How to approach criricism with DH?

[Esparadis]

I am unable to provide any form of criticism to DH no matter how mild, without him giving me the silent treatment or arguing or having a go back at me. But some things I need to address with him. I get that sometimes he may feel I'm getting at him and to be honest I probably do because I don't feel he takes on board anything I say to him.

Examples:
DH usually informs me roughly what time to expect him from work; I genuinely don't mind how late he comes home but an idea is always v helpful. We have a shared calender and he wrote the wrong time on it (out by 1 hour) and with a very young baby and a toddler, it threw everything as I had planned to prepare our evening meal when he returned home, but because he was late home, this ran into bath time and bedtime and I then had to deal with 2 very over tired children who would not eat. Obviously, I need to be able to be flexible but it was very rushed on this occasion. He does this regularly, he is not late, he just provides me with " the wrong time" he says. He very much struggles with time management but will not acknowledge or admit to this. As a result, I just said "look, if you give me the wrong information it impacts everything, the children are screaming, dinner is late, the house is upside down" and he argued with me and stomped off in a huff. I did not shout or accuse him or get angry with him, I literally just pointed out the consequence.

I explained yesterday that I am feeling under pressure because he keeps on telling me what I need to do/say to my child's nursery regarding her medical condition. I'm having to have some uncomfortable conversations after being directed to by him. I explained that I feel under enormous pressure when he's telling me what to do and say to them all the time. Again, he flew off the handle sarcastically saying "you're the only one to feel any pressure aren't you? The only one who does anything around here whilst I do nothing." Which isnt what I was saying at all.

I feed the baby through the night so DH gets much more undisturbed sleep than I do. In the mornings I have asked him to get up with the baby and toddler (6.30am) so that I can just have an extra half an hour of sleep. The baby feeds at 5am and is awake for 1 hour usually due to reflux so I just need a little more sleep to be able to function. At 7am, after waking, I went in to DH who was in my toddler's room with both children to find him asleep in the toddler's bed and the baby rolling around on the floor whilst the toddler was playing. I need to speak to him about how I feel uncomfortable with this as he's not keeping an eye on the baby and I am dreading this conversation for fear of how he might react, but surely the conversation is needed?

I feel like I can't speak to him about anything, without him taking offence or having a go back at me about unrelated things that he thinks I am doing "wrong" as he puts it.
How do I approach constructive criticism with someone who refuses to acknowledge or accept even the mildest form of criticism? I can't just never speak to him about anything that doesn't work well/behaviours that aren't particularly good. Surely, it's normal to have these conversations and be able to have them without taking offence/ flying off the handle?

I batch cook on a weekend usually. Maybe ask your husband to entertain them for an hour and then throw some chopped veg in a pain with some stock and lentils or beans and when it's cooked blend it (or not) that's an easy soup. I batch cook spaghetti sauce that can then be portioned off and made into chilli or shepherd's pie. Slow cooked in a morning is quick and you can even buy ready chopped root vegetables. Just add a tin of tomatoes some wine and herbs and then whatever protein and put the lid on.

What time does your dh get home? What time are you starting to prepare meals?

Either slow cooker meals or quick pasta & veg or shove in the oven breaded fish type thing with boiled veg. It's so hard when you're in the thick of it but not impossible x

I think people are missing the main issue here which is that the op can't raise anything with her dh without him stomping off in a strop.
Don't make the op feel like a failure because she is struggling with 2 very young children - a baby with severe reflux makes everything much harder.

Has he always been like this or is he stressed? DH used to be very much the same & it was awful.

Think you are getting a hard time here, esp with a not so great baby with reflux. Can you cook meals at night then freeze, or at weekends, make life a lot easier.

Don't think that is your issue, I think your OH sounds incredibly selfish, I'd be cooking him FA.

Something stopping grumpy chops cooking a meal and freezing it, there are two parents here.

Thankyou to the last few posters for making me feel less like a failure.

Yes a baby with reflux is just something else. I can not strap her into anything. No bouncer, no jumperoo, no walker, no swing. Nothing. She screams blue murder. My first DC was very easy going as a baby so I never had to deal with any of this. He just sat and watched me cook. A high needs baby is a game changer.

Problem is OP you are effectively a single parent, and even when you do leave him with is two kids, he falls asleep and the baby is left rolling around the floor and toddler left to his own devices; I'd advise splitting and that way he'd had to do his job as a parent but I doubt you could even trust him to look after them on his own.

Actually mad on your behalf, he keeps criticising you and telling you what you are doing wrong when he is actual pig and a shit partner and dad, seriously, think about getting rid.

Silly question but couldn't he just phone/text when he's on his way, if his hours vary? I get home at all sorts of different times, but if I want to be fed when I get in I let DH know when I'm about half an hour away. If I'm really late he'll cook when he's hungry and reheat my share when I get in. I would find it really stressful and restrictive to have to be home at a time I'd written on a calender at some point in the past because that's just not how my job works.

I had a reflux velcro baby too. It is hard as the more they cry the more pain they are in.

You batch cook on a weekend when you can divide and conquer with 2 people being responsible for 2 children.

There are hundreds of videos on YouTube about freezer meal prep. Also a slow cooker is your best friend. Again you can prepare slow cooker bags before hand so you just dump it all in on a morning, set the thing to low and it will keep food hot. Been there, done that.

I fed the children at a set time, they need routine. Dh would sort himself when he got in if I had already eaten with the children if he was going to be late. He would also take both children so I got 20 minute break, he would make me a cup of tea and bring it to me in the bedroom where I hid

That way he had time with the children and then we would both get the bath ready.

Don't rely on your Dh giving you the right time. Set your own schedule and if he comes in late he sorts himself out. If he was a single parent he would be doing all this anyway, he would have collected 2 children from nursery and then feed them and himself, get them both ready for bed.

Meant to say OP, I was in no way being critical of you (or your DH).
You both sound exhausted and none of us are at our most amenable when we're completely knackered.
Has DH always been difficult to communicate with or has it been just since DC came along?
If he's always been touchy, your current situation won't help.
If he used to be a ray of sunshine, then it's fatigue (which I'm certain you have too), and you both need to find some way of supporting each other.
Good luck.

If you have the budget, don't feel bad about serving the odd decent quality ready meal. You can get ones specially for small kids, with less salt in. Handy to have in the fridge or freezer for tricky days.

I was going to say you needs couples therapy, but i think he might need some too.

At worse he is abusive and is training you to do everything with strategic incompetence and simultaneously not to challenge him for fear of consequences.

At best he is someone with very fragile self esteem who simply has never learned how to resolve conflict. In which case therapy will help him learn that and repair that self esteem.

I am unable to provide any form of criticism to DH no matter how mild, without him giving me the silent treatment or arguing or having a go back at me. But some things I need to address with him. I get that sometimes he may feel I'm getting at him and to be honest I probably do because I don't feel he takes on board anything I say to him.

Can't believe a poster is saying your OH sounds exhausted lol, he does FA.