Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says spark has gone but still wants me to have fertility treatment with donor egg....

55 replies

Sadsoph · 13/01/2019 15:53

Hi, if anyone can help me get some perspective on this awful situation I'm in I'd really appreciate it!

Bit of background, together for 13 years, married for 9. I have one grown up daughter from a previous relationship, I had her very young. We have been trying to have children for years (even though I have never been sure if I wanted anymore, having dd at 19, being a single parent, post natal depression and zero support kind of put me off!) and have now moved on to using donor eggs as ivf using my own eggs failed.

Husband never seemed too bothered about having children but I guess his age (41) has made him realise how important it is to him to have them.

He is a very complex person who on the outside and to other people is charming, kind, outgoing, considerate. At home he is very distant, tells me he isn't happy, depressed, he has been like this for years, before infertility was an issue. There were plenty of good times but lots of lows.

Now he is blaming the fact that he may never be a father on his depression. I keep telling him that having a baby isn't going to be the magical cure he is looking for and that he needs to deal with his problems by seeing someone as I can't help him anymore, I've tried to counsel and help him for years but it doesn't seem to help and he refuses to see a counsellor .

I am really not fussed about having more children, but I guess I'm lucky and I've had one, he always says I will never understand what he is going through as I have dd..

I also worry that I can't trust him, he is like a Jekyll and Hyde, has cheated on me in the past and can be emotionally abusive.

When he told me he would never be happy without children, I panicked and agreed to use donor eggs to give him the child he so desperately wants. We had 2 frozen embryos made with his sperm and a donor egg from an anonymous donor. We found out just before Xmas that our first attempt failed. During the 2 week wait he was amazing, attentive, happy, kind, nice, just normal!

Since we found out treatment failed he has been pretty awful since.... distant, acting like he just didn't want to be with me anymore.

Last night he told me the spark is gone and couldn't say for sure if he still wants to be married to me but he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. I've told him to grow a pair and to just fucking tell me if he wants to end it. I'm exhausted by him and his moods.

He woke up this morning and wanted cuddles/sex (that didn't happen obvs) and saying he thinks we should try the second embryo but I've told him no, we aren't in the right place to even be thinking about having kids and why the hell is he messing with my head like this.

I've had a lot to deal with with all the hormones and coming to terms with having to use a donor egg and have felt alone in the whole process as he just can't stand to see me being ill (with the hormones) or deal with the fact we can't 'just have a baby'.

My head is a mess, I have cried so many tears over this gorgeous, complicated man that I love. He is destroying me, I am feeling insecure and unloved. The family unit that we made isn't enough for him, my daughter adores him and him her but this isn't enough for him.

I am at the end of my tether. Living with a depressed person is exhausting. Walking on eggshells, feeling rejected I'm exhausted by him.

I am 45 this year and terrified of walking away from our marriage and lovely home but I'm starting to think that is what I need to do.

He earns quite a lot of money and controls the finances, I have a part time job that wouldn't support me financially if i left.

The thought of him meeting someone else and having children with them is soul destroying.

Do I walk away from our lovely house, friends and 13 years and start again?

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and come through the other side?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadsoph · 13/01/2019 18:01

Hi Pockybot yes we had a session with the clinic's counsellor, I found it really helpful and it gave me the safe space i needed to tell him i had told my daughter about the treatment - he didnt want me to tell anyone what we were doing. Male pride I guess. but he wouldn't see the counsellor again.
He's been out all day and is turning on the charm offensive... these cycles have been happening for years... He pushes me to the brink of leaving by being mean and nasty and when I say I've had enough old nice husband comes back for a day or so before it all goes to shit again....
Nightmare 😣

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadsoph · 13/01/2019 18:06

Mummy2017 yep, that spark is out right now.

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 13/01/2019 18:27

He's been out all day and is turning on the charm offensive... these cycles have been happening for years

Are you familiar with the "cycle of abuse"?

OP, I'm really sorry but the "gorgeous, complicated man you love" is an abusive, controlling partner and you need to leave the relationship.

He controls the money, tells you who you can and cannot confide in, you are scared of his reactions if you have to tell him something difficult, he blames you for not fixing his depression (by having a baby), he is unkind to you unless you are pregnant, he uses his moods to control and punish you, etc.

You will probably say "he's not as bad as that makes him sound" - I would be willing to bet that he is, in fact, much much worse. You will be justifying and minimising the worst of his behaviour, even to yourself.

I know it's never as easy as LTB but you are better off away from this man.

Original poster
Sadsoph · 13/01/2019 19:00

Hi FineWords you are absolutely right.
This has been happening for years... the abuse was much worse several years ago, a lot of punching walls, smashing laptops etc. Telling me how lucky I was to have him, because really my life was so shit before I met him.
There are countless examples of shitty things he has done but the worst was cheating on me with an ex from university. I found a message from her and confronted him ... I will never forget him screaming at me that I was mad and have mental health problems and that I'm paranoid. It turns out that he spent the night in a hotel with her and a few days later spent the night with her in her home town which is 2 hours from us when he'd told me he was too tired to drive home from his mum's a further hour away.... I should have left him then but apparently he was going to kill himself if I left and had a complete breakdown.
I just don't know where I'm going to find the strength to leave him... but I hope I will x

OP posts:
AntiHop · 13/01/2019 19:06

My advice is end the relationship. You're not desperate to have another child. Having a baby is exhausting even with a supportive partner. If you have a baby now you'll be in a financially vulnerable position for years to come and it will be much harder to leave him. And you'll be tied to him and his emotionally abuse ways forever.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 13/01/2019 19:06

Yup we are always the "paranoid/mentally ill/ unstable" ones. But we actually aren't.

Focus on what's important and build around that x

ohamIreally · 13/01/2019 19:07

Oh my fucking god this has got to be one of the most outrageous things I've seen on here.
He is using you as an unpaid surrogate for his child with all the risks that pregnancy and birth entail at 45.
The chances are high that you will end up a single mother again with a child that isn't even biologically your own.
I have come across people who are desperate to have children and it rarely is the answer they think it will be. You know this yourself.

Please don't do this and don't waste any more of your life with this person.

WingsofNylon · 13/01/2019 19:18

You don't really want another child and this man is horrid to you (Yes yes, he may well be nice sometimes but it doesn't erase the bad).

Please please walk away. Neither of you are happy. Just stop. He isn't 'complicated' just because he is one way to acquaintances (nice) and another to you (horrible). That's just a sign that he doesn't much like or respect you. Give both of you the chance to find someone else.

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/01/2019 19:34

First and foremost please, for sanity's sake stop trying to have a child with this piece of work...

If you have his child he will have a choke hold over you until the day you die...you will be burning the last bridge to freedom

All that emotional abuse you've experienced at his hands....Don't think for a second the child won't experience it too as soon as they're old enough to answer back.

People who genuinely want to kill themselves don't go around announcing it....Kinda defeats the object if someone can stop you.

Hold on to the last bit of power you have and stop the fertility treatment before the last escape hatch from shit street is sealed shut.

Stop the treatment and start planning your exit before it's too late!

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 13/01/2019 19:34

I should have left him then but apparently he was going to kill himself if I left and had a complete breakdown.

Oh yes. Straight out of the abuser/controller handbook. It's not you as a person they want to hang on to you see, it's the control.They're terrified of having no one to control.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 13/01/2019 19:35

*They're terrified

Original poster
Sadsoph · 13/01/2019 19:51

So he came home to talk and sort things out. What he actually did is changed into his jeans and went straight out to the pub. He did ask me to go but I can't pretend to friends there that I'm ok.
I've packed an emergency bag and am trying to sort out somewhere to go.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 13/01/2019 19:57

How will he continue to earn a lot of money if he has overriding responsibility for a child you don't even really want? Cuz he'd be taking on the role of primary carer right, if you split? Ask him that, should focus his attention quickly! History has shown you men don't take these desperately wanted DC with them when relationships fail. Move on.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 13/01/2019 20:04

@Sadsoph I'm glad to hear you are sorting a place to go to. You desperately need space and respite out of this horrendous situation. Good luck.

losingfaith · 13/01/2019 20:13

So sorry you're going though throw op. As you well know ivf is a horribly invasive and painful process which takes its toll on your body both mentally and physically. On top of this he is treating you appallingly. Im stunned he has opted for the pub rather than speaking with you - He appears to think he's conditioned you to keep in line (historic treatment / !behaviour) and you'll readily agree to continue the gruelling ivf process. Hope you have somewhere to go.

wheresthehope · 13/01/2019 20:22

Could you imagine how you would feel if he treated a future child you may have with this man the way he treats you?
Be strong, You deserve better.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 13/01/2019 20:35

What a bastard. What a terrible thing to do to your partner of so many years. Do not have anymore fertility treatment with this man. I’m so sorry OP.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/01/2019 20:39

He’s abusive and manipulative. You’re not responsible for his happiness. It would be the worst idea ever to have a child with this horrible man.

GeorgeTheHippo · 13/01/2019 20:40

You poor thing. Whatever you do, you can't possibly have a baby but I think you already know that. You'd have a child until almost retirement age and even if you weren't actually a single parent I don't see you getting much support. Take your time over ending the relationship, there's no rush.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 13/01/2019 20:51

You poor thing. He sounds awful.

I agree with the poster who said he wants to use you as a baby vessel.

You do not sound like you have had a good and happy relationship. Good luck with packing your things / moving out and stay strong Flowers

SandyY2K · 13/01/2019 21:02

So...
He cheated.
He gaslighted you.
He threatened suicide
He emotionally abuses you
He's depressed

I'm thinking you'll be happier without him.

If you had a baby...he would leave you. Or you'd finally have enough of the abuse.

Truth is... many men would be happy to date you...as you have a grown up DD and they won't be playing stepdad.

You sound far too nice to put up with his nonsense.

MrsTerryPratcett · 13/01/2019 21:26

You will probably say "he's not as bad as that makes him sound" - I would be willing to bet that he is, in fact, much much worse. You will be justifying and minimising the worst of his behaviour, even to yourself.

So much this.

Glad to hear you're packing a bag. Find a way out. Flowers

ohamIreally · 13/01/2019 21:29

He's gone to the pub. And that's exactly what he'd do when his newborn baby is crying and he can't cope with it.

youaremyrain · 13/01/2019 21:32

Thank god you didn't have a child with him!

Pantsomime · 13/01/2019 21:36

Bin him, he may be able to assign poor frozen foetus to another womb!! It really is that bad- think of the child to be - don’t do it