking men for him. I need to get out of this abusive cycle.

OP posts:
loolooskip · 17/01/2019 20:44

Next time you feel like he's trying to confuse you post it exactly as he's said on here.

I've found this place a great sounding board for when I've been unsure.

GreenTulips · 17/01/2019 20:52

Get a note pad
Write it all down
Look at it
Make a decision not to got there again

Have a look at your OP - how many times did you type ‘he/his/him?

What about I’m unhappy when? I don’t want to travel? I don’t see why I should make the effort when

You make it all about him as well - have you been conditioned to do so?

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 20:58

Probably 😢

OP posts:
Sj325 · 17/01/2019 21:13

When he contacts you again tell him you’ve moved on and met someone else. He sounds like a total narcissist.

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 17/01/2019 21:38

I wish I’d never met him honestly. It’s time to move on.

OP posts:
flowerswouldbelovely · 18/01/2019 08:19

Sounds like he is enjoying the drama of it all. You need to protect yourself and move on. This isn't going to give you happiness in the long run and will really damage your self esteem.

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 18/01/2019 09:28

Yes I think he does enjoy the drama. He always says 'I know you're hurting but I'm hurting too'

I always end up with no understanding of what has happened. This time I'm more angry than sad. Angry that I was taken in again.

OP posts:
DiaryofWimpyMumm · 18/01/2019 17:08

Try keep him blocked this time, you deserve so much better.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/01/2019 17:11

Last time we were together he accused me of giving him a STI and we both got tested and neither of us had anything. He was demanding an apology

He's a pig!!! Get some self respect.

Glad you have blocked him. You're only 38, you can do much better than him!

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