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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you see this man again?

35 replies

datingescapades · 13/01/2019 10:48

I've met a man from POF. We get on amazingly, he has a responsible job, lives locally, good looking . We had our first date last night. I have 2 DC, he has none.

The conversation got quite deep and he asked about why me and DC's father split up. I told him about ex's porn addiction, which led to a multitude of problems including ex lying, not having a sex life, my self esteem issues. All of which was unknown to me at the beginning of our relationship.

His face fell a bit, and he then said, 'I wouldn't usually say this so early, but in light of everything you've just said, it would be wrong not to.' He told me that when he was younger (10 years ago) his brother died in a horrendous traffic accident. He went off the rails for a while and began drinking and smoking weed, and had started dappling in cocaine but then realised he needed to stop and get help. This was over a 4 year period. He started seeing a counsellor and took himself off to a rehab centre abroad. He told me that it was good for him spiritually and mentally, taught him how to deal with his emotions, and he hasn't touched anything since then.

On the one hand I think it's very brave for him to admit to that, and it seems good he is being honest when he could've just said nothing. It's commendable he has gone and got himself clean, and in the circumstances I can understand why he might've turned to drink/drugs.
On the other hand, I have 2 DC to consider. I am very wary that he could be lying, or that this issue could creep up again in the future. What is to say he won't go through another difficult time and turn to it again.

I am so confused as to whether or not to have the 2nd date. If he hadn't of told me that I would have 100% seen him again. Am I just being overly cautious?

OP posts:

E20mom · 13/01/2019 10:52

If he was lying i doubt he'd have mentioned it at all.

crappyday2018 · 13/01/2019 10:52

I think you are 100% right to be cautious. I'm not sure the answer here. On one hand, it is really good he told you all this and got it out in the open - allowing you to make an informed decision before you take things further. On the other hand, addiction is always there and could potentially return further down the line.
I have 2DC too so that would worry me. I think it really boils down to how much you like him. If you do decide to see him again, take things very slowly and get to know him a bit more.

category12 · 13/01/2019 10:57

Holy cow, what's left to discuss on the second date, anyway?

Boysandbuses · 13/01/2019 10:59

I would have a second date. We all have a past.

One of my best friends used to be a heroin addict. She is now clean and has a very responsible job. Does talks to family of addicts, for the police all that stuff.

She is a wonderful person.

I would however, be conscious of this and watch for any signs of current use. Unfortunatly, addicts do lie.

But when you are firstly dating someone you should be vigilant anyway.

2cats2many · 13/01/2019 11:01

He sounds like he's put a lot of work in to himself and is more ready to deal with what life throws at him than people who've never taken a good look at themselves.

We all have a past. I'd see him again.

Original poster

datingescapades · 13/01/2019 11:10

Yes I do agree with what you have all said. Everyone has a past, and there has been a lot of drama surrounding me that if everyone knew they would think I must be culpable and would probably run a mile

With ex I had no idea about the porn addiction until we were settled and had children! So looking at it from a different perspective, what's to say that anyone you meet isn't hiding an addiction. At least he has been honest and upfront about it. I have to say I didn't get 'lying vibes' from him, he seemed very honest.

OP posts:

AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/01/2019 11:35

Too much, too heavy, too soon.

chordFire · 13/01/2019 11:40

He took a big risk telling you so soon. Proceed with caution but people do come back from this sort of thing stronger and better. He might have had a lot of rough edges knocked off from it. But keep alert to what your gut tells you.

Original poster

datingescapades · 13/01/2019 11:55

AFistfulofDolores1 Very true, but I don't think he would have mentioned it had it not been for me first talking about ex's addiction issues.

OP posts:

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 13/01/2019 12:02

Give him a chance. He's been open and honest telling you - better out now than 6 months down the line where you'd be back on here saying he's lied to you etc.
Everyone deserves a second chance to fix their mistakes.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 13/01/2019 12:03

I'm with fistful on this, however you obviously want to see him again but proceed with extreme caution.
Personally, as I have dc I would not be exposing my children to any potential issues this guy may bring in the future.

Sleepyquest · 13/01/2019 12:24

You want him to accept your past but you're not as willing to accept his. Bit unfair. Everyone has one, it matters what kind of man he is now not then.

MumsyJ · 13/01/2019 12:40

You've only been on one date, with second on the horizon. Dates are not commitment, you're still getting to know each other. Carry on with the date but be careful. If you both hit it off and establish your bf/ gf status, just support him and ensure he doesn't fall off the radar. Meantime, enjoy your date 🙂.

letsdolunch321 · 13/01/2019 12:48

I would see him again but be cautious as other posters have suggested. I assume you will be ultra sensitive to everything he says as of now - rightly so, we all have a past.

Keep all dates away from your home and children until you are happy to introduce home & children.

Good luck

AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/01/2019 13:37

It has the makings of codependency. I've been there.

Apileofballyhoo · 13/01/2019 13:42

I don't think there's any harm in getting to know him a little better. But proceed with caution - as I'm sure you would anyway having been burned before...

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/01/2019 13:55

I'm a sober alcoholic. I'd expect this fact to come up very early in dating. It's central to who I am. I'm fine with pubs occasionally but if a man wants someone to enjoy a drink with I'm not for him.

This guy has told you he's been in rehab. It would be wrong of him to conceal this. Being honest is critical to recovery though I imagine he told you this early because you had confided in him about something related to addiction. He wants no secrets. That suggests he's truly in recovery. A genuine guy.

I would see him again. You can always ask about his experience in rehab. His answers should reassure you. If they don't, or you sense a lack of openness, then would be the time to think again

ImNotKitten · 13/01/2019 16:00

I don’t think there’s any such thing as overly cautious, especially when you have DC to consider. Him being honest and upfront is a good sign though, and like you say someone else could be hiding issues until much further down the line.

Vitalogy · 13/01/2019 16:12

I'd give him another chance. Doesn't stop you from keeping your wits about you though.

Original poster

datingescapades · 13/01/2019 18:47

I am going to continue seeing him and see how it goes. I would never allow any man to meet DC until there was a massive level of seriousness and trust established anyway.

I know from personal experience that people can hide a massive part of their personality from you. I am taking it as a good sign that he has told me, it shows he is an open and honest man with (hopefully) nothing to hide.

OP posts:

partofthewind · 13/01/2019 18:55

That's fair enough. But do educate yourself on co-dependency. You're potentially going from a relationship with an addict (porn) to another relationship with an addict (even if he is in recovery). Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie might be interesting and relevant.

purpleelk · 13/01/2019 19:09

He might not really want be a step dad to two kids and is probably looking to date you rather than thinking about how you come as a package of 3... so it’s a bit presumptuous of you to be considering him marriage material and what impact his addiction might have on your kids. Maybe have a few more dates and be a bit less intense?

Original poster

datingescapades · 13/01/2019 19:28

purpleelk I don't think I have been intense? . I want to date him and see how it goes... but at the end of the day, of course you are going to think about something as big as that and what potential impact it could have on your relationship/DC in the future. We are both older, looking for a relationship, and I would possibly like more DC in the future. If you aren't on the same page as someone early on in dating them, what's the point?

OP posts:

purpleelk · 13/01/2019 20:09

The first time you met him you “....told him about ex's porn addiction, which led to a multitude of problems including ex lying, not having a sex life, my self esteem issues.”

You don’t think it’s intense to be telling this to a stranger on your first date? Um, ok. Well it is.

Pearlsandgems · 13/01/2019 23:49

I would definitely see him again. Just keep your eyes open and look at what he does, not what he says. Addicted drug users can be huge liars and can't generally be relied upon so see if he does what he says he will do. Good luck op.

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