DH doesn't fancy me anymore. What do I do?

[TempNameChange16]

Hi everyone - name changed as I feel humiliated by this, so don't want friends and family who are on mumsnet and might know my username to see.

DH and I have been together for almost four years, married for 18 months. I'm 40 and he's 39, and the last year has been difficult as we had a stressful house move and unsuccessful IVF.

Things are stable now and we're happy in spite of not being able to have kids etc. But our sex life has dwindled to nothing. We both have an appetite as when we've talked we've both admitted to using porn as a masturbation aid so I don't think it's anything physical. In the beginning our sex life was great - I could tell he found me incredibly attractive and I loved that; it made me feel great about myself and our relationship.

We've talked about the issue quite a few times and he insists he thinks I'm pretty etc., he just doesn't feel "that" way towards me anymore. It's the old cliché of feeling like brother and sister. He doesn't get hard when I cuddle up to him naked, he doesn't seem to think I look sexy when I'm dressed up to go out (no wolf whistles or flirty stuff from him - ever) and I just know in my heart that he doesn't fancy me anymore. He's admitted that he doesn't feel the inclination towards me anymore but doesn't know why.

I've tried coming on to him; I've tried backing off completely so that there's no pressure on him, I've tried buying sexy underwear and putting it in a little gift bag, and asking him to keep it and give it to me when he's horny and I'll dress up for him - it's been three months and in spite of a couple of teasing reminders, he's never handed me the bag.

I think I have to accept now that it's decision time - do I stay in a marriage where I don't feel desired, fancied, loved in a sexual way? Or, given that everything else is great (friendship, fun, responsibilities etc.) accept that you can't have it all?

It's so sad and hurtful to know that your husband doesn't find you sexy anymore. I feel so down about it - I just want some physical intimacy and to feel loved and special.

You are only 40. Would you want this for another 40 years?

Maybe the IVF took the romance out of things. Would he try counselling?
Maybe he can't deal with not having kids and is pushing you away purposely so any split would be your decision.

Oh lovey, thats no way to live. I didn't want to read and run, so I'll offer a perspective while you wait for someone with a bit more experience.
Now i'm no expert but the first thing that stood out to me is the fact you two were trying for a baby.
Do you think his lack of interest in sex could stem from this issue?

If it helps, I know a fair few men who would admit to masturbating out of boredom or neccessity to ease tension etc basically not always because they're horny.

Do you think he may be suffering from depression?
Would he speak to a GP or councellor?

I understand it is very frustrating for you.
I wouldnt tell you to LTB based on the info you've given regarding the relationship, but I do think he is being very selfish by choosing to ignore this issue.
If he isnt willing to fix it then I would consider giving an ultimatum.
You should sit him down and explain that as you are happy with all other aspects of the relationship. It is very important that you two get to the bottom of this or you might need to call it a day (Thats up to you whether you would actually go through with ending things, but it may put the fear in him and you'll know where you stand)

xx

I think the thing that concerns me more is that your DH is not doing anything about it. Why is it all your problem to work on your sex life?!
I would do anything to make my marriage work, what is your DH doing? Is he trying to recreate the romance or is it just tough luck that he doesn’t fancy you anymore?

Could he be depressed? When I’m depressed I completely can’t even entertain the idea of sex or intimacy and don’t particularly fancy DH when I’m like that.

If you think he could be then I’d sit I’m down and tell him that he either goes to the doctor and tries to sort things out or you break up.

There’s a difference between using porn and having sex with somebody you love. One requires no emotional input and the other does. One requires no interaction and the other does. This might be specific to you or to any woman.

I would not rule out psychological or psychiatric causes to him not wanting to initiate sex or being stimulated by an actual person. However he needs to see that he has a problem and his solution to the problem may be not the one you want. It might be worth another conversation but I think you need to be open and honest that you want to separate if he doesn’t try.

Thank you all for your very kind responses.

I don't want to lose sight of the fact that we love each other very much, and sometimes I think I'm being self-absorbed and juvenile; like I should be extremely grateful for what I have instead of bemoaning the flaws.

I don't think he's depressed - but then, what do I know; maybe it's something I should broach with him. We've talked about the lack of sex a few times though - I don't think there's anything he feels he couldn't tell me, and we're both pretty emotionally intelligent/self-aware and can usually figure out what's going on in other areas of our lives and emotions.

We went to about three sessions of counselling but it wasn't a great experience - neither of us felt that even if we kept going that it would slowly start to help. The counsellor just kept putting her head to one side and making sympathetic noises, it was useless.

The IVF was tough, but this started before all that. I think the reason I've let it carry on so long is because I used the IVF as an excuse for our lack of intimacy. It's only since we decided to take a break for a few months before the next cycle that I've had to admit that it's not the meds/process/stress etc.

This may come across as harsh and I apologize before hand. You've been together for 4 years and you said in the beginning the sex was great but over time it dwindled. Looking at the time line from your post:
together 30 months then married for 18 more months total of 4 years roughly. Were you living together before you were married? Was the sex great during all of those 30 months? I ask these questions because I have an idea of what is going on, but I would like a little more information before throwing out an theory. In any case he owes you more of an explanation for the I love you but I don't love you like that. In my opinion he needs to share the why or the how come behind it.

He loves you like a sister.
Please don't settle so young.
This will be your life for the next 30+ years.
Don't do that to yourself.
You deserve better and you know it.
This will get worse and not better.
You'll become of shell of yourself.
Totally not worth it for a 'man'!!!!

It's absolutely soul destroying to be in a sexless marriage. Do you really want to not have sex ever again? The longer you put up with this, the harder it's going to be to leave. Has he had long term relationships before?

We moved in together about a year into our relationship, @toddman70 - and I wouldn't say the sex was "great" but he definitely desired me, he would initiate sex regularly (as would I), and I felt it was a good, healthy sexual relationship. I felt that he loved me and loved my body - I knew this because he'd say so, and it made me feel so good. I felt so, so lucky.

And I still do, it's just that the sexual component is missing now.

@hellsbellsmelons - yes, I agree, he loves me like a sister or best friend.

Yes, he's had long-term relationships before, @trulybadlydeeply - he was engaged a few years before he met me (she left him and he suspects there was someone else; she really hurt him badly and I think she was "the one" for him) and he had a long-term relationship at uni which lasted for a couple of years after.

How long was he with "the one"? It is entirely possible this is a pattern he repeats. Pretends to be sexually attracted and have sex to be 'normal' and establish a relationship. Then slowly that need to 'deceive' dissipates as he feels more secure. Have you asked him about his attraction to and sex life with his other relationships? Or did he feel that he needed to prove to himself that he was over 'the one' by throwing himself into a sex life with you? And getting married would certainly make he feel secure so he didn't need to pretend any more.

However it goes, it seems odd that he just stopped 'fancying' you and simply stopped sex. You have only been married a short time and are far too young to commit to a marraige of 'friendship'. Already you are bending over backwards to fix this, and getting nowhere. Your self esteem is going to plummet if you stay.

This can't be fixed by you alone and he doesn't sound like he wants to fix it. The I don't fancy you seems like an excuse to me. Most men would happily have some sex if it was offered on a plate in nice undies by a woman they didn't really fancy.

You don't have a husband, you have a housemate that you happen to be good friends with. Can you live with that? I couldn't, even if it meant losing that friendship!

move on and find someone else. No point being with someone not into you. It will zap your confidence.

There was a few years gap between me and the ex - around eight years, I think - and he had a few short-term relationships in that time, but nothing serious. I don't think this has anything to do with his ex . . . at least, it doesn't feel like it.

We're definitely housemates and friends rather than a husband and wife, though. And I'm not sure I can live with it because I agree that not only will my self-esteem suffer but I completely miss being physically close to my partner too.

He's away for work at the minute but I've told him we need to talk (again) when he gets back. I think he's sad too - I'm pretty sure he'd love to fancy his own wife too.

You said something that struck a chord with me, @Thingsdogetbetter - about men happily having sex with someone they don't really fancy if they are wearing nice undies or whatever. That has been niggling at me. The fact that he's watching porn in preference to having a real live woman - me! - makes me feel sick. Surely I'm better than having no physical outlet at all?

Do you know what sort of porn he uses? That may hint as to his sexual feelings.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, nobody would want to be with somebody who turns them down then goes off and wanks to porn...

Counselling won't change anything, you can't talk someone into desire.

I would put money on this pattern occurring in his relationships. Maybe he has a bit of a Madonna whore complex going on, or hes just one of those people that wants to play out the same moves over and over just with someone/something new...(yawn)

Either way I think you deserve to be desired and have great sex, especially as you put on so much effort into being sexy and making things fun etc.

Ask him for your underwear back so you can wear it for yourself, I would feel so humiliated if someone rejected me like that.

If I felt the way you do I would be sitting down with my husband and asking him what splitting up looks like. Not being desired by my husband would crush my soul eventually and that's no way to live.

Have you read about madonna/whore complex? That might fit. If you don't have kids, it's easier to split if you aren't happy and don't see the situation improving.

It's crap isn't it? I'm in a similar position except I'm 52. We've been together 17 years, married for 13 and have 4 DC.

Jeez. Googled the Madonna-whore complex. I really hope that's not at play here!

A little bit of it rang true though - "where such men love, they have no desire". Yup.

I love him. If we split up, I may never find someone with his good qualities - of which there are many - again.

Sorry, op I didn't mean that the way it obviously came across. I meant that there is something wrong with HIM. Not that you are unfanciable to him! But that he has issues that no one would make him want sex regardless of the undies, availability or circumstances. This is HIS issue. He prefers the release of porn to being with an actual person. That's nothing to do with you. He basically pretended at the beginning now he has reverted to his preference.

However, like a pp says I'd be very interested in what kind of porn he's watching: fetish, gay etc?!

His good qualities are that of a normal human being! There are millions of men out there who are normal, loving, caring, respectful and humorous human beings. Without his issues!! And you certainly won't find one while this one is dragging you down!

Could he be interested in someone else?

You are sure there is no other woman on the scene. I only ask as you said he works away and has opportunity.
I would feel rejected too and it’s no way to live.
Does he want children really.
You have not been together very long and unless you have turned in Shreks wife overnight I would be confused.

I can't be sure there isn't someone else, but I don't think there is. You're right, it would be very easy for him, he stays away from home at least one or two nights a week and he's always on his phone (which I have no access to as it's finger-print locked and I don't want to go down that road anyway) but I believe he's too good a person to deceive me like that. At least, I hope he is.