What to do

[sunngirl890]

Ladies I need some advice please on what to do.

So, me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years (we don't live together). Last night, we went out for dinner and drinks and then came back to mine for the night. We got into bed and as things started he asked if he could video me whilst giving him oral sex.

He has asked about this in the past and I do trust him 100% so have said I'd think about it. but I don't like the way I look (looks and body) and for something like that, I feel like I need to be ready for it and not just put on the spot about it.

So last night I wasn't ready, I was bloated from the evening, I had been at work all day and I was tired so I said no. He made a big deal about it, turned over and went to sleep, so I did the same.

This morning, he blamed me, saying I was the one who had got funny over the situation, and he only turned over because he was tired. He initiated things in the first place so couldn't of been that tired?! I told him why I said no and all he said was ' just blame me for everything then like always'. The way I see it is, if he didn't have a problem with me saying no, he wouldn't of just turned over and gone to sleep?

I feel like if I say no to something, he should just accept the fact I said no and wait till I'm ready to do it? He has left mine this morning and we haven't spoken, and I don't feel like I should be the first to make contact?

Any helpful advice on how to handle this will be great please. I've thought about sending him a message about how I feel and why I said no but again, I don't want to be the one to make contact first, I'm pretty upset over how he's handled it. TIA :)

May I ask how old you are? What did you learn also about relationships when you were growing up?.

He sounds utterly appalling towards you and what would he have done with this footage?. I doubt very much he would have kept this to himself and its more than likely that it would be on the internet for others to view in no time flat. You were right to say no again but he has got nasty with you for saying this as a result. He is projecting his own self onto you as well, he caused this to happen but blames you for not doing as he wanted.

I would text him its over and that this relationship is no longer working for you. Thankfully you and he do not live together so separation will be easier. Then block and delete all methods of his being able to contact you.

Dump him

I expect any video will be shared elsewhere if you split

We are both 25, he has said in the past the video would be for him only and it's something different to try. I know he could be lying but after 4 years, I'd like to think he isn't.

I'm just really confused now oh how to handle it, I don't want to end it but maybe I should 🤷🏽‍♀️

It's much easier as you don't live with him.

I don't expect you thought he could be a sexually coercive nobhead either. But he is.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

It's all very well and good if it's something you want to do together, but for him to behave that way over it is a massive red flag. I'm sure my DH would like one too, but it's not happening and not something that's more than a passing comment and laugh about.

I think u need to speak to him about it. Probably face to face.

If u don't want to do it, tell him and he'll need to accept it. If he doesn't then where does the relationship go from there ?
It's a big thing for him to ask personally I couldn't let someone video me but each to their own. But if u do want to do it it has to be on ur terms.
Tell him his immature attitude of turning over cos he didn't get what he wanted is pathetic and for him then to try and blame he was tired is just lies.

He must think you were born yesterday if he expects you to believe that the images would be solely for him. Do not be a mug here, dump this sexually coercive guy and work on raising your own relationship bar here a lot higher going forward. Look properly too and what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up; it may well be that some revision is needed here.

You should end it OP. Find yourself a decent man. Eugh!

Yeah I've seen a few videos of friends of friends etc. He will show the video.

Don't you dare budge for a video during sex, you will regret it in the future. Why vouch for him by saying you trust him 100%? He turned over because you said no, claiming to be "tired", so if you had agreed, he'd have had all the energy and strength in the world doing the deed whilst filming.
DO NOT TEXT HIM, you owe him no explanation, he has his agenda. Watch him change the day/ night you give in to his blimming request/ fantasy and eventually dump you.
Be wise OP and put him in his place and if this is an issue ( which really is), just let him go mate. You've done nothing wrong, stand your ground!

Expect as a definite thing EVERY video of you will be shared. Even if it's not deliberately malicious, a person could share the video when drunk/when showing off/phone lost.

This isn't acceptable behaviour and you know it. If this is how he is behaving about this, i bet you have lots of other examples of his deeply childish treatment of you.

Blaming you for not wanting to do something you are uncomfortable with which is very very personal and exposing is disgraceful. You are young, move on to a good, mature man. There are lots of them.

Agree, he will deffo be the type to show his mates. Probably deeply insecure himself, needs to be the big man. I too have seen these types showing vids of their poor girlfriends to their mates. They are always blokes that have zero emotional intelligence and lack any insight or true care for their partner. Its all about them.

His reaction to your refusal say it all, Op

If he cared about you he wouldn't try to coerce you into something that makes you uncomfortable. Start to distance yourself now.

I don’t want to appear stupid ...... Why does he want to video you doing a sex act?

It is something for you both to enjoy not for him to video. He sounds immature - say NO, tell him if he mentions anything regards videoing your sex life again you are DONE/OVER.

Dump him.

The video would not have remained private. Revenge porn is a massive problem. And someone as petulant and silky as that would have NO hesitation in using it to punish and humiliate you.

It’s a controlling thing. Once he has it, you have to dance to his tune. Becuase what if got kissed off and decided to show his mates ad punishment or pop it online?

The fact that he has asked is a reason to end it.

Ha, sulky. I’m sure he isn’t silky.

*what if he got pissed off

Arse.

Videos or pics are dicey to begin with, because you lose all control over that content the second it's on any location other than your own phone or computer.

Really the biggest problem is that his response to "Shall we try this new thing for fun?" being refused is to sulk. And not just for a few minutes, but into the next day as well.

Any sex act which a partner suggests should be greeted with enthusiasm by the other partner, or disregarded. Not mentioned repeatedly until one person gives in.

Don’t do it!!!

Bin the prick!

Er just no!!

Definitely no. It’ll end up being shared sooner or later.

Gross-he’s sulking for you refusing to do something during a sex act. You do know he’s hoping next time that you’ll say yes so he doesn’t sulk? And he’ll keep pushing and pushing those boundaries?

For what it’s worth, I’ve never and would never agreed to be videod-and I’m married! Regardless of trusting partners etc etc just the fact there’s a video stored on a device freaks me out.

Say goodbye to this disrespectful idiot. Know that you’re better than a sulking, sexually coercive man and trust your gut in saying ‘no’. In fact practice saying it loudly and proudly ‘NO’ and enjoy the fact you respect yourself and your boundaries.