Hi, if anyone can help me get some perspective on this awful situation I'm in I'd really appreciate it!
Bit of background, together for 13 years, married for 9. I have one grown up daughter from a previous relationship, I had her very young. We have been trying to have children for years (even though I have never been sure if I wanted anymore, having dd at 19, being a single parent, post natal depression and zero support kind of put me off!) and have now moved on to using donor eggs as ivf using my own eggs failed.
Husband never seemed too bothered about having children but I guess his age (41) has made him realise how important it is to him to have them.
He is a very complex person who on the outside and to other people is charming, kind, outgoing, considerate. At home he is very distant, tells me he isn't happy, depressed, he has been like this for years, before infertility was an issue. There were plenty of good times but lots of lows.
Now he is blaming the fact that he may never be a father on his depression. I keep telling him that having a baby isn't going to be the magical cure he is looking for and that he needs to deal with his problems by seeing someone as I can't help him anymore, I've tried to counsel and help him for years but it doesn't seem to help and he refuses to see a counsellor .
I am really not fussed about having more children, but I guess I'm lucky and I've had one, he always says I will never understand what he is going through as I have dd..
I also worry that I can't trust him, he is like a Jekyll and Hyde, has cheated on me in the past and can be emotionally abusive.
When he told me he would never be happy without children, I panicked and agreed to use donor eggs to give him the child he so desperately wants. We had 2 frozen embryos made with his sperm and a donor egg from an anonymous donor. We found out just before Xmas that our first attempt failed. During the 2 week wait he was amazing, attentive, happy, kind, nice, just normal!
Since we found out treatment failed he has been pretty awful since.... distant, acting like he just didn't want to be with me anymore.
Last night he told me the spark is gone and couldn't say for sure if he still wants to be married to me but he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. I've told him to grow a pair and to just fucking tell me if he wants to end it. I'm exhausted by him and his moods.
He woke up this morning and wanted cuddles/sex (that didn't happen obvs) and saying he thinks we should try the second embryo but I've told him no, we aren't in the right place to even be thinking about having kids and why the hell is he messing with my head like this.
I've had a lot to deal with with all the hormones and coming to terms with having to use a donor egg and have felt alone in the whole process as he just can't stand to see me being ill (with the hormones) or deal with the fact we can't 'just have a baby'.
My head is a mess, I have cried so many tears over this gorgeous, complicated man that I love. He is destroying me, I am feeling insecure and unloved. The family unit that we made isn't enough for him, my daughter adores him and him her but this isn't enough for him.
I am at the end of my tether. Living with a depressed person is exhausting. Walking on eggshells, feeling rejected I'm exhausted by him.
I am 45 this year and terrified of walking away from our marriage and lovely home but I'm starting to think that is what I need to do.
He earns quite a lot of money and controls the finances, I have a part time job that wouldn't support me financially if i left.
The thought of him meeting someone else and having children with them is soul destroying.
Do I walk away from our lovely house, friends and 13 years and start again?
Has anyone else been in a similar situation and come through the other side?
Thanks for reading.