Can a marriage survive infidelity

[Feelingsadandlonely]

15 months ago, do confessed to a 9 month affair. We split up initially but I quickly (maybe too quickly with hindsight) wanted to make a go of things. We have 3 dc and 15 years of marriage.
Prior to the affair things weren’t great and I accept that my mood swings (menopause) was one of the causes of his unhappiness. Still no excuse for an affair but I accept my part in the marriage being bad.
Anyway we’ve had individual counselling, we’ve had joint counselling and we've done all the ‘right’ things to put our marriage back on track.
But I’m finding it so hard to forgive. I accept it’s happened, I’m trying not to be a victim and let the affair ruin my life but I just can’t feel the same for him. He hurt me so much with his lies and betrayal and I’m not sure I can put my trust in him again for fear of being hurt.
Some days it feels like nothing is left. We still love each other but it’s not enough is it? I don’t like the person he was during the affair and although he hasn’t been that person for 15 months I’m just not sure I can get past it.
I think our marriage is over. We’ve tried so hard to fix things for us and the kids but it feels like the affair has done irreparable damage.
Has anyone got any words of advice?

That should say dh in the first line obviously. Bloody autocorrect.

No, you can't get past it I'm afraid. It's done and nothing can un-do that sadly. It eats away at your very soul and destroys your self respect. I honestly think the only answer is to separate. It is so, so sad but it's not your fault. He could have played it a different way but he actively chose to have an affair and you can't paper over that.

I think that many people feel they have to stay and make a go of it but honestly if you've really tried, you've tried.
Many books and forums will say it takes 3-5 yrs but I think that sounds like a long time to waste if you can't feel it working.
It might be worth separating and try dating each other.
I am sorry you have been hurt, but if you can't forgive then it is best to separate rather than both of you live in a miserable marriage.
Good luck with what you decide

You initially split. But changed your mind and got back together. If you honestly feel both of you have tried everything, you are allowed to change your mind again.

Hi Feelingsadandlonely so sorry to hear that you are in this predicament. It sucks big time and you are not the one at fault. It takes an awful long time to process those post-affair emotions: anger, sadness, 'why me?' etc. I know that you will want to make a go of it again because of your 15 years together and your three children. What's the worse scenario though: separating and having sharing contact with the children or rebuilding your marriage and workign on the trust issues. Either way it's tough. This can only be done if BOTH of you are committed to putting your emotional resources into making it work. It can't just be you. Whichever path you choose I would recommend counselling. HTH

In very rare cases you can. I have a friend whose DH had an affair with a colleague when friend and her DH were expecting 3rd baby. The colleague ended up pregnant at the same time (turned out not to be friend's DH's). They are 10 years on from it and she made sure everything had to be transparent...all contact etc. She says she trusts him but not 100% so it will always be there in the back of her mind. So there are some rare cases but, generally no it is a very difficult thing to come back from.

You can not wind the click back op, once trust has gone it rarely comes back.

I am so sorry, it is shit, but life moves on.

You may have to find happiness going solo, it is hard and you will have to face the bereavment of lost dreams.

Once you do though you will start a new way forward, new dreams, a new path.

*clock

It's not can a marriage survive an affair. It's can ' your' marriage survive ?
It sounds like you were both willing to try, and you have. But it didn't work and you can't forgive. To me, that means your marriage is over. He had an affair and you cannot forget nor forgive him. Perhaps it's time you both looked into taking your lives to the next stage,apart.

I think it can but only if the partner who cheated is totally transparent and open and doesn’t mind being checked up on until the cheated on person feels secure.

Sadly I have never seen this. The cheater usually says all the right things and basically waits for everything to calm down and then carries. My experience tells me that “once a cheater always a cheater” is spot on.

Hi, in exactly the same position. It’s so hard and I feel the same. Never posted before but lurked a long time! You’ve struck a chord with me. We’re 15 months on too - three kids. Sorry that you’re going through this too. Feel free to PM me.

I’ll be honest, speaking from experience. Most of us do stay and ‘work through it’
But for me, it was the thought of him being with that other person which made me stay with him.
I felt that if we split up, then he’d go straight to her or to someone else. I spent the next few years excusing his behaviour, his lies and justifications. If ever it came up between us, as I found things out, ( more incidents) he’d blame me.
The insecurity and resentment eats away at your insides.
It’s tremendously difficult to get the trust back again. I’d say for both sides. Your dh could mistrust you now, thinking you could have a revenge affair.
Things can mask over the cracks but in my experience, if your clinging on for dear life, it’s unhealthy.
Think of the pressure of your thoughts and feelings going round and round in your head. One minute believing in your relationship, then the next unconvinced. It’s a long term stress on your emotional well being.
I commend anyone who manages to get through something like this.

I wouldn’t lay blame on yourself though. Your dh could have addressed things with you rather than have an affair. You haven’t taken the, ‘well he cheated, poor me so now I will’ route.
You are not accountable for this.
Counselling sessions who delivered the ‘you are both accountable’ approach is old school. It doesn’t even make sense. You are both responsibile for your marriage but you are not accountable for each others action in my view.

I hope you find some way to heal yourself soon.

It sounds as though you have really tried.
You also mentioned that your relationship was not great before the affair.

Perhaps, it is time to call it a day - and work on building a friendship and moving forward as coparents and friends. It sounds as though you have a lot of love for each other, but are far from 'in love'. Maybe focus on that and try and change the dynamics. Would he be prepared to move out?

A marriage can survive it, but you will never truly get over it. You will be forever wondering what he's doing, who he's messaging, etc.

IME the worry and insecurities just don't go away. Trust has been broken. Sure some people stay together and remain that way but there will always be that uncertainty.

I feel like I've written those words a few times in the last couple of days. Seems to be a common question of late!

You won't ever fully trust him again, and will always feel anger, betrayed etc by what he did.

You have given it another chance which is more than most, but don't feel guilty for saying actually this isn't working. You're not letting your family down, he's the one that did that.

Best of luck with your decision

I know exactly how you feel, I think one thing that is upsetting is the ‘flatness’ you tend to feel. The thought that this is the best it’s going to get . I am still very unsure to be honest. I am not sure I want to ‘live with it’ , it’s also made it that I really don’t want sex and tend to freeze and I don’t think long term that’s going to fly

Mine wouldn't

Once that trust is gone, you can never forget the pain he caused you, it will always be in the back of your mind, "will he/her do it again."

As much as trust it's knowing that part of the frisson of the affair, is, in plain English, getting one over on you. When the lover, who is a friend, pops round, and you get a fleeting sensation that they've just shared an in joke, but dismiss it, because you hate feeling like a suspicious git. This cannot ultimately be the basis of a real partnership. Although I genuinely admire people who keep trying.

Well don't feel bad if you now decide to split, he caused all this, there is never an excuse to cheat, regardless of your menopause, moods etc, whatever it is, he chose to cheat on you for 9 months!

Unforgivable for me but we are all different, just don't feel bad if you decide he's not worth it because tbh he wouldn't be for me.

This is different for everyone.
For some it's a total deal-breaker (me) and others can and do work through this.
If you've been trying for 15 months and still feel like this, then I'd suggest you probably won't ever get past this.

Have investigated to see what separation looks like?
Start with small steps and then see how you feel.

Thank you so much for your words of support and advice. It’s such a horrid time.
I have thought long and hard about what separation would be like. Luckily we ate in a good financial position and although a split would mean lifestyle changes that doesn’t necessarily worry me. What concerns me is the kids and dealing with them alone for a weekend and then the next not having them at all. I can’t imagine holidays just the 4 of us and ds especially would hate for his dad not to be there. Apart from that I think I’d manage. I have a supportive family and a fabulous network of friends.
But I always envisaged growing old with dh and I’d probably miss him. I’m just so sad still that the affair happened. If we’d split because things weren’t great then fair enough but I hate that we’re potentially splitting because of his actions.

If you do split, it’s perfectly feasible to be good friends if it’s the ‘behaviour’ you can’t live with or forgive and forget, rather than not liking the person. A councillor discussed this with me when I said that I couldn’t get past the behaviour and feel exactly the same about them , that it killed romantic/sexual feelings, but that I did like ‘the person’ and would be very sad to lose the friendship or contact. Everyone is different OP .

It changes, it becomes a Marriage With Infidelity. Time can't be reversed and things can't be unsaid. Only you know if you can or will be able to live with that.

Being alone has benefits too, don't let the fear of that get in the way of going after what's right for you.

And he's not a great dad or husband. The great ones are people who don't shit on their relationship.

No. It wasn't even a drunken one night stand, it was a 9 month affair.

If I couldn't afford to kick him out straight away I might make all the right noises about trying again, but I'd be seriously planning my exit and stringing the cheating fucker along. The marriage would be well dead in my eyes.