How to move on from infatuation with married colleague

[PhillipaLalla]

Hi all, I am a regular here but I have NCed for this thread. I'd love to hear some words of advice from you wise mumsnetters!

I am dealing with a major, reciprocated infatuation at work with a married colleague. He has kids. We have been vaguely knowing each other for several months, but we really talked-talked for the first time around a month ago. 5 minutes into our first proper conversation at the pub, and it was so obvious that you could cut the attraction with a knife. Nothing at all happened that night.

A week later we went out again with colleagues, and we spent the whole evening talking and we eventually had drunken a kiss. Well, many drunken kisses actually.

Since then we both deleted each other's number and we agreed that a kiss can never happen again, this is wrong, we must stay away from each other. He said he he is confused with the way he feels, he has never felt this way about a woman, can't stop thinking about me, I am so amazing and yada yada.

So we are not in touch in any way, we are not going for drinks with other colleagues, we are not spending any time together, we cut it off completely. However I can see he looks at me in the office when he thinks I can't see it. Every time we accidentally bump into each other around the office, we try to keep a poker face but I don't think it works very well. I think we look like two silly teenagers, which is why we avoid each other as much as we can.

This is just awful. I hate the way I feel, I hate this situation. I can't think of anything else. I need to get him out of my head pronto. I need to forget this has ever happened. I genuinely don't want to act on this attraction ever again.

Please share your advice on how to move on from this type of situation

Thanks!

Hopeful bump

Think of his wife.

have you posted about this before

Yawn

Grow up. Both of you.

So much to mess up here OP.

In reality you don't know each other at all.

He's a dick for doing what he's doing while he's married! How can you be attracted to him?!

Think about his negatives as much as you can: hairy toes, sagging old pants, the fact that he's thinking about cheating on his wife and is that kind of guy.

Look at this way, you're interacting with a married man with children. He's an utter, utter loser for entertaining any of this but you're just as bad because you think this is unique to you. It isn't.

He's bored
You're convenient and clearly insecure enough to register it and act upon it.
You are both very, very selfish blah blah blah.

When at some point you do grow up and you find someone special (single!!) and have an actual grown up relationship/marriage with him maybe even create life with him, hope with all your might that he doesn't at some point meet in the future, a girl who is this 2019 version of you.

Think about what your behaviour says about you. You're accountable for you.

Seriously, one of you needs to change department or get a new job.
You have behaved appallingly - just imagine how his wife would feel if she found out.

It sounds a bit obsessive and it is difficult to stop obsessing. There may be sexual tension but if you were to sleep together he would probably resent you and ignore you after and even fear you in case you tell his wife. Can you do some online dating instead to take your mind off him and have some fun while you're at it?

Get a new job

"He's a dick for doing what he's doing while he's married!...
He's an utter, utter loser for entertaining any of this "

Yet he stopped it going beyond that kiss. He deleted her number and stopped contacting her. I get the impression he could have slept with her if he wanted, but seems to be making an effort to let it go no further.

"Get a new job"

Ideally, yes.

I know its easy when your single and you meet someone who is married who likes you, to think there must be a reason for this. It was meant to happen!

But its just not true! Even if you both did hook up again, it will not last. It never does. You will be really hurt, his wife if she find out and he will go back to his family when he is done with you. Try to imagine him on his wedding day, waiting before his bride walks down the aisle, his speech, first dance, the moment he engaged her! Think about the other person in this and ask yourself if its worse it. Stop caring what he does and gain some self respect.

Hi OP, this rings a bell, I think you've just had a name change haven't you?
He is stepping back. You sound like you don't actually want that despite what you say. If cold turkey isn't working because of the office stares then it's job change time, sorry.

This scenario is on here all the time. Is it the same person?

His poor wife.

Grow up and leave him alone.

he has never felt this way about a woman, can't stop thinking about me, I am so amazing and yada yada.

But this is bullshit you know? You've had 1 5 minute convo and 1 drunken evening. It's not real life. Wake up dear.

Keep avoiding each other and try to find a new love interest.

Stop thinking about him. Avoid him as much as possible.

Don't post threads reminiscing about your time together - I'm not being facetious in saying this; I genuinely think people with an obsession make it worse by posting these detailed threads analysing the obsession and their interactions with its object, and all it does is serve to fuel it.

You must put him out of your mind - when you start thinking about him, think about something else instead. He will stray back into your mind, so you have to keep on and on doing this.

Im in your situation right now. Scarily like my story.
We went a walk the other day and said we cant go any further. The only way we are gonna get past this is not talking to eachother. No contact. No looking.
Dont go any further....i have fell madly in love with the guy and im in so much pain but i cant hurt our children by going any further and potentially ruining lives.
I told my dh everything. People at work have found out. Nothing good will come of it...you wont end up together and live a happy life. It feels fantastic at the time but its like an addiction. Think hard. No judgement from me....i understand.

People saying this is a repeat post, well I op I hope you listen to that, it's not unique. It happens all the time. Did he say his wife doesn't understand him like you? That things have been stale or bad for a while? That they sleep in separate beds? That you're unique? Cliche after cliche because it happens so much.

How do you move on, I don't know I've not been in in this siuation but I'd say you have free will and can make choices? No-one has a gun to your head? You're not a teenager at the mercy of your emotions? Avoid lunches together and nights out and talking about anything not about work. Look into why your self esteem is so low that you would cross a boundary like this (not saying he's not in the wrong too) with someone.

Every time you see him and get that feeling, imagine it's your husband with some woman at work?

Remember that anyone who would cheat on their wife and all the subsequent hurt and damage that would do to their DC is no great catch. Think of the pain and hurt it would cause for a fling with someone he hardly knows. Also despite what he says there is a good chance he has done this before.

OP, calm down. This isn't some star-crossed love affair -- people develop crushes on colleagues all the time. The only reason this one has become so pressing is that it happens to be mutual and neither of you has any self-control when you drink, and it got distinctly tawdry. Drunken slobbering at work drinks isn't exactly Romeo and Juliet, is it?

It will pass of its own accord if you stop feeding it internal dramatics and stick to your resolve to have absolutely no contact whatsoever. Ideally, you find a new job, but it won't last anyway.

Are you single? Then just don't bother. I wrote a whole post thinking you were also married. Honestly - it will create mayhem. Just don't go there. Go have sex with a few single men to take your mind off it. Or ask.yourself a few qs about why you are attracted to the unavailable. Probably some good stuff to take to counselling there.

The rest is on him really - he needs to refocus on.his marriage, analyse his motives etc, but that's not your business or concern.

Short answer: go have sex with a few other men

he has never felt this way about a woman

Think about that logically. He loved another woman enough to marry her and start a family. You really think he feels more strongly about someone he's had a few snogs with? It's designed to flatter you but it's bullshit. If you want to get over him think about what happens if this all comes out. Gossip at work, distressed wife chucking him out, his kids despising you and him resenting you for it. Nobody is going to wave you off into the sunset, it will be a massive mess.