ED + resultant mess - help advice, words of wisdom?

[Anonnymousley]

Hello all, I’m not normally a poster, or a talker, but I’m in such a mess perhaps another perspective or six may help. I am breaking this into bullet points to keep concise, otherwise would be a long wordy mess.

• 2013 met DH 2 B online. I was single mum, 32 flirty, confident. Sexually not backwards when going forwards. No slutbags but had a glint in my eye. Met for date: He was he was 37 and hadn’t had a GF since uni, lived in squalor and dressed like a train-wreck in a charity shop. Couldn’t quite look me in the eye. No way was a second date going to happen but friends, definitely; was/ is the most decent, intelligent and funny person ever met.

• 2015 finally realised that DH to be was most decent, intelligent and funny person ever met; really loved him, couldn’t bear going a day without seeing him. To hell, the rest would follow naturally, right?

• 2016 ED problem from outset, very shy, intimidated. Of course, fair enough. Seemed to be getting better, things could be ok sometimes. Sneaky use of Viagra, which he didn’t know I knew about but I did know about and was actually really fucking hurt by, but still, recognised that was a bit insecure and mental on my part, so let it go. Getting married could only help, right? Show I meant it, give him confidence. Got married. Nothing changed.

• 2017 got pregnant (a surprise), strongly suspected having baby would split our relationship apart at weakest point, knowing what having a baby can do to ones mojo, and knowing DH didn’t have the relationship skills and red blood count to help me through. Had baby. Things got worse. Of course they got worse; first time we tried to have sex after birth when I was feeling not the best about myself (you know; you’ve been there) he couldn’t and said nothing, not a single word of reassurance. Mortified, maybe, but it’s not about you at mo it’s about me matey. At least tell me it’s not because my body’s been mashed up and blown to bits. Furious with him, feeling awful about myself.

Didn’t attempt anything for couple months. Promises to sort problem. Doesn’t. Gaps between attempts get longer.

• 2018 Long slow slope from not great to awful. Every couple months we will have convo abou it all, he will do a couple of days of exercise, a few less drinks and sneakily buy Viagra. I will pretend I don’t know, we will have self conscious sex once then over next week or so I will slowly retreat to far side of bed because I can’t face it all. He will let me go (to far side bed) as he is secretly relieved. Confidence has gone, sex drive gone – or I think it’s gone until I see a sex scene on tv, then I have to leave the room and have a sneaky cry. Been couple months since last attempt now, I think, stopped counting.

To summarise, the issues, beyond the ED, and worse than, are his inability to deal with the problem, to communicate, to reassure. I’m miserable because I wake up lonely next to a man I married and because I have lost all faith in anything changing and I just don’t know what to do. Splitting – can’t do that to my children, and it’s just too tragic. Separation – instinctively what I think we need, a big relationship reset, but we can in no way afford to do it.

All I can do is do what I can to heal myself: be healthier, fitter etc, but I don’t know where that will leave me - feeling better about myself but still with this sad relationship that should be amazing but isn’t because the bit that’s missing is the important bit: the glue, the energy, whatever you want to call it.

Any words of wisdom or suggestions of miracle cures welcome. No to Rhino Horn, vegetarian.

What do you get out of this relationship which actually reads like a train wreak from the very start?. This was really a triumph of hope over experience. You can become healthier and fitter without being in the confines of this marriage. Have you sought legal advice to date, it seems not.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Do not do your bit here to continue to teach your children that a loveless marriage is their norm too. Your children would be better off having parents who are apart and happier than the two of you locked in your own miseries and staying together for your own reasons because you yourself cannot face divorce (and using the children as a reason to do so). You cannot use these children as the glue here to keep and otherwise bind you and your H together. They see your unhappiness here even if you and he are not at each other's throats and they do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken. They could well also go onto accuse you of being weak and putting this man before them.

He needs to see the GP.

My DH had a low libido, which was driving me nuts. We both suspected low testosterone levels. He got checked out by the GP and also bought Viagra. Results showed that testosterone levels were normal. That result, plus knowing Viagra was in the bedside drawer (in case he lost an erection) has magically solved the problem, and we are now having regular sex.

So I'd start there, if I was you.

Thank you childsupport. I agree he needs to see GP, I'm sorry he hasn't got on with it himself but guess we all have areas we need to be pushed/nagged on. Thanks for your help.

I had to nag DH to make the appointment, he was embarrassed, but wow, it was so worth it!!

Why are you upset about the viagra? Or are you just upset that he's hiding it? To me, it looks like his way of tackling the problem, and if it works, great. It's a very difficult subject to talk about for a lot of people, so why not just let him take viagra and be able to be the partner you need him to be, and that presumably he wants to be.
Has he had a once over from the GP? As I understand it, there can be a number of underlying health issues which can cause ED.

Just wanted to say - when you met him - he was from the start shy and intimidated and not confident.
So - can you imagine how his ED is making HIM feel?
I think expecting reassurance from him is a little misplaced. How can he reassure you?
He already doesn’t feel like a man.

So - yes - if he hasn’t seen a doctor for it yet - it was time many moons ago.

And for you, OP - you knowingly picked a man with a medical problem. It’s not a question of your attractiveness. So - only way you can work around it is as a team.
Not sneakily buying meds, or feeling upset that the problem exists.

Good luck.

Atilla, I get - from my relationship - the love and committment of an outstanding man.

There is nothing wrong with hope in a relationship is there - don't we all hope for the best at the beginning and through out our relationships? If we didn't no one would bother.

Mine is not a loveless marriage, it's a sexless one - please read original post. I agree that couples should not stay together for their kids, I am eternally grateful my dad and mum split, and that I left my first partner. The right decision in both cases, 100 per cent.

However, mine is a relationshiip worth fighting for. I'm not going to bail because it's bumpy, I'm going to work for it, and I can assure you that's harder than walking away. Children seeing grown-ups work at their relationships is as valuable as seeing adults having the strength to walk away when they should do.

Vibes? No, perhaps to a psychiatrist, but between waking up and bedtime my husband and I are the best of friends.

That I can be healthier and fitter without the confines of this relationship? Of course I can, my point there was that my self esteem has been knocked and I am trying to help heal myself, and give myself a bit of confidence to pick up the fight again. Sorry you missed the point. I was single for years and didn't mind in the lest, I am not one of they who needs 'another half'.

By posting this I was aiming to get constructive advice, perhaps from people who have had a similar experience, or at least from people with a bit of empathy. But thank you for your time.

DearTeddyRobinson. I was upset because - and this is daft, and I KNOW it's daft - I felt as though he needed to take something to actually want to have sex with me. I know (now) that you have to have desire there in the first place for it to work. I also wish he'd been able to talk to me about it, I get how tough it must be, but sympathy is not infinite. He hasn't had a once over from GP, no.

MMmomDD. I can't imagine how it makes him feel, beyns shit, but after all this time of not doing anything about it - not going to the GP or not even trying to help himself by exercise diet, less drinking etc - my sympathy and understanding are running out. We are talking four plus years now.

• Sometimes you do need to hear the 'it's not you it's me' especially after a year or so, and when you're post baby flobby.

Thank you ;)

Take sex entirely off the table for a bit and work on your relationship without it.

*Anonnymousley

DearTeddyRobinson. I was upset because - and this is daft, and I KNOW it's daft - I felt as though he needed to take something to actually want to have sex with me. I know (now) that you have to have desire there in the first place for it to work*

In my experience of ED your role should be to say that you won't and don't take it personally and that it's nothing for him to be embarrassed about. It's a medical issue! You should be reassuring him, not the other way round...

Mortified, maybe, but it’s not about you at mo it’s about me matey.

It comes across that it's all about you. Your partner has ED, that's no reflection on you, stop making it so.

The way you talk about your partner is like he was a project, a charity case you've taken pity on. Can't you see how that will make him feel, that will exacerbate his insecurities?

TerriTummyTowels Have tried that a couple of times in past but we wind up to same place eventually. But I think that's worth another go, again, along with a GP visit. Thanks x

People say - men get married, expecting their women not to change; and women get married, expecting their men to transform...

When you met him he’s not had a gf for 15 years - no? And there was ED from the start.
Clearly his issues are deeply ingrained. So, you do indeed need to be patient and have sympathy.
You picked him as he was - a man with ED.
And if you think the relationship is worth fighting for - that includes you. Supporting him, rather than being annoyed....

If the places were switched and it was a man complaining about marrying a woman with low libido - and it still staying low after marriage - he’d get a flaming.

chestylarue52

I have reassured him! I have I have I have, so so many times

Bombardier25966

My tone is a little breezy I admit, but I in no way saw him as a project.

Please understand - yes it's his, medical condition, yes I should be understanding. Have been. But when you're with someone who can't deal with an issue that effects your relationship, after years, that's hard. That is in fact the issue here, in the main: the head in the sand, the denial.

You haven't though.. You've let him know that his medical problem really hurts you and makes you angry. That's the opposite of reassuring someone.

I used to repeat to my ex 'I'm not disappointed, and I don't take it personally' and back that up with my behaviour - bring warm, kissing, cuddling, asking him to use toys on me etc. I'd never retreat to the other side of the bed!

MMmomDD

I'm not annoyed he's got ED or that I haven't had sex for however long. I'm annoyed - hurt - that he isn't doing anything about it. I want to help him, but i can't do that if he shuts down and/ or isn't prepared to deal with the problem.

Do you think you could possibly redefine what sex is as a couple? In a way that might be a compromise but one that makes you both 90% happy?

I'll leave the graphic details to the Sex board but if PIV is a no go for him, would you feel at least 90% happy if he "helped" you out in other ways? Being sexually intimate without it being about his erection. And if it does "pop up" you can introduce it into the action until it goes away again but free of any guilt.

Admittedly this sort of thing takes a sense of humour and a lack of ego to get right but if you can make it work it could get you most of the way there

And I know you've said he shuts down discussion but maybe if the topic is not resolving the ED but resolving a sort of sex life instead, he may feel less pressure

You talk about "the glue, the energy" - without being crude, you don't need an erect penis for any of that.

chestylarue52

I've never ever been angry at him!

It's not the ED that's hurt me, it's the not dealing with it. That's making me angry yes. Though not at him, that's why I'm venting on here! I can't talk to friends/ fam about it, I couldn't do that too him.

I was understanding for first couple years, I've gotten worn out by it, and yes I shut him out now and no of course that's not helping and that leaves me here, wit's end and moaning on mumsnet!

So he's 40 or 41 now. Try gently suggesting that a complete physical might be a good idea. ED could be an early warning sign for something else.

TerriTummyTowels that makes a lot of sense, you're right, we need to work on relationship, talk more and work up to an intimacy we're both happy with without it being about the thing.

and then stick at it and not let it become about the thing again, of course!

toddman70

Agreed, yes. Thank you.