Can/should I stay married to a friend?

[Bostin]

I posted before about this but my DH and I do not have sex. He lost interest and would never instigate and eventually I stopped trying. I think he would actually like to fix this now but I have stored up resentment from years of rejection.

He is also devoted to his work, which is great except I always come second to it. It is very important to him and that obviously makes a great impact on family life in that we are comfortably off but I have to do a lot of stuff to allow him to work long hours. He also will forget things that are important to me/not be interested in my life as he is so focused on work.

However we get on great, have a laugh and he is a good dad to the kids. He’ll happily rush home to see them before starting work again at home. He’ll do stuff with them when he is here.

I feel like I am married to a friend. I am not being badly treated, just overlooked. Is this enough to sustain a marriage for the rest of my life?

Material stuff is less important.
Totally unimportant.
I stayed with mine. Didn't win any prizes for it.

When you brought up your future he said nothing about you. I think it speaks volumes.

Listen to that OP

I think to make a relationship work you do have to listen to one another's needs. Especially if nothing has happened to affect moods etc.
It's not fair on you that when it's on his terms he can change and not when you need him.

I think you can see what his true intentions are by testing the waters. Ask him to reduce his hours at work so you can be an actual family. Ask him why he didn't want intimacy all these years. Basically have a real heart to heart with no filters. If you don't feel satisfied by the end of it then you will have the true answer.

I also think this post could have been written by me, but my husband doesn’t have the excuse of work. I would say we went to couples therapy for a year and only stopped as I have just had another child.. it took nearly a year for the resentment on my side to subside enough for that act to happen ( and a boat load of booze) and pregnancy was not a planned outcome... I am not sure if the resentment has fully gone... but i will say, both parties need to be fully engaged in the process... it’s bloody hard work and you can easily fall back into old patterns. We are not fixed by a long shot and having another child has only added to the strain but also I am less angry by the situation thanks to therapy and maybe once things have settled down we will be able to re engage.

Good luck OP

I feel less alone to think I’m not the only one in this situation.

He admits he fancies me more slimmer but says he still fancied when I was less slim (I don’t believe him). But he says this is not why he stopped instigating sex and has not admitted the reason why.

He’s not self employed. Ambitious and conscientious (at work).

We tried couples counselling but didn’t gel with the person. We are supposed to be pursuing it separately. I see someone and find it immensely helpful. He has yet to pursue it.

The rapport with a counsellor is the most important thing. I'd suggest looking for another one, and switching to a different person immediately if you don't feel comfortable from the first session.

Last time I looked them up on the internet and chose them based on their photo, and my gut feeling as to whether we'd get on. We did. Maybe as I'd already convinced myself we would - but whatever, it worked.