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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother found out his dad isn't mine

37 replies

Fruityfanta · 13/01/2019 15:50

This is quite a complicated sitation but basically it started off when my DB was born (he's now 12 and I'm 19), my parents thought it was best my brother never knew about my biological dad, that he believed we were full siblings. I was told to call my stepdad "dad" around him, being quite young still at the time I didn't really question it and just went along with it. I slip up sometimes, DB has noticed that I call my stepdad by his name sometimes but I just do it as a joke or when I'm angry at him. But the other day I completely forgot he in the room, I don't get on well with my stepdad most the time and we were having another silly argument when I mentioned him not being my dad. This obviously confused DB, stepdad left the room and told me it was problem to deal with so I explained everything to DB. He seemed okay with it but then avoided me for days and when I tried to speak to him earlier he said "if mum and dad weren't going to tell me you could have, you didn't have to lie to me". It obviously a lot of take in for him but I don't understand why I'm getting the blame, my mum is annoyed with me too, yes I'm the one who let the truth slip out but I didn't make up the lie in the first place

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 13/01/2019 15:55

I think you need to be clear that you aren't going to take the blame for your DM and stepdad's decision to hide the truth from your brother made when you were a young child. This is their mess and they need to step up and sort it out.

gambaspilpil · 13/01/2019 16:00

That’s a tricky one. Your DM should never have put you in this position without you agreeing to it. Therefore they need to deal with their DS. The decision was there’s not yours and given you don’t like the step dad I am not surprised it slipped out. I have a slightly different but similar situation in that my eldest isn’t my OH but my eldest doesn’t want his siblings to know that their dad isn’t his biological too. His own father isn’t on the scene and hasn’t been since he was 3 but I know we are going to have to have the big conversation with his siblings at some point. It’s the PIL that’s are likely to slip up

queenrollo · 13/01/2019 16:23

This is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to pick up the pieces.
I was 13 when I found out my 'dad' was actually my stepdad.
I was then implicit in perpetuating this lie as it was made clear that my sister (4 years younger than me) must not find out.

She didn't find out until she was 19, and a situation arose where I had to give my mum an ultimatum to tell her - because she was going to find out anyway.

I guess you have some hard emotional stuff ahead of you, but please remember - they were adults who expected you as a CHILD to keep a really big secret. It was unfair of them, it was unfair to you and you are NOT to blame.
This is all on them. If they are like my parents, they will never admit or accept that.

Chocolate50 · 13/01/2019 16:41

You can't take responsibility for this OP.
That's really unfair on you as a child and as an adult- not sure why they are expecting you to keep this to yourself. I can only imagine that they expected the lie to go on & on

sarahjconnor · 13/01/2019 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaViewBliss · 13/01/2019 16:46

I have a friend in this situation only she is 35 and her DB is 29. She is in constant turmoil and her Mum makes it really clear that she will be cut off if she says anything.

She is very close to telling him and prepared to cut contact with her DPs if necessary. It could all have been avoided if he’d just been told years ago when he was young. The issue now isn’t about who her Dad is but the deceit that has gone on for so long.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/01/2019 16:51

That’s a really shitty position to put a 6/7 year old in.

Your brother is entitled to reacted in any which way to shocking news. He’s feelings will probably change as he processes it and as an adult hopefully he will see it in the light that it is.

Your mum and stepdad are dicks.

Boysandbuses · 13/01/2019 16:57

To be fair is right you could have told him. But it's worth explaining to him that yes you could. But you are still only 19 yourself. You were told to do this as a child and didn't understand that it wasn't the best thing.

I would also explain (because I imagine this is true) that as you consider and realised that it had gone on so long you didn't know what to do.

But your mum and step dad are the ones to blame. They put a child in a shitty position and it was bound to come out eventually.

nocoolnamesleft · 13/01/2019 17:02

You were placed in an impossible position as a child. None of this is your fault.

ajandjjmum · 13/01/2019 17:11

Secrets within a family will always come out. This is not a situation of your making OP, and I think it's really tough that you've been put in this position.

Original poster
Fruityfanta · 13/01/2019 17:19

Do you not see your dad?
No I've only met him properly and spoken to him once and that was a few years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruityfanta · 13/01/2019 17:22

I do worry that this will effect the relationship between me and my brother, we're very close and I think he had known from the start it wouldn't have bothered him at all, I think it's just the fact that he's been lied to his whole life so I completely understand why he's react like that

OP posts:
sue51 · 13/01/2019 17:24

You have done nothing wrong. Its your mother and step father's responsibility to explain and talk about this to your brother. Its always wrong to make a child responsible for hiding the truth.

gambaspilpil · 13/01/2019 17:29

fruityfanta that’s what my eldest DS worries about. He doesn’t want his siblings viewing him differently and is really anxious about them knowing. My OH and I are clear that they need to know the truth and we need to sort it out ASAP. I have no doubt my DD will not be surprised as she has seen the way the PIL treat my eldest

ILoveChristmasLights · 13/01/2019 17:32

Give him some time. He’s allowed to feel hurt that he’s been lied to, he will come to understand it’s not your fault. Remind him you were only 6/7 and didn’t have any choice and then didn’t know what to do. In the nicest possible way, you’re still only a ternager yourself.

Do other people know he’s your SD? Did they do it to ‘protect’ your mothers ‘reputation’ or what? I can understand if a child doesn’t want people to know, but I can’t understand why your Mum made you lie. It’s horrible.

sarahjconnor · 13/01/2019 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveChristmasLights · 13/01/2019 17:41

gambas. I feel for your DS, I understand him not wanting them to know, not wanting them to think he’s different or ‘less’ to their Dad than they are. But, you have to make him understand that YOU cannot keep lying to his siblings. He wouldn’t want to be lied to would he?

I was 14 when my Grandad died, something was mentioned about my Dad’s oldest sister not being my Grandad’s (not in a nasty way at all - something to do with a genetic issue) and I was 😳😳😳. WHAT? I didn’t say anything at the time but later when I brought up how hurt I was that no one had told me, they hadn’t realised I hadn’t known. It was never ‘a secret’ and because we were all so close and other than the sperm she’s was every bit my Grandad’s daughter like the others. But I was SO hurt for a while to think they’d kept this secret and that was about my AUNTY. Not me or my sibling.

gambaspilpil · 13/01/2019 17:57

Ilovechristmaslights I agree with you completely. I feel for my DS as he is really worried his siblings will view him differently. He is 23 and they are a lot younger. I am planning to tell my middle two. The youngest DC wouldn’t understand what is going on as he is 4 and loves his older DB!

MitziK · 13/01/2019 18:06

Does that mean you did the 'YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER' line?

Not good - irrespective of any younger siblings being within earshot - because it completely dismisses everything he has done (which sounds like a damn sight more than the man who provided half your DNA did). Or that part of the 'call me Dad' could have been so you didn't feel left out when the baby arrived/because he was fully prepared to be your Dad.

Sounds like there are at least two people who have been hurt by this.

Maelstrop · 13/01/2019 18:07

Very unfair on you and your mum and stepdad need to step up and deal with this. It's really not your problem, it's completely their responsibility.

OldWomanSaysThis · 13/01/2019 18:13

You kept their little secret while you were a minor child, but you are an adult now and you don't have to do that anymore. You can shine lights wherever you want to now - the beauty of being an adult. I would just own it - "Yeah, I revealed your lie. So what?"

Original poster
Fruityfanta · 13/01/2019 18:29

@MitziK "dismisses everything he has done" why are you assuming he's done anything for me? He asked me to call him dad specifically around my brother. Yes I did the "you're not my dad" line, after he'd been insulting me and laughing in my face for atleast an hour and then asked me to do something for him because "he's my dad" so I snapped at him

OP posts:
MitziK · 13/01/2019 22:06

Ah, I was mistaken.

I thought I was dealing with an adult here. Not somebody who likes to win arguments irrespective of the consequences for others.

gambaspilpil · 13/01/2019 22:17

Mitzik I think your being rather unfair. The Op has been placed in a situation she doesn’t like or want and doesn’t like her step father. So I am not surprised she did the ‘your not my father line’ I have used that myself when I was younger with my own step dad. Which I regret now but I didn’t have to worry about other siblings hearing in case the big lie came out! It’s shit that two adults decided this was the way forward and got a young child to collude with the lies and then leave her to deal
With the aftermath when the truth came out as that’s her fault too! Nice

Loka123 · 13/01/2019 22:25

This is not your fault at all - you had no choice but to go along with what your mum was asking you to do at that age. Perhaps she did it to spare your brother's feelings or at least had the intention to but in the long run, if he grew up knowing he's your stepdad but his dad, it wouldn't have come as shocker when getting to know this at the age of 12 when he has proper conscious thought, capability to feel betrayed etc. so you're not in the wrong and it's way better he found out now than e.g. at age 30.

Also, you're brother will get over it I'm sure - not like you've told him the man he thought was his dad, isn't. That would be much harder to cope with. The last person he should be annoyed/angry at is you.

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