Would you see this man again?

[datingescapades]

I've met a man from POF. We get on amazingly, he has a responsible job, lives locally, good looking . We had our first date last night. I have 2 DC, he has none.

The conversation got quite deep and he asked about why me and DC's father split up. I told him about ex's porn addiction, which led to a multitude of problems including ex lying, not having a sex life, my self esteem issues. All of which was unknown to me at the beginning of our relationship.

His face fell a bit, and he then said, 'I wouldn't usually say this so early, but in light of everything you've just said, it would be wrong not to.' He told me that when he was younger (10 years ago) his brother died in a horrendous traffic accident. He went off the rails for a while and began drinking and smoking weed, and had started dappling in cocaine but then realised he needed to stop and get help. This was over a 4 year period. He started seeing a counsellor and took himself off to a rehab centre abroad. He told me that it was good for him spiritually and mentally, taught him how to deal with his emotions, and he hasn't touched anything since then.

On the one hand I think it's very brave for him to admit to that, and it seems good he is being honest when he could've just said nothing. It's commendable he has gone and got himself clean, and in the circumstances I can understand why he might've turned to drink/drugs.
On the other hand, I have 2 DC to consider. I am very wary that he could be lying, or that this issue could creep up again in the future. What is to say he won't go through another difficult time and turn to it again.

I am so confused as to whether or not to have the 2nd date. If he hadn't of told me that I would have 100% seen him again. Am I just being overly cautious?

Sorry I'm not saying he is still addicted or that he's a liar. I meant if he isn't telling the truth then I think the mask would slip early on. But for some reason I think he's being honest. Just keep your head about you.

Would be a no from me.

A common easy way to make people believe an untruth or spin, is to tell them things in such a way that it looks as if they are placing themselves at a disadvantage. "I didn't have to tell you, I could have kept it to myself".

I agree I sense the makings of codependency.

Also can I ask why you shared such intimate details of your marriage with a stranger? That's really foolish. You don't know him.

I was like this with my ex but I was only 20 at the time. He later used every last vulnerability that I revealed to him as weapons with which to abuse me.

Don't be so open with strangers. Guard your heart, folk should work to earn your trust before you expose such intimate things to them...

Well yeah I would

I’m not sure how you’re worrying he’s been too much too son when you pretty much did the same. I have spoken about ex’s on first dates however it was more of a ‘here’s the basic details’. If you’re prepared to give proper details don’t flame the guy for doing the same

To look at it another way, he countered you telling him about your insecurity with talk of his own addiction. Feels ever so slightly manipulative. I don’t know.

Well it all sounds too much too soon, from both of you. You could easily have answered his question about your ex with someing lighthearted about ‘Oh, he displayed what some might call ‘unreasonable behaviour’, or ‘Oh, we wanted different things out of life’, or some such. Then open up more as you get to know and trust someone better. Not - ‘Pornhound left me with self esteem issues’!

I'm shocked there's even be a second date after all that very serious talk about ex's and emotional problems and drug use, your sex life with someone else .
In the nicest possible way OP you come across a bit vulnerable, i'd worry about repeating past choices.

He himself sounds pretty troubled. 4 years is a pretty big blip, i'd hardly call it going off the rails. The mutual sharing of personal problems might feel like you've 'bonded and feel positive but none of these issues ever disappear with no trace. Did you and him if he watches porn? Maybe that's why his face really fell...would it bother you?

I would take this much much slower than you are, and if he wasn't on board with that I would stop. I wouldn't be going on the second date either personally but whether you do that is for your own self to decide on!

I’d do another date. I’ve got a good friend who used to be an alcoholic. Got himself sorted. Now married with kids, successful businessman, into yoga etc and never touches the booze. People deserve a chance but you just need to be aware and capable of knocking things on the head if any red flags appear.

Give him a chance, I think it's brave of him to tell you and it seems like he has had to do a lot of soul searching. I've had a 'rocky' past, and have worked like hell to come through it to have the life I want. It takes a lot to open up to someone about that and risk being rejected because of it.

To look at it another way, he countered you telling him about your insecurity with talk of his own addiction. Feels ever so slightly manipulative.

Absolutely agree with this as well

I'm shocked there's even be a second date after all that very serious talk about ex's and emotional problems and drug use, your sex life with someone else .
In the nicest possible way OP you come across a bit vulnerable, i'd worry about repeating past choices.

Agree. You shouldn't be getting so deep so fast.

And you don't owe anyone anything. You have children. Don't feel you have to "give anyone a chance". Protect them and yourself.