Hello all, I’m not normally a poster, or a talker, but I’m in such a mess perhaps another perspective or six may help. I am breaking this into bullet points to keep concise, otherwise would be a long wordy mess.
- 2013 met DH 2 B online. I was single mum, 32 flirty, confident. Sexually not backwards when going forwards. No slutbags but had a glint in my eye. Met for date: He was he was 37 and hadn’t had a GF since uni, lived in squalor and dressed like a train-wreck in a charity shop. Couldn’t quite look me in the eye. No way was a second date going to happen but friends, definitely; was/ is the most decent, intelligent and funny person ever met.
- 2015 finally realised that DH to be was most decent, intelligent and funny person ever met; really loved him, couldn’t bear going a day without seeing him. To hell, the rest would follow naturally, right?
- 2016 ED problem from outset, very shy, intimidated. Of course, fair enough. Seemed to be getting better, things could be ok sometimes. Sneaky use of Viagra, which he didn’t know I knew about but I did know about and was actually really fucking hurt by, but still, recognised that was a bit insecure and mental on my part, so let it go. Getting married could only help, right? Show I meant it, give him confidence. Got married. Nothing changed.
- 2017 got pregnant (a surprise), strongly suspected having baby would split our relationship apart at weakest point, knowing what having a baby can do to ones mojo, and knowing DH didn’t have the relationship skills and red blood count to help me through. Had baby. Things got worse. Of course they got worse; first time we tried to have sex after birth when I was feeling not the best about myself (you know; you’ve been there) he couldn’t and said nothing, not a single word of reassurance. Mortified, maybe, but it’s not about you at mo it’s about me matey. At least tell me it’s not because my body’s been mashed up and blown to bits. Furious with him, feeling awful about myself.
Didn’t attempt anything for couple months. Promises to sort problem. Doesn’t. Gaps between attempts get longer.
- 2018 Long slow slope from not great to awful. Every couple months we will have convo abou it all, he will do a couple of days of exercise, a few less drinks and sneakily buy Viagra. I will pretend I don’t know, we will have self conscious sex once then over next week or so I will slowly retreat to far side of bed because I can’t face it all. He will let me go (to far side bed) as he is secretly relieved. Confidence has gone, sex drive gone – or I think it’s gone until I see a sex scene on tv, then I have to leave the room and have a sneaky cry. Been couple months since last attempt now, I think, stopped counting.
To summarise, the issues, beyond the ED, and worse than, are his inability to deal with the problem, to communicate, to reassure. I’m miserable because I wake up lonely next to a man I married and because I have lost all faith in anything changing and I just don’t know what to do. Splitting – can’t do that to my children, and it’s just too tragic. Separation – instinctively what I think we need, a big relationship reset, but we can in no way afford to do it.
All I can do is do what I can to heal myself: be healthier, fitter etc, but I don’t know where that will leave me - feeling better about myself but still with this sad relationship that should be amazing but isn’t because the bit that’s missing is the important bit: the glue, the energy, whatever you want to call it.
Any words of wisdom or suggestions of miracle cures welcome. No to Rhino Horn, vegetarian.