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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend going for secret lunches at work

70 replies

katy78 · 16/01/2019 13:35

I’m 29 my boyfriend is 32. My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years, living together 3 years, no marriage or kids. My boyfriend works mainly with women and frequently tells me about things related to them or if he’s been for lunch with one or more of them. No issues from me. He also used to have a good female friend that he had lunches with at his old job. Again no issue.

Around November I noticed he was checking out repeatedly a random girl online. Didn’t say anything but decided I would monitor everything. I noticed he was repeatedly searching for this girl on Instagram and on the web. Turns out she works with him but he’s never ever mentioned her. She’s single and 28. She has never private messaged him and they don’t have each other’s phone numbers. But I found the frequent stalking weird so decided to confront him today.

Turns out they have been going for lunches alone together twice a week for two months and have been on a few walks together during work. He says he gets on really well with her but claims he doesn’t have feelings for her. He can’t explain why he’s never ever mentioned her name, let alone the lunches when he tells me about other women he is friends with and lunches with. He cannot explain the stalking just says he doesn’t know.

How do I move forward

OP posts:

Adora10 · 16/01/2019 17:15

If not an affair, it's still sneaky and deceitful even if he has not acted on his feelings; everyone else in work will know and I also guarantee there will be email correspondence, whatsapp, messenger etc, they are all easily deleted.

Orange6904 · 16/01/2019 17:53

Yeah sorry op this is how it started off with my ex at work cheating. Does she know he's in a long term relationship?

toffeeapple123 · 16/01/2019 17:59

Do you know much about her? Is she single/in a relationship? I wouldn't be going on walks or lunches with a guy I wasn't interested in. But that's just me.

potatoscone · 16/01/2019 18:05

How do you come to notice repeated searches on someone else's social media?

Bluestripeddress · 16/01/2019 18:24

They don’t have each other’s phone numbers? Yeah right!

Katgurl · 16/01/2019 21:16

Oh op im so sorry but at the very very least he fancies her.

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/01/2019 21:45

Hes clearly infactuated with her...

What a douche

user1479305498 · 16/01/2019 23:25

You know all those women who like posting on here on limerence and their crushes they think they can have fun with whilst having a partner, well this is how it looks and feels when your partner gets wind. Just saying. OP, I've been there, it's horrible, you feel like a booby prize. If you want the relationship then come out guns blazing now, it's deceptive and disrespectful to you

AgentJohnson · 16/01/2019 23:32

He knows but rather you didn’t.

MsDogLady · 17/01/2019 01:35

Katy, your partner is having an Emotional Affair with this woman. He has been ’secretly channeling emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than his partner.’ An Emotional Affair is cheating and he feels entitled to betray you.

He does know that he fancies her and has feelings for her. He is obsessed with her, as you have witnessed. They have had at least 16 secret dates and who knows what else. Don’t be naive. He is lying and minimizing. They do have a way to message, talk and do whatever they want.

Since he is acting like a single man, I would make him one.

LaughingCow99 · 17/01/2019 04:13

It most definitely is affair, an emotional one. We don't know if they have crossed the line into physical. I'd be curious about his phone and if that's clean, I'd question if he has a second one. He seems besotted with her and I would imagine he would be wanting contact when away from work.

I'm sorry he has done this to you. It's unforgivable keeping this from you. He is definitely attracted to her and that's why she has remained a secret.

Original poster

katy78 · 17/01/2019 04:58

Thank you everyone. I’m in pieces, have had no sleep and feel totally worthless. I made him leave the house and go and stay with family, so will be doing 1h10 commute there and then back instead of the 10mins from our house. I know he will be back as all his stuff is here but I can’t face it. At the same time the idea of being alone makes me feel so awful all I can see is black. I am going to contact the bank to find out what the penalty is for selling a house with a year left on a fixed-rate contract. I feel so isolated we live in a rural area where it’s just families and old people. I’ve been with him since I was 22 and the idea of being alone as I now turn 30 is extremely daunting and scary.

OP posts:

MintyT · 17/01/2019 05:03

Have I missed something. Talk it over, you don't have to end it because of lunch's.

Original poster

katy78 · 17/01/2019 05:06

He’s admitted he has feelings for her now, although not exactly, just sort of said he must have feelings to have done all this but he doesn’t think he has feelings. This is a final nail in the coffin for me. I want to get married and have kids some day and he is unable to tell me when he will be ready for those things, or if he ever will be ready. I just have to pick my self-respect up from off the floor, as clearly he doesn’t respect me to have done this.

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 17/01/2019 05:12

Pack his shit in black bags and get rid of him! He is a cheating liar! Take back the power. Dump him FIRST!

WatchingFromTheSidelines · 17/01/2019 05:12

Oh Katy this is not fair. I feel so sorry for you. He has had his head turned and treated you badly.

Is there any way you could take in a boarder/roommate to cover costs for a while? This shouldn't cost you financially on top of everything else.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are still so very young. This man did not treat you the way you deserve and would not give you a happy life.

Anytime · 17/01/2019 05:13

I just wanted to say, that you WILL be fine however this works out. Talk again with him in a day or so.

Kittykat93 · 17/01/2019 05:21

Yeah it's pretty obvious he has a huge crush on her. And if she likes him too,there's plenty of opportunity for something to develop, what with their secret lunches and walks.

I couldn't live every day worrying when my husband was at work, wondering what he was doing. It's no way to live.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/01/2019 05:41

I’m glad you have the self care and esteem to put a red line under his behaviour. You mentioned no kids so I’m imagining perhaps you want to have a child. Statistically you have 6 more years of good fertility. Don’t waste them on someone not ready to fully commit to you.

LaughingCow99 · 17/01/2019 05:48

Yes it's terrifying, but you will get through this as we all do.

He's not the man you thought he was. That will be the man you miss and feel lonely for. He has turned out to be a terrible disappointment. Looking at it that way may help.

You are young, time to be single and enjoy your life on your own for a while. It will take a while, but you will get there.

This man betrayed you. You deserve better. Now you have the opportunity to get that.

CountFosco · 17/01/2019 05:59

A similar situation happened at my work but the woman who was in your position only found out when she started to work for our company. There was a big scandal when people had found out and it has lowered the respect people had for her boyfriend (he's a senior manager). But she is generally viewed to have had a lucky escape and a year later is dating a new bloke.

So be glad you've found out now when it's relatively easy to make a clean break.

MsDogLady · 17/01/2019 06:10

Katy, I am very sorry for your devastation. He has broken his fidelity and abused your trust.

His betrayal aside, it does sound like your life goals are incompatible. You want marriage and children and he is unsure. After eight years, he has proven himself to be unworthy of your love and devotion.

Katy, you sound like a strong woman who insists on being treated with respect. That will serve you well in life. This is a cruel blow, but you will move through it and be much better off.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/01/2019 06:57

Everything @MsDogLady says

AnyFucker · 17/01/2019 06:58

Time to move on, love

He has told you how it is. As soon as she gives him the green light, he will be there. If it hasn't happened already because of course he will be minimising.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 07:08

8 years and no plans to marry speak volumes.....when that's what you want.

Don't waste any more time on him. He knows he fancies her... he wants to protect your feelings by not coming clean.

They could be messaging each other and delete the messages.

They will have had intimate conversations on these walls and other colleagues will have noticed.

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