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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend going for secret lunches at work

70 replies

katy78 · 16/01/2019 13:35

I’m 29 my boyfriend is 32. My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years, living together 3 years, no marriage or kids. My boyfriend works mainly with women and frequently tells me about things related to them or if he’s been for lunch with one or more of them. No issues from me. He also used to have a good female friend that he had lunches with at his old job. Again no issue.

Around November I noticed he was checking out repeatedly a random girl online. Didn’t say anything but decided I would monitor everything. I noticed he was repeatedly searching for this girl on Instagram and on the web. Turns out she works with him but he’s never ever mentioned her. She’s single and 28. She has never private messaged him and they don’t have each other’s phone numbers. But I found the frequent stalking weird so decided to confront him today.

Turns out they have been going for lunches alone together twice a week for two months and have been on a few walks together during work. He says he gets on really well with her but claims he doesn’t have feelings for her. He can’t explain why he’s never ever mentioned her name, let alone the lunches when he tells me about other women he is friends with and lunches with. He cannot explain the stalking just says he doesn’t know.

How do I move forward

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 17/01/2019 10:55

Your poor thing. I am so sorry. Will be so difficult I know but you will feel so much better in the long-run

Lauren08 · 17/01/2019 12:48

Oh hun I really feel for you but you are young & have so much time to meet someone new settle down & have a family.
As much as this hurts it’s best you have found out now rather then wasting your years with him especially if he doesn’t appreciate or deserve you. X

MsDogLady · 17/01/2019 21:06

Katy, how are you doing?

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/01/2019 21:16

You are being so brave, you're making absolutely the right decision. I did similar at 29 years old and am happily married with two kids now, don't be scared to strike out alone.

Original poster

katy78 · 18/01/2019 12:09

I’m doing really badly. He keeps saying now he doesn’t have feelings for her, I was just saying it over and over again to him he thought he must have but said now he doesn’t. Has basically just blamed it all on me - that he didn’t tell me because I would have been jealous.
I’m broken, I can’t imagine my life without him or being with anyone else. I haven’t looked at anyone else for 8 years. I just cannot stop crying. I know time will heal but it’s hard to see that right now, especially when we have to figure out what to do with the house. The bank says it will charge us £2800 penalty to sell now before the end of the fixed rate. We are only half way through our renovations and it will be months before it would be sold so I feel I can’t just make a clean break. He phoned me last night but for some cruel reason my phone must have glitched because it came up as my friend’s number so I answered and it was him!! I have no idea how or why that happened. But he just basically said it was all down to him predicting it would make me jealous.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/01/2019 12:15

But he just basically said it was all down to him predicting it would make me jealous

I'm sorry my love but this is bollox, and I'm pretty sure deep down you know it. He got caught. That's all. And now he's frantically trying to back peddle.

He hasn't even apologised for being a twat, just blamed it all on you.

Areshole.

Of course you're upset. Please try and get to being angry. You SHOULD be angry at him and his behaviour.

The £2,800 is neither here nor there in the bigger scheme of things. What matters is your wellbeing and your happiness. And I'm sorry, but you won't find it with this idiot.

It's fine to cry and be upset, but please realised what a near miss you've had. At least you're not married to him.

Ragnarhairybreetches · 18/01/2019 12:15

So sorry you're going through this. He has told you about other work colleagues though hasn't he so why would he think this one would make you jealous? Unless of course he knew this one was a bit different for him?
Try Shirley Glasses. Not Just Friends. It's very good for showing how boundaries can get blurred.

halfwitpicker · 18/01/2019 12:27

But he just basically said it was all down to him predicting it would make me jealous.

Right. Yeah. It's YOUR fault, op.

As a pp said, the £2800 is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things.

safetyfreak · 18/01/2019 12:34

What about the part where he said he didn't know if he ever wanted to marry or have kids with you? Combine that with the girl, yeah it is not looking good.

All I can say is dont waste any more of your time with someone unwilling to commit to you. He has also shown he can be disloyal with another woman.

At your age, you do not want to waste more years with a man who is not sure about you.

Whisky2014 · 18/01/2019 12:40

Please don't believe him. This wasn't caused by your jealousy this is all in his making.
He also doesn't sound panicked your relationship is on the rocks...
Says it all to me. You will be ok. Also someone may by your house mid restoration...it's not an excuse to stay with him.

ProbablyNotMyRealName · 18/01/2019 14:56

It’s not your fault, do not let him turn it round and blame you.

MsDogLady · 18/01/2019 16:26

He is cheating on you. End of. Do not allow him to deflect the blame onto you. He has already tried denial and minimizing. Cheater’s Script.

I recall your other threads. You have known for a while that he is not as committed as you are, and that “he will never want to get married or have kids.”

Last year he was going on day-long 1:1 cycling dates with another female colleague who was sending him flirty texts. You expressed discomfort at his continuing to have day-outs with her, but he downplayed and minimized. He said that you must trust him. Rich.

He is not admitting betrayal or showing great remorse. He wants to blame you. He wants you to sweep this because he doesn’t like the inconvenience of commuting from his mother’s.

He keeps showing you who he really is. Surely you are done with him.

ImNotKitten · 18/01/2019 16:39

You are still so young - young enough to meet someone who wants the same things as you, marriage and children. Don’t waste another second on someone who won’t commit to the same future that you’d like.

Original poster

katy78 · 18/01/2019 17:12

Yes he says that is part of the reason why he never told me because I was jealous of that other colleague and cried hysterically when he went for a cup of tea with her. I’ve currently got him blocked so he can’t contact me and just trying to get through hour by hour. I don’t know why but breakups always hit me so hard, it feels like I’m grieving a death. I can’t bear to be in our house so we have both gone back to be with our parents over the weekend. I don’t know what will happen after that. It will be unbearable to live in the house together in separate rooms until it is sold but I think he will refuse to continue to live back at his dads and do this hour commute.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 18/01/2019 17:37

DO NOT take the blame Katy. He is gaslighting you by attempting to link his current betrayal to your reaction to his previous dodgy behavior.

He WAS showing interest in that that woman last year, and you had every right to be upset about that. Don’t let him use it against you.

You know now that he will always be untrustworthy. Move forward. You have the opportunity to find a good man who shares your values.

SandyY2K · 18/01/2019 17:38

He's not apologetic and he's now blaming you because you'd be jealous.

What exactly where they discussing on these lunches...anyway..it doesn't matter.

8 years in and it wasn't heading anywhere. He's a timewaster.

MsDogLady · 18/01/2019 18:03

It is ridiculous that he is trying to worm his way out of this by saying it is your fault.... that he didn’t mention this latest ‘friendship’ because of your previous jealousy. A red herring to put you on the back foot.

The real issue is that he does NOT have platonic feelings for her. He has been obsessively stalking her on social media!

Petalflowers · 18/01/2019 18:09

Sorry to hear the outcome. Two lunches a week, definitely an emotional relationship, even if he didn’t realise what it was.

Wishing you all,the best.

tallwivglasses · 18/01/2019 18:32

Oh Katy, stay strong. You're 30 and have your best years ahead of you. You were young when you got together. Find out who you are. One day you'll barely remember him

PerceptionIsReality · 18/01/2019 19:48

I could have written almost your exact posts 14 years ago. I was one month off my 30th birthday and devastated.

He sounds like a right tool. Gaslighting, minimising prick who is dithering about his commitment to you and clearly has no boundaries or respect for you.

I had a lick my wounds year, then an amazing free and single year that I’d missed out on in my 20’s then a calm settled year at the end of which I met my now DH. 11 years and three kids on from that and I wouldn’t change a thing.

You have so much better ahead of you!

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