How to approach criricism with DH?

[Esparadis]

I am unable to provide any form of criticism to DH no matter how mild, without him giving me the silent treatment or arguing or having a go back at me. But some things I need to address with him. I get that sometimes he may feel I'm getting at him and to be honest I probably do because I don't feel he takes on board anything I say to him.

Examples:
DH usually informs me roughly what time to expect him from work; I genuinely don't mind how late he comes home but an idea is always v helpful. We have a shared calender and he wrote the wrong time on it (out by 1 hour) and with a very young baby and a toddler, it threw everything as I had planned to prepare our evening meal when he returned home, but because he was late home, this ran into bath time and bedtime and I then had to deal with 2 very over tired children who would not eat. Obviously, I need to be able to be flexible but it was very rushed on this occasion. He does this regularly, he is not late, he just provides me with " the wrong time" he says. He very much struggles with time management but will not acknowledge or admit to this. As a result, I just said "look, if you give me the wrong information it impacts everything, the children are screaming, dinner is late, the house is upside down" and he argued with me and stomped off in a huff. I did not shout or accuse him or get angry with him, I literally just pointed out the consequence.

I explained yesterday that I am feeling under pressure because he keeps on telling me what I need to do/say to my child's nursery regarding her medical condition. I'm having to have some uncomfortable conversations after being directed to by him. I explained that I feel under enormous pressure when he's telling me what to do and say to them all the time. Again, he flew off the handle sarcastically saying "you're the only one to feel any pressure aren't you? The only one who does anything around here whilst I do nothing." Which isnt what I was saying at all.

I feed the baby through the night so DH gets much more undisturbed sleep than I do. In the mornings I have asked him to get up with the baby and toddler (6.30am) so that I can just have an extra half an hour of sleep. The baby feeds at 5am and is awake for 1 hour usually due to reflux so I just need a little more sleep to be able to function. At 7am, after waking, I went in to DH who was in my toddler's room with both children to find him asleep in the toddler's bed and the baby rolling around on the floor whilst the toddler was playing. I need to speak to him about how I feel uncomfortable with this as he's not keeping an eye on the baby and I am dreading this conversation for fear of how he might react, but surely the conversation is needed?

I feel like I can't speak to him about anything, without him taking offence or having a go back at me about unrelated things that he thinks I am doing "wrong" as he puts it.
How do I approach constructive criticism with someone who refuses to acknowledge or accept even the mildest form of criticism? I can't just never speak to him about anything that doesn't work well/behaviours that aren't particularly good. Surely, it's normal to have these conversations and be able to have them without taking offence/ flying off the handle?

Honestly? Yes you should be able to have conversations that will smooth the running of the house without him sulking. Thats what grown ups do and you're a team. I would make sure you broach these topics when you're not stressed and there aren't distractions. I always find talking while out for a walk works well. But if you're still struggling to broach these subjects then I don't know what to suggest. Marriage is a partnership and good communication is paramount.

I think if I was you I would decide on a dinner time that suits the children, feed them and if he's not there then he can heat his up when he comes in.
In terms of the nursery discussion, I wouldn't be dictated to. If you don't agree then don't have the conversation or discuss it between you and compromise.
Perhaps you need to ask him if he is comfortable with the children being left to their own devices- is he ok with you doing that during the day - leaving them unsupervised - if not then he can't really justify falling asleep.

I too think that communication is paramount but he seems to avoid it at all costs. It's as if he perceives important conversations as arguments. He doesnt realise that they dont need to be. Getting him to converse with mr about finances is always a battle before the conversation even starts. He just avoids it like the plague. Its strange as my father was very similar. I remember him banning board games on our house to avoid unnecessary arguments. It's a fear of being disagreed with. Very odd.

Have you asked him why he avoids these conversations? What was his upbringing like and his parents' relationship?

No sorry this has gone too far, as for dinner times, eat with your children and let him fend for himself, he's a big boy, albeit a very frucken immature one!

As for the baby being left to roll about, you honestly need to give him this with two barrels, that's completely unacceptable, stop tip toeing around him, he sounds like a bully and is keeping you from actually saying what needs to be said!

Let him roar and shout, he sounds a nightmare to live with, you sound amazing looking after your babies whilst he gets the life of riley.

I don't believe he is scared of arguments, I think he likes to be in control and for you to not annoy him as he perceives it.

He sound every much like my ex. I ended up only starting to cook when he came home. In hindsight I should have just stopped cooking for him. He always was able to keep to appointments with other people, just not us.

He would also rant about doctors, teachers etc and I would just tell him to soeak to them himself as speaking to me about it wasn't any good. Funnily enough, he's too cowardly to do so and would only rant at me.

It doesn't sound good op.

His parents argue and disagree about every little thing. They do not take criticism well at all. I believe this is where it comes from. Strangely though, his parents have never picked him up on any of his negative behaviours. He can be very messy and lazy. When I ask him what his parents used to say to him about his mess, he says "nothing." I think it's probably true and that his mother ran around cleaning up after everyone.

It's not an equal or healthy partnership if one person can't approach the other one about something that's worrying them. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around him. Difficult conversations are part and parcel of marriage. Avoiding them breeds resentment and anger.

I'm a bit puzzled that he has to provide tones in a calendar for when he will be home. Is this a symptom of your micro managing and therefore that's why he won't have the conversations with you? I can't imagine asking my husband to write down what time he will be home at. That said if he comes home an hour later than I expect him to it makes zero difference to what happens at home anyway. Why does it impact on everything and leave your children screaming? Sounds like you need to relax a lot little.

I think it's respectful to give your partner an idea what time you'll be home especially if they are cooking for you. My husband went through a phase of saying I'll be home by 6 but wouldn't get home until 7. Often that meant dinner was spoiled and I was starving as we like to eat together. We had a quick chat about it and he said sometimes things crop up at work which I understand. Now he messages me if he will be a bit late and rings me on the way home to see if I need anything. No dramas and things work better now.

I agree it's normal to have a rough idea, but to note it in a calendar and have it impact everything and leave the children screaming if he isn't there on time? That's nuts. If I ever cook when DH isn't t home (unlikely) I would just leave his on a plate and carry on as normal. The kids wouldn't notice the difference. The house would not be 'upside down'. The whole thing sounds far too intense.

There's no reason to eat together every night. Where's the pleasure in it if you never know what time he'll be back? Is it something you or he feels strongly about or something you think you 'should' be doing, because families should eat together?

Part of it might be that you like or need things to run on a tight schedule at home, as if it's a job, almost as if you have no choice.

Boring control freak.

I bet he doesn't rant at anyone else.

When your DCs grow up you'll likely bail out of this marriage. What's the point being with someone so resistant? Tedious beyond words. Life's too short

No. It's not about eating together one bit. I don't care about that. I genuinely can jot cook and entertain/take care of 2 young kids at the same time?
I'm a bit shocked that nobody had picked up on this being the issue. Do other people seriously manage to cook dinner with 2 young kids? My baby wont6be puy down in the evening, dhe screams with reflux ☹. This is why I like to know when DH will be home so I know:
A) if i can cook a proper meal
B) when I can cook a proper meal
C) what to cook- if hes home too late its beans on toast.

Where am I going wrong? Should I be managing to cook dinner with the kids around? I feel like I'm failing for not being able to master this!

Batch cooking is your best friend and a slow cooker. I have a 3 month old and I batch cook soups and sauces etc so it's very easy to heat up something home cooked and throw it together with rice or pasta and some frozen vegetables. Takes 15 mins max. I don't have a toddler though so I'm sure it's much harder as they get older!

Lots of us had to cook whilst raising kids tho. You just do the best you can. I had 2 DCs only 1 year apart so I know how knackering it is.

But you can't NOT cook can you? So my meals were filling, healthy as possible but not elaborate, there was no time or inclination for that. Batch cooking, too.

& I didn't cook weekends, their dad did. I split with H when DCs were still young and got on with everything myself. I'm not Superwoman - but needs must.

If you're with a resistant man who isn't particularly helpful then he's your major problem, not meals and mealtimes.

I wouldn't be dissing what time he's home that's for sure, don't you already have enough to think about! He can warm his food when he gets in, doesn't sound as if he's complaining about that aspect from what you've written

Could you feed the DC then bathe and get them ready for bed?
If he's home early- he can take over bath time and put them to bed while you prepare dinner.
If he's home later, he can put them to bed (or, you put them to bed while he prepares dinner for the 2 of you) while you do dinner for the 2 of you - or, send him for a takeaway for the 2 of you once he's put the DC to bed.
You can be testing the chilled wine in the meantime!

genuinely can jot cook and entertain/take care of 2 young kids at the same time?
I'm a bit shocked that nobody had picked up on this being the issue.

Nothing to be shocked about. Plenty of people cook and have children. You just manage. There are so many ways you could adjust your day/meals to suit. Making your DH's error on a calendar the reason is a bit OTT.

Also, why is he late home sometimes?
This is key.
If it's having to stay on a bit to complete a deadline, or caught in horrendous traffic - fair enough.
If he's going to the pub for "a swift half", - different matter entirely.

I think approaching the conversation as "constructive criticism" on your part is also telling.

When do you find the time to batch cook meals? I don't get a moment to myself. Gosh I feel worse having written this thread. I am clearly not doing very well at juggling the meal cooking and the children at the same time. It's like hell has broken loose on our house at that time. The toddler is tired and needy, the baby screaming. I'm lucky if I can break free to butter toast hence me waiting for DH to come home before cooking a lot of the time. Weekends are manic and DH always has jobs to do, batch cooking? I've no idea when I would do this.
DH doesn't mind us not eating together at all, but that isn't really the issue. Does anyone have any healthy meal ideas that are quick? What do others cook? My mum friends struggle with this too and a lot of them just cook frozen meals and make ham sandwiches for evening meals. I thought I was normal for finding this difficult, but according to the lovely folk of MN, apparently not😢

One in a baby bouncer or similar, one playing around, and you doing a simple tea for them.

I always ate a proper meal once mine had gone to bed, but nap times are when I'd prep anything that needed more attention.

It's not as difficult as it seems, it's more about planning and taking opportunities where you can.

Not meaning this nastily at all, my son was very lively and didn't sleep much, but you just have to find what works and get on with it. Believe me, eating in peace without the kids there is what keeps the soul alive, especially if you need to get up again in the night.

Pasta is your friend. There are always times you can chop a few veg or prep potatoes and then keep them in the fridge.

Plan, plan, plan, and then also have a back-up meal idea (fish fingers etc) for when life is too much to handle.

Would it be easier to swop lunch and dinner for the dc? Evenings are hard work, but you could cook for you and dh whenever suits (or just you) with enough extras that you can reheat for lunch the next day. Then a simple dinner of sandwiches or whatever

I agree it's very very difficult/impossible to cook in the late afternoon/evening with babies the ages of yours. Then you've the grown up baby coming home from work on top of that.
The toddler will be cranky and tired and hungry and clinging to your legs, or else you will try to stop them falling asleep on the sofa before dinner! Then at the same time, you have a baby literally in your arms so it's impossible to drain a saucepan or get a hot tray out of the oven. I couldn't do it either, had to wait for DH to get home and make the rice even if we had stuff in the freezer.
At 5pm after a shit nights sleep all the hellish thoughts and wave of tiredness descends on you.