My brother found out his dad isn't mine

[Fruityfanta]

This is quite a complicated sitation but basically it started off when my DB was born (he's now 12 and I'm 19), my parents thought it was best my brother never knew about my biological dad, that he believed we were full siblings. I was told to call my stepdad "dad" around him, being quite young still at the time I didn't really question it and just went along with it. I slip up sometimes, DB has noticed that I call my stepdad by his name sometimes but I just do it as a joke or when I'm angry at him. But the other day I completely forgot he in the room, I don't get on well with my stepdad most the time and we were having another silly argument when I mentioned him not being my dad. This obviously confused DB, stepdad left the room and told me it was problem to deal with so I explained everything to DB. He seemed okay with it but then avoided me for days and when I tried to speak to him earlier he said "if mum and dad weren't going to tell me you could have, you didn't have to lie to me". It obviously a lot of take in for him but I don't understand why I'm getting the blame, my mum is annoyed with me too, yes I'm the one who let the truth slip out but I didn't make up the lie in the first place

Oh my days!
Firstly, this is NOT your fault.
Secondly, it’s the parents fault and their lie.
Your poor brother. He must feel so hurt right now and confused.
The parents should never have put this on you to tell him. That’s appalling.
I really feel for you though. I’d never tell my children to call my dh Dad.
I can’t imagine why you all couldn’t live with the truth.
Some of my children have a different dad, they all know and always have done. They never refer to each other as half siblings. All really close.

Take no notice of unkind posts on here. Some people enjoy reaching deep down when they respond and TALK OUT THERE ARSE.

Give your brother time to think about things. He will come round. The parents should be sorting this out for you both.

I think you were placed in a very difficult position and none of this is your fault.

Aged 12 your db should understand in time.

Having seen children use it to hit back at somebody, I notice that the SF didn't reply with the obvious answer of 'Just as well, isn't it, as your real one isn't anywhere to be seen?'. He managed to bite it back. It's what adults do - try to not hurt people.

And maybe it would have been better for her if, like her real father, he wasn’t? A stepfather isn’t good solely on the virtue of ‘taking on’ a child, god knows there are terrible step parents out there.

This isn’t your fault OP, your mother and stepfather should never, ever have put you in that position of having to lie in the first place.

MitziK. You’re full of tripe. Jog on.

Gambas he’s 23?! ...the ‘middle two’ are much younger. Unless he has SN, then he needs to be the ADULT he is and realise that you lying to the other 3 is not fair on them or you. It will cause problems already. I know it’s not easy, but I’d tell him that you’re going to tell them when the time is right and I’d do just that. I wouldn’t make it a big ‘sit down I’ve got something I need to tell you’ thing, but I’d make sure that I’d be home for the next few hours if they had any questions, then engineer a way of dropping it into the conversation. Depends on their ages and personalities.

Best of luck 💐

Mitzik, you are trying to hurt the OP...a 19 year old girl who has come here for help. And you have the cheek to say she isn't behaving like an adult??? Do you have a mirror handy?
Spiteful.

queenrollo, I was in a very similar situation to you, found out whe I was eleven and dm and my 'dad' were splitting up that he wasn't my dad(dm first husband was my dad, I didn't even know she'd been marriex before!). She wouldn't tell me anything apart from his name, she wouldn't have told me but I'd worked it out for myself and questioned her.

It was made plain to me that I was not to tell my stepfather that I knew or my dsis. I finally told my stepfather that I knew when I was about 14, he said he was glad I knew and I got the impression that he had wanted to tell me but my dm was not someone you crossed. I told my dsis a couple of years later when it was obvious noone else would, it actually brought us closer as she felt it was unfair that dm would not tell me anything.

When I was 18 I forced my dm to tell me more and trace my dad, I found out who I looked like( one of the reasons I worked things out-I do not look like dm or stepfather at all, very dark while they were v fair!). I do blame to some to degree my ddad who I am v close to now for not being there but I know my dm was the driving force behind it all and she was not someone to cross

Talk to brother and be honest with him now. I’m sure he’s no stranger to your family dynamic so won’t be too shocked at the behaviour of your Mum and her H.

You were young and put in a terrible position by adults who should have known better. Apologise to him (your Mum and his Dad probably won’t), he wants the deceit to be acknowledged more than to a portion blame. Your openess now will strengthen your relationship.

MitziK
We have no idea the entire conversation. OP isn’t required to transcribe it. You just sound ignorant of how nuanced a relationship can be. And nowhere in this do we get the impression that the stepfather is a great one. And I’m not sure how that’s the part of the story your really focusing on...

Wow @MitziK sounds like you have some issues...

How about you don't take it out on the OP? You have NO idea on the relationship or the conversations that took place

Could just have easily been, I love you SD, I wish you were my bio dad??
But as the OP said, he wasn't a great SD, more of a 'glad you're not my bio dad'

As a general comment, I can understand and sympathise with why these situations arise, but surely it is better to be honest in an age appropriate way from the word go. A child learning that their Daddy came along and chose to be their Daddy has to be a very positive message, rather than the implications of secrets/no blood link/taking on a burden message that could be portrayed by a big reveal later surely?