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Original poster

Can/should I stay married to a friend?

33 replies

Bostin · 16/01/2019 19:49

I posted before about this but my DH and I do not have sex. He lost interest and would never instigate and eventually I stopped trying. I think he would actually like to fix this now but I have stored up resentment from years of rejection.

He is also devoted to his work, which is great except I always come second to it. It is very important to him and that obviously makes a great impact on family life in that we are comfortably off but I have to do a lot of stuff to allow him to work long hours. He also will forget things that are important to me/not be interested in my life as he is so focused on work.

However we get on great, have a laugh and he is a good dad to the kids. He’ll happily rush home to see them before starting work again at home. He’ll do stuff with them when he is here.

I feel like I am married to a friend. I am not being badly treated, just overlooked. Is this enough to sustain a marriage for the rest of my life?

OP posts:
AliceRR · 16/01/2019 19:51

But OP if he would like to fix this now then it sounds like there is a chance of you not being just friends. It sounds like your choices are to have a sexless marriage or actually try to work on things

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/01/2019 19:52

Wouldn’t be enough for me. And it’s not a great example to your children I don’t think.

If he’s a great dad he’ll continue to be a great dad and hopefully a good coparent if you stop being married.

Original poster
Bostin · 16/01/2019 20:21

You are right Alice but I need to work out how to let go of the fact that I resent him for rejecting me for the best part of 2 years. It’s taken the thought of losing me to get him to the point of wanting to try. Me asking him to make more effort over the years was not enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bostin · 16/01/2019 20:34

10 years! Not 2

OP posts:
AliceRR · 16/01/2019 21:59

Would you consider counselling?

I’m not saying you should let go of your resentment just that your post almost comes across as if your only option is to continue in a sexless marriage as your husband isn’t interested but then you say he wants to try on that front so you have three options (broadly speaking): continue as you are, try to get the intimacy back or leave

Eminado · 16/01/2019 22:04

Resentment is awful and eats at you from the inside out; it makes you reactive and / or not able to move on and/or let things go.

I am sorry he took you for granted until it got to this point.

Can you talk to someone about it? First alone and then find a way to tell him just how badly he has fucked up as i doubt he has any real idea?

starzig · 16/01/2019 22:33

To me a good and happy relationship is more important than sex. If you enjoy your life together there is no need to run out and divorce.

CosmicComet · 16/01/2019 22:36

I’d probably stick it out until the kids leave home.

Ribbonsonabox · 16/01/2019 22:44

Can you do something like have a weekend away together without children? Promise each other you will give it your best shot at paying attention to each other and being romantic for the duration? Maybe plan some things to do together which you could bond over?
If you are both putting in the effort with it I do think theres a chance at reconnecting. You obviously loved one another at some point.... maybe you've just lost the goodwill and focus that a marriage needs... both of you have to be on the same page to get anywhere though....
I think at least give it a try. It doesn't sound from your post that either of you have actually completely given up on things.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 16/01/2019 22:47

I would go to counselling on your own. Figure out what went wrong and what you want now.

Original poster
Bostin · 16/01/2019 23:16

This is all helpful advice thank you

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 17/01/2019 06:13

How old are the kids? If small, I would say split. If older, exam age, hang on a bit.

SandysMam · 17/01/2019 06:19

I would hang on in there for the kids but find a life of your own as if you were single. New hobbies, sort your appearance out if it needs it, head out with friends more often. You may find that in itself is enough to wake him up but if not, your kids remain happy and hopefully you will find some happiness i life too.

Original poster
Bostin · 17/01/2019 07:14

That’s part of the problem SandysMam, I have built a social life/support network outside of my marriage and am very happy with it. My husband works and I am doing my own thing.

Kids are under 10.

I exercise daily and am happy with my appearance.

OP posts:
Antiquevintageandrusty · 17/01/2019 07:17

sort your appearance out if it needs it

Flipping heck, what has that got to do with it!

babba2014 · 17/01/2019 08:21

10 years?! Was there any intimacy or just a bit here and there? How bad was it?

Also are you sure there wasn't OW otherwise why would he be interested after all this time all of a sudden?

Original poster
Bostin · 17/01/2019 08:52

So a combination of things I think over 10 years...I went up a dress size (but was never overweight), 2 small children, his working so much. Sex happened if I instigated it which I did less and less until I stopped 3 years ago. We still kissed and cuddled.

He knows I am having second thoughts about us which is why he is keen to rekindle things. I worry it’s too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bostin · 17/01/2019 08:53

He denies OW. I had suspicions at one point he was attracted to someone else but could find no evidence.

OP posts:
babba2014 · 17/01/2019 09:05

Going up a dress size will barely make a difference. Especially when living with that person.
He is probably very clever at hiding things hence you didn't find anything. I know lots of Mumsnet men are not so clever but there are those who are very good at it.

Honestly he could have made an effort 2 years ago or a year ago. I see why your resentment has built. It's not a couple of months thing. 3 years of you not instigating is a long time for him to not even try.

Do you do the washing/cooking/cleaning etc? Is he worried that you won't be there to do it so he needs to keep you there for that? I don't want to make assumptions hence the questions.

OnlineAlienator · 17/01/2019 09:14

I dont see a lot wrong with pkatonic coparenting to provide a stable, happy home for your children? I would want my partner to be aware that this was now 'the deal' though and discuss what exactly that meant to each, i wouldnt want to just 'fall into' it and risk confusion later down the line, particularly re: extramarital sex.

Original poster
Bostin · 17/01/2019 09:14

I do majority of housework and admin. I work part time but he will get involved when he is here and not working. We Did talk about how we fix our relationship and household stuff came up, this is one area where he has made an effort which I am grateful for. But the long hours of working haven’t changed. This week he completely forgot it was my dead mothers birthday which upset me. If I had reminded him he would have bought me flowers.
He won’t retain information relating to kids, so what times things start etc. and I struggle with being responsible for the mental load.
When I brought up our future he said he was worried about only seeing kids at weekend (nothing about me). I just think I am way down his list of priorities but he denies it.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 17/01/2019 09:18

To be honest, it doesn't sound like he's a friend. It sounds like he's a nice dad, but a pretty rubbish friend who doesn't think about you very much.

Original poster
Bostin · 17/01/2019 09:22

He’s very generous and will treat me, buy me stuff. But I suppose I want a bit more attention and thought from him. Material stuff is less important.

OP posts:
DontBiteYourSisterPlease · 17/01/2019 09:26

Wow. Every word of your posts could have been written by me. I'm riding things out a bit while the kids are really small (they are tiny) and just trying to live a happy harmonious life while we get them through the baby/toddler years. Once we have a little more time to invest in 'us' I'm going to try counselling, one on one time etc. I don't know exactly what the outcome is going to be but I don't think I can be married to a friend in, say 10 years time. I feel like someone on the face of this earth has to find me incredibly sexy and want to ravage me Blush yes DH loves me but it's like a sister. And yy to the forgetting things. I didn't even get anything for my birthday this year because he was away with work Sad

If you want to have a go at saving your marriage and trying to ease the resentment would you try counselling? It's worth a shot if you think there is something worth saving. Might at least open up some communication between you.

FleeceDetective · 17/01/2019 09:31

Is he self employed? I think that would have a bearing on if I stuck with it or not.

The trouble is op is he’s going to want to find sex/love from somewhere.