will this work for them ?

[higgyhog]

He is over 70, married for 38 years with grown up children. She is 54, a single parent and devastatingly attractive (obviously not me). He has some of the problems that come with old age and poor health but is a reasonably attractive man. She has never been married, has not been able to maintain a relationship and her chidren's father left her when they were small. They are having an affair in the town where both of them live and say they love each other. She doesn't want to live with him and he is telling her he will tell his wife and arrange to live alone. They have been creeping about with this relationship for 3 years, he lies to his wife about going away rambling at weekends and goes off with her. What will happen to them?

If he is going to tell his wife and live alone he should just bloody well get on with it rather than waiting for guarantees from the OW while his wife washes his pants in the meantime.

It is no longer my problem as I'm in therapy after discovering that he was two timing us both for the whole 3 years. I feel quite sad about the situation as I thought he was my friend (lets forget about the rest) but I can't see a happy ending for them and just want some second opinions on whether I am being unkind in these views or if it an objective reality.

so you were also having an affair with him Higgyhog?

'fraid so. All ended now and sorting my head out at huge expense.

I think you posted before? I'm sorry it became a mess. I think you need to leave them to sort their mess and just concentrate on getting your health back.

Yes, difficult though. I don't desire revenge in any of the usual ways, I just want to know no happiness will come out of it.

Oh wow a man in his 70's thinking he's "living the life"! Glad you've extracted from the drama, as long as he's married, it won't work for the side chic no matter how much he professes his love to her.
Get your head sorted, there'll be someone out there for you when you're ready to date again. X

Its going to end in tears and he will be left alone in his older years.
Suggests the wife takes as much money as possible when she finds out.
You are well rid.

Oh..
I remember the thread.

Look, being an AP has certain downsides and one of them is realising that if they can cheat with you, they may be cheating with others.

Let it go. Not your circus. Find someone new and move on

It ended terribly. I told him there was no way I would carry on seeing him after his lies and duplicity. He asked if he could meet me for coffee and a good bye lunch which I agreed to. Then she showed up. First she looked amazing, all legs and blonde hair and 10 years younger than me, very elegant all in black and there was me in my vintage tea dress feeling yuch. Then they insisted on telling me how much they loved each other and she said she was going to help him tell his wife (!!!!) And then they both said they would destroy my life if I told anyone - which I would not do anyway. I was really traumatised by this but at least it made it very clear to me that despite my strong feelings of friendship towards him for all this time he was just a weakwilled lying shit. I feel much better now. i have started some evening classes doing a skill I had when I was younger, spent a fortune on beauty treatments and new clothes and feel I'm the only one of the 3 or 4 of us (however you look at that) that has any genuine happiness in their life. Still hope he has a miserable old age though!

Men, annoying little shites.

I have just ended things with someone who suddenly realised he didn't actually want to cheat in his wife - fair enough but perhaps a decision he could have made a lot earlier and I'm sensing his judgment that I've said fine, but i do need to find someone new.

They don't know what they want.

Best advice I've heard is 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'

Flick your lovely head of coiffed hair, walk away and move on with your life. Plenty of more of very grateful and charming men to meet.

Why do you care? Did you really consider the devastation to his wife when you were the OW.

His marriage has never been consumated, at the time we felt that as I live 80 miles away and we met very infrequently it was not too bad. The new OW lives in the same town, moves in the same social circles and he is seeing her 3 x per week plus weekends. She clearly wants him very much under her thumb.

Their marriage hasnt been consumated!

splurts tea out

Pretty sure they all say that.

You may well be right, but it seemed rather an unusual situation to me. I would love to be able to talk to her to see if it is true, it is either very sad that they have not been able to talk about it or the biggest lie he has ever told, I'll never know.

I remember your other thread. They sound like smug narcissistic fools. Absolutely no way are they going to be happy. What was she doing at your goodbye lunch apart from coming in to intimidate you?

If I remember correctly you are also married. Concentrate on either improving that or ending it.

What do you mean, his marriage has never been consummated? You said he has grown up children. I feel I'm missing something here. Excuse me if I'm being dim. I'm watching Parliament.

He got married when his children were 4 & 2 (yes I had to think about that. I'm sorry initial info not correct as it is a 20 year cohabitation followed by 18 years of marriage. No, I don't really believe it but it is so peculiar scenario that I sort of do.

She insisted she come along and he did not tell me, he said that she had banned us actually having lunch together and one way or another would be joining us at 12.30. I had said beforehand that I would not meet him if she was there. She lurked in the pub next to the coffee place while he talked to me. He didn't look entirely happy with the situation himself.

My god. Get this man out of your headspace. He’s just a liar pure and simple.
You need to get to a place where you don’t care if they’re happy or not. Because you’re just getting on with your life.

Where did the children come from then? I assume you asked that.

She had sex infrequently up to the time the second was conceived and gave up then, two caesarean births, oh alright then it is a load of old tosh isn't it? How could anyone believe that?

It does sound extremely unlikely to be true, OP.

He's not the prize he appears to be. He is, frankly, a mess of a man trying to appear eclectic and attractive.

I remember your other thread. I thought then that you needed to give yourself a good talking to and some tough love. Detach. You'll survive. Then don't go anywhere near a man like that again.

I've only had two sessions with the counsellor so far but it is helping. I have sort of come to understand how he came to the decision to behave like this, but it doesn't make him any less of a shit. I thought I valued his friendship but there really wasn't any.

I think in 'valuing his friendship' you were trying to negotiate with yourself, with the fates, with him to some extent, to try to retain some modicum of control within a spiralling situation.

That's not going to work.

The way to get control of this is to turn your back - deliberately, luxuriously - on the situation and the whole sorry shambles.

You have a whole other life possible, just waiting for you. The other players in this appalling tragi-comedy do not. You are the potential winner here. Seize the day, seize that life.

Good luck

Thank you, AC, I felt after that dreadful meeting that even if she was younger and more beautiful than me she was in for a very difficult time if she carried on with him, he had spun her an elaborate web of lies about who I was and why we met, she does not trust him, even to meet me for lunch. He seems to be unhappy with his wife and new woman doesn't want to live with him, so he will have to live on his own if he really wants her. Not nice at 70+.