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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a 'no go' situation?

56 replies

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/01/2019 09:19

Hi
So very brief story as I'm bored of hearing myself talk about it now but I split with my husband of 13 years just over a year ago when I found out he was having an affair with a younger woman at work (they are still together). We 'get on' for our two children's sake but will never be friends as he broke my heart.
He has had a friend who I have known for years but hardly seen as they know each other through previous work. He helped us move house a couple of times and has always been lovely. He has also been divorced for a few years. We have always been 'friends' on social media but more recently he has asked how I am, etc on there and after quite a long a conversation via social media PM's we exchanged numbers and have been chatting a bit (mostly about how we are, online dating stories, etc).

He hasn't seen my ex for months and has made it quite clear he doesn't agree with what he did and thinks he's a fool.

I guess my question is I don't know if this is just a friendship thing as we're both in similar positions in life at the moment or if he feels anything more and if he did, do I steer clear because of who he is?

OP posts:
deepwatersolo · 16/01/2019 15:28

pathetic not pathic, obviously. Wink

ALittleBitConfused1 · 16/01/2019 17:17

Excuse me hold your horses before you quote me then take what I said out of context.
Of course I don't think you belong to a man like in the middle ages. What a silly thing to say.
What I meant is, is he likely to react badly to the op dating his friend.
If so then I wouldn't bother pursuing it at this stage.
Whether he was in the wrong, whether he has the right to or not the chances are most people wouldn't like their ex to become involved with their friend.
I was just saying that if It was me, after working so hard to keep the situation as calm and amicable for my children, as the op clearly has, there's no way I would risk all that and potentially undo all my hard work to explore what could become a volatile situation.
Does because you can do something doesn't mean it's always the best decision to do it.

DBML · 16/01/2019 17:44

Sometimes I think we worry about our kids just a ‘little too much’.

Of course my child will always come first, but a happy me, is a happy mum and with that comes a happy child.

Your ex should be fine with it... no one’s doing anything wrong. He’s moved on and found happiness. You’re allowed to do that too. If your DH is upset with it, then tough. You continue to be amicable and he’ll get over it.

Btw...I think from the sound of it he likes you and is trying to gage where you are. It sounds like you like him too...so I’d go for it!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 16/01/2019 17:58

I agree it does sound like he is interested and yeah i do think that kids are normally happier if their mums are.
I just try to avoid potential drama at all costs lol.
You know your h well enough to know how bad his reaction will be and whether you think exploring this is potentially worth it.
I would like to repeat I definately think you aren't doing anything wrong either way, it's just what works for you and your kids.

magoria · 16/01/2019 18:02

I understand where ALittle is coming from.

But go for it. Your ex is that and he is the one who would be causing upset not you.

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 16/01/2019 18:51

Thank you and I get where everyone is coming from, which is why I posted as I am a bit conflicted too.
Like I say, I don’t think it’s at the stage where I have to overthink anything and it might not even go there.
I don’t care what my ex thinks but I do care that my kids lives are impacted as little as possible by our actions.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 16/01/2019 19:12

Carry on chatting and just see where it goes.

silentboles · 16/01/2019 19:12

I would go for it, albeit tentatively. Invite him to meet for coffee. You can worry about how your Ex might react when it becomes relevant.

It sounds like this guy has approached the situation in a very respectful and compassionate manner, and he sounds very sweet.

He's dropping hints in the same tentative way I suggest you adopt. He's interested but doesn't want to cause ruptions. That is to his credit.

Once you reach the stage where your Ex knowing becomes an issue, I find it's best to give them short shrift. It's none of his business, you've acted in a perfectly reasonable and dignified manner and he has no right to hold an opinion. Get over it, in a nut shell. Good luck!

ILoveChristmasLights · 16/01/2019 21:34

It sounds like he’s interested in seeing where it might go. The vast majority of men don’t tell a woman she’s beautiful and her ex is a fool unless they’re interested (or already a really good friend who us ‘there’ for you. So not the case here).

Take it slow, ENJOY seeing where it goes with no agenda.

You need to get the notion out of your head that who you see now is any of his business (unless he genuinely believes someone is a risk to his kids) . He’s your ex. End of. He hasn’t got a leg to stand in whinging about this as far as YOU are concerned. It would be up to ‘friend’ to decide whether he wanted to risk his friendship with your ex. However, your Ex appears to have ruined his friendship with ‘friend’ all by himself, so you and he dating is a bit by-the-by.

Just enjoy. Focus on YOUR feelings, not your Ex’s. A man in a glass house would be VERY stupid to upset your amicable situation and the kids over this. VERY stupid.

MsDogLady · 16/01/2019 22:02

Oh my goodness, Sunshine, you must pursue the opportunity to get to know him better. I would suggest to him that you meet for drinks. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

As for your ex, I would not be daunted AT ALL about his possible reaction. Don’t give him one molecule of consideration. If by chance he gets stroppy or hints at betrayal, I would have a calm, firm word with him in private. “This is rich, coming from you. I’m not going to discuss my private life with you.” And don’t.

Your children will be just fine.

Thornbirdsong · 16/01/2019 22:08

Hi @Sunshineandflipflops ! This sounds very exciting! I would defo go for it. None of your fool of an ex's business. Wish I was in your shoes with that option 😆

altiara · 16/01/2019 22:15

I think it’s up to him (new friend) to decide whether or not he puts his friendship with the ex first or decides to ditch the ex for a potential something with you. Ex showed you where you stood with the affair so what you do is none of his business.

So, now onto the interesting bit! If new friend has given you the not interested in women line, it means you can go out as friends- tell him you need a man for a double date with friends or a practice date as you aren’t ready to meet anyone, but he sprang to mind due to his no interest in women! You can get out of the house and have some fun, if you like each other even better, but if you don’t, then you still have a friend.

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 16/01/2019 22:18

Hi @Thornbirdsong, hope you’re doing ok.
I really don’t think it’s anything to get excited about to be honest, nothing more than chat really.

OP posts:
Katgurl · 16/01/2019 22:55

Oh you deserve something nice in your life op even if it's just a bit of flirting / company.

Why don't you suggest getting together for a drink sometime? Even if nothing romantic comes of it, surely you'd enjoy an evening out with a nice man.

GinandGingerBeer · 16/01/2019 23:54

Might be awkward when the wedding invitiations go out WinkGrin
Seriously though, go for it! Don't give your ex a second thought.

deepwatersolo · 17/01/2019 07:28

Sorry, ALittleBit maybe my tone came across as too strong, but it just sounded so much like deference to the whims of some ex. (I should note that my socialization on mumsnet occurred on the feminism board Wink).

I do understand trying to shield your kids from unnecessary drama, and in fact I can understand women who won't have any new relationship because of it - or one totally separated from family life.
However, in weighing these options, whether the new man is a (former or current) friend of the ex really makes no difference.

Even if you make it all dependent on how ex will react (which I find wrong on principle, but regardless), you never have a guarantee he won't reject the new man in your life and make drama. He might even fell better about having a man around his kids who he knows is not Jack the Ripper, than some complete stranger. If the ex wants to create drama around a new partner, he will find a way to create it.

So, I believe, OP should handle any potential new relationship the way she sees fit for herself and kids, but irrespective of whether the new man is or was a friend of the ex. It really makes no difference.

BaeBae · 17/01/2019 07:42

Sounds lovely! Why not ask if he fancies a coffee sometime? I would!!!

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 17/01/2019 08:08

Because I am terrified of rejection Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 17/01/2019 08:09

Although I am doing dry Jan (seemed like a good idea at the time) and we have joked about going out drinking when it's finished.

OP posts:
feelingfree17 · 17/01/2019 08:18

Am sure he has admired you from afar for a while. All he has said indicates that he is very interested in you. Take it slowly, build the friendship further. It may well be the start of a beautiful relationship.

dilly123 · 17/01/2019 09:14

He said he thinks you're beautiful & your ex is a fool.... this is a line & he definitely sounds interested to me.. if you like him then give it a go.. You don't have to explain yourself to your ex or anyone by having an affair he showed your feelings no consideration..

I understand the scared of rejection part been there myself many times but hey.. you're a long time dead!! Thanks

MsDogLady · 17/01/2019 14:08

’...we have joked about going out drinking when it’s finished.’

There you go! Chat until February and then suggest a time to meet.

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 23/01/2019 09:05

Well, we have continued to chat on whatsapp and there has definitely been flirting both ways but when I casually mentioned going out for a drink sometime last night he made it clear he has "retired" from dating, only hurts people and causes pain and that I can do better than him.
I'm not going to force myself on him so I think i'll ease off the chat because I just don't know what he wants from me.
I'm feeling really angry with myself this morning as after OLD for 6 months last year and being disillusioned with it and men in general, I had made the decision to not date and work on being happy and content on my own. I was doing well and actually feeling at peace with this so I don't know why I let myself do this really.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/01/2019 11:43

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
At least you know for sure now.
No point being angry with yourself.
Just go back to what you were doing.

Katgurl · 23/01/2019 13:28

Op you have nothing to be angry with yourself about. He gave you mixed messages! He was entirely flirting with you then knocked you back. So he either has retired from dating but was enjoying flirting with you for the thrill and ego boost or something else going on (like OW).

Regardless he certainly was not clear and you can do much better than him.

You should be proud of yourself.

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