Can a marriage survive infidelity

[Feelingsadandlonely]

15 months ago, do confessed to a 9 month affair. We split up initially but I quickly (maybe too quickly with hindsight) wanted to make a go of things. We have 3 dc and 15 years of marriage.
Prior to the affair things weren’t great and I accept that my mood swings (menopause) was one of the causes of his unhappiness. Still no excuse for an affair but I accept my part in the marriage being bad.
Anyway we’ve had individual counselling, we’ve had joint counselling and we've done all the ‘right’ things to put our marriage back on track.
But I’m finding it so hard to forgive. I accept it’s happened, I’m trying not to be a victim and let the affair ruin my life but I just can’t feel the same for him. He hurt me so much with his lies and betrayal and I’m not sure I can put my trust in him again for fear of being hurt.
Some days it feels like nothing is left. We still love each other but it’s not enough is it? I don’t like the person he was during the affair and although he hasn’t been that person for 15 months I’m just not sure I can get past it.
I think our marriage is over. We’ve tried so hard to fix things for us and the kids but it feels like the affair has done irreparable damage.
Has anyone got any words of advice?

It's like if you smash a cup or mirror etc that was once perfectly whole. You can try and glue it back together, but it'll never be the same.

OP, the reasons you give for being reticent for splitting are the same ones he should have applied before embarking on a 9 month affair; the same reasoning we all make when we remain faithful to our partner; he can't be trusted, you know this, he does not value you, you also know this, what happens next time you both hit a rocky patch, same thing?

I'd also tell him a break but would plan for it to be permanent, I wouldn't afford him any consideration, just like he played you for 9 months with deception and lies.

You can do better!

Really good link
www.couplesconference.com/CC2016/?wpfb_dl=25

If we’d split because things weren’t great then fair enough but I hate that we’re potentially splitting because of his actions.

But the affair happened because HE viewed your marriage as not great, hence his actions. Now he’s taken away from you, part of your self worth, the marriage you thought you had and your trust.
He’s moved forward with you which is what we can assume he wants. But you are left moving forward with an incomplete basis of marriage, trying to trust that you are and will be the only one.
What has your dh lost that will genuinely feel like a consequence to him.

The numerous times we have to force ourselves to be ‘amasing’, forgiving, desireable, for fear of it happening again.
The pressure of ‘not asking about something’ for fear of looking like a jealous insecure nutter.

I was one of those who proudly felt we were one of the rare couples who can survive this. Just because others split up, doesn’t mean we should. People make mistakes. People can change.....But inside, when left alone with my own thoughts, it would poison me, over and over again. It’s hard because you can’t escape your own head, your own thoughts and feelings.

I genuinely hope in time you can start to build yourself back up again so you know your value.
Your dh is an incredibly lucky man. I so hope he knows it.

Thanks again everyone for your words of wisdom and that link pockybot.

Mine didn't.

I'm now engaged to the most wonderful man that gives me nothing to worry about.

The end for me was when I found a vagina set toy and I hand delivered it to him at work by lobbing it at him across his office.

Hi I’m answer to your worries about time apart from your children and holiday. I have three boys and when we first split they would still think we would do some holidays together. It didn’t happen of course, but we parent amicably, we have joint custody and over time they accept both of us aren’t going to do things together. They have a great time at each other’s houses, I think I have a closer relationship with them than before and I don’t feel guilty to say I do enjoy the weekends apart on that I can be old me again. I mourn my old life a lot and there are times I feel awful for not being with them everyday, but in all honesty it works!

Mine didn't.

We had counselling, which was nothing short of torture, but we did it.

I couldn't get past it. I was so devastate by the lies, deception, sharing of his life with someone else and the complete removal of trust that I couldn't ever imagine myself being physically or mentally intimate with him again. All of it not helped by the fact she gave him Chlamydia.

However, I have friends who have negotiated their way through it, so we are all unique and circumstances vary too. I always thought I could see past a drunken one night stand but a 5 month affair was too much for me.

Fran, I worry I’ll mourn my old life too. It’s not so much that I’m scared of being alone but I’m scared of the effect it’ll have in tne kids. I’m scared to make that step because once I do there’s no coming back.
So although I feel I can’t carry on with him I also feel that I’m not ready to leave yet and I feel stuck in limbo. I’m not happy but I’m not desperately unhappy all the time either. I have days where I feel miserable but I have days where I feel joy.
It’s all so shit.

MN is full of stories where it has survived with appropriate action.
In RL, I have never once known a couple to split up due to an affair. Never once. I do not think it happens in the real world. Most plod on unhappy and moaning about each other. I know 1 couple where he has been caught on 4 separate occasions having affairs- still they are together. Unhappy, but together.
IME, off MN, ALL survive infidelity.

OP, I’ve been in a similar position to you. We initially split, then got back together and tried to make things work but I ended up feeling the same way you did. I couldn’t believe he was willing to risk everything for a bit of attention and sex, that he didn’t for one second consider the impact on me and our young DC.

I couldn’t trust him anymore and was forever reading his messages/ emails (with his permission) and following him around on the ‘find your friends’ app, wondering what he was up to. It got to the point where I realised I didn’t want to live like that. I was so resentful of him that I could barely be civil and realised that I couldn’t in my heart say it was better for the kids for us to stay together.

We have separated and he has recently moved out. I’m desperately sad that I won’t get to see my kids every day but I can’t condemn myself to a life of misery for the next 15-20 years, until they leave home. And actually, sadness about the kids aside, I am happier. That gnawing, anxious feeling in my stomach has disappeared and I’m making plans for my new single life. It’s not what I would have chosen but for me I can’t see a way back and I’ve reached a level of acceptance that this is the way it has to be. Good luck.

The marriage may survive it but I doubt it will thrive now.

Why should you have to go through this for bare survival of a relationship with someone who is fundamentally preoccupied and untrustworthy?

It's easy for him to blame you rather than take ownership for the fact he just fancied getting his end away in something different though right?

Fuck.that.