Can anyone help us?

[AStupidFool]

I don't know why but I've resorted to seeking help from a community and this has always seemed a friendly, caring and helpful one. Maybe because I am naive in relationships myself, despite being the older of the two of us in trouble, but I need some guidance or advice if anyone feels they might be able to help. Thank you to anyone who reads all of this and tries to help.

I am 38 years old and hopefully you won't find this too surprising, but I'm a man. The trouble I have though is that I have disrespected the love of my life and she no longer feels romantically in love with me and I need to fix what I have done for both our sakes.

I have to explain how we met and our backgrounds if anyone is going to understand. As mentioned I am 38 and I had my first relationship when I was 24. I wasn't very attracted to her physically but I was pretty desperate and we got on well with each other. It was not love and we stopped the sex thing in 2008 maybe, maybe earlier. We are still flatmates and friends and I haven't sought a relationship since then, until love found me.

In 2016 on a social gaming site of all places another user and I got chatting and we were fabulous together. She was 21 at the time and I was 36. We sought to spend time with each other almost every day and we were the highlight of each of our days. We discussed some fantastic things for many months and discovered we thought so massively alike about almost everything. She became the only reason I went on the site and she has told me also that I was her only reason to do so. I was jealous that someone as fantastic as her would never be mine, I mean...I'm fifteen years older than her, she's not going to be interested in me right?

Well, we ended up moving our chats off the site and onto Google Hangouts we would see each other pretty much every day still and we watched films and things together. I discovered that she is in a situation where her choice of partner is not entirely hers to make and she wants to escape from that situation, and I offered out of deep friendship to marry her and then she could divorce me and be free to choose since that seemed to be her only way out, but she's not able to really and she wants to finish her education first. I started to help her with that since I have a degree in the same field and it's still really fun.

Then one day...after over a year since we had first met on the social gaming website, she asked me what my relationship was with my flatmate and I told her...to which her simple response was "I love you" and I simply replied "I love you too". For the record, I live in the UK and she in the USA with her parents and siblings. Due to her aforementioned situation, we haven't been able to meet in person because it would cause too many problems for her.

We found that we had even more in common as time went on and she was afraid initially that I would leave her because of the relationship being physically unfulfilled. This is her first relationship of this nature, she tried a couple of months with someone else when she was years younger and it didn't work out because he wasn't interested in giving her attention.

I allayed her fears that I would leave her and we have gone from strength to strength. I have been difficult at times because I found myself waiting for hours and it frustrated me not knowing when or if I would see her, she never really told me a time, or if she got busy she never sent a message that she wouldn't be around. Both would have been ok, but my frustrations came out wrong and they made her feel she needed to do more to please me, to spend more time with me and she then tried. She was having some difficulties and she left me for all of about two days, then I got her attentions back and explained what she felt wasn't the case and the matter was resolved, then we started talking on the phone from the date of our first anniversary.

This was even more fantastic, and she has a very pretty voice. Did I mention she is insanely beautiful too? We talked almost every day and everything was even more wonderful. We seem to feel each other's feelings too, at any time, we are soulmates and we both know that. A chance encounter that neither of us was looking for and yet we found each other and have a relationship and connection that we both feel most couples never have. The phrase love found us could never be more true.

But things have gone so terribly wrong. Her family do things which I believe are disrespectful of her, they don't treat her with the value she deserves sometimes and her 'situation' that she is not free to choose what she wants for her life I feel is disgusting. I have tried to convince and reassure her that she is free to do what she wants with her life at all times, but shortly before Christmas I had a rant about her family ill-treating her because I am so fiercely defensive of her and she told me plainly I had crossed the line and that she would not have anyone disrespect her family.

She went for a few days, partly because of moving house which I found out about afterwards, and she came back and told me she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore because of what I had said. I apologised and she was uncertain but went along with my apology and we enjoyed Christmas and New Year chatting with each other still. Then a few days after new year she told me she loves me but she has lost her attraction for me, that maybe time would heal her but that she wanted to remain friends.

Don't get me wrong, we founded our relationship on a deep friendship and we are soulmates, we will always be friends for sure and I have promised her that more than once, when her doubts have arisen and she has needed to feel secure. I have always been supportive of her and I will always be there for her no matter what.

We carried on talking most days as usual and I have never wanted to disrespect her decisions. Being older and having more life experience than her, I have always felt I should and have wanted to guide her in her best interests when she has been in difficulty, even if the difficulty was with me at the time. I tried so hard to give her the time but I love her and my heart was so lost when about five or six days later I was hit with a dread of her one day finding another person or through her 'situation' ending up with another person and accepting them as who she had to love in her life...and the thought of her sharing her love with someone else in the moments we have both dreamed of and talked about being so magical, having forgotten me, drove me to some sort of breakdown. I sent her a long message apologising and explaining as much I could about our relationship, I told her of those thoughts too and how they filled me with dread (I hadn't broken down by that point). We spoke and she told me she had sensed in her heart that I had not been ok through the connection we seem to have and we discussed a couple of things about it and she said again about maybe needing time.

But the effects of the dread caught up with me and by the middle of the night I was unable to control a panic spiral and I couldn't hold on to any thought to try and break it. It lasted a few hours and I'm still recovering I think with occasional tremors still and weird feelings. I turned to her for help and she came when she was able and helped me overcome the acute attack by talking me through things to do that would help. We spoke the next day and later on when we decided to talk a bit more about us and I broke down in tears about various things, she says she didn't cry but I don't believe her entirely, but the one thing that got me the most was that I had taken from her her happiness with me. We've obviously shared photos and there is a look in her eyes of belonging and trust and to think I have deprived her of that, even if for a short while until heals is the most devastating to me.

She comforted me and said she was still here and again that she thinks she might just need time to heal. She explained that she shut her feelings down to stop being harmed before Christmas and that they haven't come back on again. She told me some things about when I had been frustrated waiting for her long before that made me realise she had felt a prisoner sometimes and I was shocked and asked why she had never said about it, she insists she did and maybe I missed it, but I explained that was never the case. She said that I would have wanted more time always, I tried to convince her I would not have. I would not say it if it was not true. We discussed a few things about the plans we have together about doing fitness training and pursuing academic goals. She asked what my back up plan was if things didn't work out and we fell apart, which honestly suggests she considers us still together-ish. I told her honestly...I have none, that relationship-wise she is the only person I will love. We've said it so often to each other as well and that we would not live well, or live at all if we lost the other. I told her as She already knew and as I've explained above if you still remember that I have not sought a relationship, we just happened and love found us and that even if I were to try no-one would match up to her anyway.

I asked if I could undo the harm I've done, she doesn't know. I've asked if we can try things to restart our relationship and she has agreed to try. I'm so worried for her mental health because she has these occasions when she shuts down rather than experiencing a negative emotion since years before me that I have at various times told her I want to help her with. I believe she needs to experience the emotions and learn, with my support and guidance, in complete safety how to deal with them otherwise I think they might go unresolved and harm her later in life when they finally resurface and have to be dealt with. Absolutely no-one can lock up a negative feeling and keep it away forever and I want her to find that balance where she is in control and can be happy...and I will help her every step of the way.

I suggested this about what happened and she believes it should be talked about, is this the wrong thing to move forward with? Would revisiting it and discussing it be a bad thing and we should try and start anew and try and leave it behind, maybe for another time in the future if ever necessary? I don't want to harm our chances to move forward from this and her to heal. Should I even be asking her to try already?...or at all? Is this too soon? Does she need more time and is going along with things because she feels I need a softer drop and she will gradually lessen things with time? Can she try or is she fooling herself based on my beliefs?

She keeps asking questions about my self-esteem and belief in myself, and I feel these have made her feel less attraction for me. I have my plans which I only have because of her, to make a life with her, which she knows about and wants me to achieve. Is this all she needs? Do I simply need to reach these goals and her feelings will rekindle by themselves?

Today I have been positive about moving forward and discussed with her how we lost our intimacy and suggested plans to improve them and we have revisited a lot of moments we enjoyed, we have laughed and joked about things. We shared a new song, which I heard the other day after years of never hearing it and she told me she had used to listen to it when she was a teenager imagining sharing it with someone and being in love...another connection we found?

She's never lied to me about her feelings or what she wants and my heart is no longer afraid, but she seems detached...is this still her emotional shutdown, or is this her agreeing but not really feeling it will work, or has she truly lost her love for me?

For myself I want nothing more than love her and be with her...for us, I believe we have to try, the way we found each other and how more than perfectly we have had the same feelings, thoughts and desires and the unimaginable connection we have developed that is still there is too precious to not try and continue to share...for her, I want to give her every love and kindness that is possible, I want to be the best I can be so she enjoys me the most she is able to

I simply don't know what has gone wrong, not once has either of us held a malicious feeling towards the other, we have demonstrated love at every moment, even when frustrated or hurt, it has always been with pure love...and yet through misunderstanding and confusion things have led us here. We have always been equal and respectful, we've never done a single bad thing to each other and yet in my anger to protect her it has harmed her and us, in some stupid miscommunication of my frustration I made her feel she was not good enough and I have told her that was never the case, she's just misunderstood what I was telling her. Can I go through everything that has gone wrong and convince her of what the real situation was? Should I?

I wish I could visit her and kneel before her, take her hand in mine and tell her, show her that things she felt weren't the case. It's obviously of my cause and I have and would apologise again for them, I should have seen. Would that even help?

She is lost at the moment and will do nothing without guidance, and I must not guide her unfairly or selfishly, I know this, but my greatest fear for both of us and our relationship is that if she stays disconnected for too long, she will never reconnect, and it is for this reason that I am trying so hard...to deprive each other, but in more ways her, of us and all we could be for the sake of either waiting or trying would be so unimaginably wrong. I just don't know what is the right thing to do, can anyone help us?

Is English your first language?

It all sounds very intense for an OLR but I've never had one so what do I know? I think the danger is that you project your hopes and fears onto someone you've never met and in your head they become the person you want them to be. I do think though that she is trying to pull back and you have to accept that.
It sounds trite but taking up some kind of sport may help. I'd suggest talking to your GP about counselling.

What does your "flatmate and friend" suggest?

You were too old for her and way too intense, she's at a different stage of her life and is realizing you won't be part of it. She's probably letting you down gently because you sound very unhinged. Reading your post makes me think you possibly have mental health issues and perhaps need to seek some help for that?.

Yes

I too wonder if you have any kind of support like counselling.

That’s an awful lot of naval gazing for a supposed adult.
Does your ‘flatmate’ know about this non relationship? It all means diddly squat unless you’re waking up to their morning face, you’ve never met her?

You say you've shared photos. Does that mean that in over 2 years, you've not once video chatted?

It sounds like you've been catfished and she's just trying to find a way out of it.

I always think catfish in these situations

Sorry, the yes is in response to English being my first language that jessstan2 asked. Would it have helped if I had not missed a few words and presented it more formally with different sentence structures and so forth?

Thank you moredoll, I am a TaeKwon-Do instructor and we plan for me to teach her. I understand what you mean about hopes and fears. Having never met she is largely my interpretation of her words and her voice. I have often wondered myself if I would be everything she imagined when we meet in person. I've never wanted her to be anything more than she wanted for herself. Does OLR mean online relationship?

That was another thing that I wondered about Villagelifer. Does she feel I am hers? Does she trust me and feel safe? She has always said that she does and has never mentioned that she has doubts that I am entirely hers. There are other indications that demonstrate she isn't troubled by my living circumstances which, obviously I haven't shared. I tried my hardest to describe only what explained relevant information so everything I have put is not the picture in its entirety. My flatmate and I live in the same flat because it saves us money, she's never around anyway, she's always travelling some place new. I was even confused at one point because my love asked me, when we spent our first Christmas together, why my flatmate was not there and expressed her dislike of me going to be by myself on Christmas day, even though I would be spending time with her when she was able to get online to see me. For a while, at the start of our relationship in 2017, I was unwell and living with my parents for several months so I'm sure she realised there is nothing between my flatmate and I. We discussed a couple of matters and she wanted me to stay living with my flatmate for monetary reasons also.

Thanks Orillia93, I think. I have an autistic spectrum disorder which you can maybe appreciate is on the higher end of the spectrum since I can communicate and function. Certainly my love was concerned the other day for my mental health because she asked if I might be suicidal. I am not, and I told her so. I would consider that an insult to her love and care for me if I were to start allowing myself to consider that an option. I'm sure it would be possible were I to dwell on the appropriate things and let my emotions control me, but that isn't going to happen.

With regards to the age difference, we have both been aware of that and it has been an insecurity of mine, albeit very small, that I will start to become old when she is still quite young and it is expected entirely that I would die before her and leave her in this world. I had asked if that time came that she would find another and have companionship, and she told me she didn't know if she would be able to. Certainly I have felt that physically I might not be as enjoyable for her as someone else but she was determined that it was not the case. It is interesting you mentioned it though because there is a larger age gap between her father and mother than our fifteen years, he too being the senior.

She is very mature for her age, however you may be right. With regards to intensity, she has always led the relationship when we have increased our contact or developed something to add to our experiences. I felt this was the way it had to be so that she could discover herself and grow into the relationship when she realised things about herself. It was not my place to give them or force them because then she would not understand herself or her feelings and that would never be an equal relationship because she would become dependent.

In my attempts to try and explain the meaning of the relationship and how deep it has gone for us both, I fear I may have created a misrepresentation of many aspects and concerns both lacking and in excess in their qualities. I just wanted to give the best insight possible, so that a more applicable answer could be given. Perhaps if I ask just a series of questions it would be better.

Is the relationship worth saving?

Can the relationship be saved?

Should the relationship be saved?

Am I going about it the right way?

What things should I be doing if I am not going about it the right way?

Maybe these are better altogether to be asked, and I appreciate the input from anyone who does. Sadly, I think I just wait to die if we will never be and I would have self-pity for that because I do not feel a life should be alone and without companionship, but I would also feel such sadness that I took from her the chance to love the person she chose for the sake of being angry on her behalf.

The catfish scenario crossed my mind a few times, but we have actually made a couple of short videos not long ago and the nature of photos from her does suggest they are really her because of when and why they were taken. Also, the massive lengths of time we have spent together during the past few years and multiple phonecalls almost every day since we have been talking, and the in depth nature of our communications, planning for the future, sending each other gifts and their nature too...it would all be unsustainable if it was insincere. We have spent as much time together as if we lived with one another and far more time together than I know a lot of other relationships spend together that are in person, so I don't believe catfishing to be the case.

To add to the above, we still have plans and fully intend to remain in contact as such should we fail.

Surprising as it may seem, I have never seen her naval, despite her suggesting to share photos of such nature with me. I was very afraid at the time that I might desire her too much sexually if I saw those and she was shy about it anyway since she has never shared such photos of herself or shared herself in that manner with anyone. We thought we both might wait to do that in person.

The problem with online relationships is that you can present the very best of yourself online... this personality is not reality (although still very real in your own head).

The fact that you have not Skyped, lined, FaceTimed (and any of the many other video call platforms) is a really really bad sign.

I had a online thing for a bit, but due to funding, it didn't go anywhere. We did however video call every day...

In the end it did fizzle out when I met someone IRL... and honestly it is so much better getting to know the real person, not their online presentation.

Please don't invest this much emotionally as by your own admission there are doubts... and get out there and meet real people

I'm sorry OP, that still screams catfish to me. Videos are very very easy to fake, and seeing as there are so many free video calling systems (Skype, FaceTime, whatsapp video chat, snapchat) it seems bizarre that you haven't done this after 2 years of intense communication.

My own relationship started online, we were casual friends for 7 years before we decided we fancied each other enough to meet up. We're still together 8 years later, so it can work, but we Skyped all the time while we were long distance.

I can definitively say that while we were long distance we were promoting the best aspects of our personalities. It's easy to keep up, please don't delude yourself. Living with DP is worlds away from what I expected (and he'd agree) but I love him all the same.

I'm sorry, I have no advice for your questions, but if it were me, I'd be making damn sure she was real before getting even more emotionally attached me. Have you tried reverse google images on her pictures?

OK, you need to step back, your are in love with a person who is not real.
Does she leave a mess everywhere she goes?
Does she spend money like water?
Drink like a fish.?
You have no idea, as you only know what she tells you. And you will never have a family, or a partner in bed...
Please get some help.

Does she want to meet up?

To mildshock, I know the things you are suggesting and I am actually quite internet aware I think, I've been using it since 1994. The pictures are really only of her, I haven't reverse image searched her but I have looked up her name and things when I wasn't sure and she really just doesn't have an internet presence with her pictures. Some of them have been impulsive in response to something we've been chatting about, I forced her to take a picture of her bad hair one day when she was stressing about it, which she very much didn't want to do (it wasn't bad), she's sent me pictures of gifts I've sent to her address when we've been opening them together, she's sent me things herself that she has shown me before. She did take me on a tour round her shopping centre when she was shopping before Christmas so I could give her my opinion about a couple of things she was getting for her family too, so I trust they're real. I know where she works and we share access to her university account which I helped her apply to as her reference (I got contacted by the university directly) and she got accepted for and we do some of her work together. I've been on a couple of other accounts to help her with things and I've remote assisted her on her computer a few times which, she simply wouldn't do if there was anything she was hiding. I still don't think it's possible to spend probably an average of three or four hours doing things every day, talking every day, sometimes spending over twelve hours together in a day...and it be insincere. It would make a person insane to even try to achieve that level of alternate personalities.

To mummmy2017, what she calls untidy really isn't untidy and she is a very clean person and believes in doing household chores and tidying up on a regular basis so they don't ever need to be done. She has apologised a couple of times when some pictures in her bedroom were covered in revision and study papers on her desk or bed, it really wasn't untidy at all. She likes to spend money, not like a fish, but she enjoys spoiling and treating people and will easily spend money on little things for her family (and I) when she sees them. She does feel she spends too much and she wants to save money up with me in an account that would actually need to be in my name because of her situation. She doesn't drink alcohol, although I know her favourite foods and things, she's been wanting to try sushi for a long time but is scared because she's unsure of the smell of fish. I hear her family and things in the background sometimes when we're on the phone and stuff. She even did the wee whilst on the phone to me one time when she didn't want to hang up, and she knows I have a couple of problems where I sometimes shit myself lol to be honest, I don't want to go into many details that we have shared with each other but we know our bad habits and our difficulties and some horrific things too, we know our toileting habits and cleanliness routines, she's really very scared that my farts can be quite bad too and that I sometimes can snore, she dribbles in her sleep herself sometimes. I don't really understand your closing comment, I am here trying to get help.

To Queenofthedrivensnow...yes, but she's scared because of her situation that if she is seen with me by anyone in her family it would cause too many problems and she can't travel by herself for the same reason. If I were to go there, she would find a way to spend time with me, I just haven't because why should our first meeting be a worry for her? We have plans for me to teach her TaeKwon-Do which she refuses to do unless in person so we're waiting on that and we have other plans. I've applied for an ESTA thing actually and I'm on the verge of arranging a trip and to just turn up, she would spend time with me. I just don't know whether I should.

My first thought was catfish too. Op this is all madly intense, with an unbelievable amount of drama. You don't know this person, at all. Even if she is genuine, which seems unlikely, you only see what she wants you to see. There is no future in this, she has told you herself that her situation means you can't be together. I think you need to step away from the computer and try to find real life love/friendships.

Be very careful, OP... I suspect you are much more vulnerable than you think. Do you have friends other than flat mate you can trust to share this with? A counsellor who can read all of the chats and get to the bottom of this with you? I am worried that you might be being dangled and could end up very hurt and could miss out on real life love and relationships as a result.

Does having a real life relationship scare you? Do you prefer an online relationship? I find it very strange that you'd invest so much time in something that isn't 'real'. Don't you want to experience intimacy, sharing things in person, going out together, holidays? Does your autism prevent you from meeting people?
To me, this isn't life. It's wasting time on some fantasy that is never going to happen. You could have met someone amazingly real by now and sharing a great life.

I have too many difficulties with life these days to go out and enjoy myself. I have a sensitivity to noise which prevents me going anywhere where I might find a compatible female. I don't have many means, I have asthma that's sensitive to perfumes and fragrances which women love too, I'm quite like to go bear one and effectively have an allergic reaction lol I have barriers and I have financial insecurity at the moment. I am very talented both physically and mentally, but through various things that are now problems for me I can't use those talents so I am not an attractive man. Women will look at me and go "Well what does he do? He has these gifts and he's wasting them." they won't see any benefits for them and they would likely have to make changes I don't feel would keep them feeling good about themselves. Now obviously if I could write a singleton resume with all my needs, my difficulties and the prospects of my life and someone had a clear picture before entering a relationship with me of what they would be entering in to, they can make that choice for themselves, but the world doesn't work like that and so I have not met anyone in real life.

I do wholeheartedly agree with everyone's comments and opinions on this relationship. For all that it truly is another person and she has read that resume and made that decision, I understand this is still psychologically mostly a relationship with myself and my thoughts and she is but controlling them with her words and a few pictures, with the promise of being a fulfilling relationship at a point in the future, but I honestly believe in this woman and I cannot help but love her. Whilst I am unlikely to convince any of you with skepticism about the situation of how very open and honest it is, both her and I believe in each other and through various conversations while we were just friends praying about on the internet, we found striking similarities that surprised us both because we'd never mentioned them before and there was no way we could have found out either, and when she asked if we could make a go of things together we went from strength to strength and found more similarities and goals and discovered we are made for each other. She has had her doubts and her fears about me...she only wants for me to fulfil my potentials and as difficult a road as it will be for me and even uncertain, I want to so that she can feel proud of me. And yea, you can say I could find anyone who would feel the same way, but I really doubt there would be so much in common. She has had her difficulties in life too and been held back from feeling young as she should for her age, is uncertain and scared of how she can escape her situation when the time comes. I want to give her her freedom, to make her feel young and beautiful as she is, to help her do these things she's capable of and wanted to but been held back from. Neither of us wants something from the other outside of normal things like respect and kindness, value and reciprocation.

You could be telling her the same things you are telling me and she would give you very likely a similar or same response. I don't think she is as confident in herself as me to be able to discuss these sorts of matters with complete strangers like this, but I am. I think we are all people and feel the same things, have likes and dislikes, problems and curiosities which there is no fear in ever telling anyone about. I get occasional haemorrhoids, and someone who's never asked or wanted to know might think well why the hell would you announce that? Because, so what? Is there anything intrinsically wrong with a condition that can afflict anyone and which there is widespread availability of treatments for? People just don't typically do it because of the nature of society and it being considered taboo to whatever varying degree. I am comfortable with that so I am here and can discuss anything. There's two of us suffering here at the moment and if one can't reach out for help but the other can then the one who can must surely be able to do so if the relationship has any chance of working. If it breaks on that fundamental level that when in need nothing is done then yea, it's not going to work.

But regardless, I love her, and she loves me and she is in an emotional crisis at the moment and I am all she has to help her with that. I'm going to do what I need to. Yea, I'm in an emotional crisis too, and do you know, she's helped me. I believe the internet allows people to express themselves in more intimate ways sometimes than in verbal communication. The number of times I have spoken to people and not been aware of any feeling or purpose behind those words in person, but then I've chatted to them online and found many emotions and goings on that just aren't expressed in any other manner. There is a reason why psychological and psychiatric helps encourage people to write things down, send letters and keep dialogues. It's just different. I'm not favouring it over real life communication, although it is easier for me with my difficulties, but I believe it is wholly possible with the right communication and ability to communicate to form a relationship online. She does also. I could go on and on I'm afraid, that likely is a trait of my ASD a common complaint that I write in essays has been thrown about many time because of me putting a sentence instead of one or two words lol

Thank you for all your inputs so far, whilst it's impossible for everyone to agree I really appreciate that each one of you cares and why

You are a very intelligent and articulate person! I think it's such a shame you're wasting your life on this woman - I don't mean that nastily but she pulls all the strings with her 'disappearing acts' and ' family drama' - you deserve so much more! I wish you'd seek some (further maybe) help to over come the social barriers you have

You are putting so many barriers in your own way.

Do you really think that someone with ASD and tinnitus/synthaethesia has never had a relationship or got married?

Stop making excuses for yourself. You're choosing an online relationship because the alternative of actually meeting someone in real life is too scary.

FYI: On your dating profile, and on your dates, don't say that you're mentally and physically talented. You're probably not.

FYI2: Also definitely don't mention the hemorrhoids. Whilst I agree with your reasoning, I don't want to be sat having a coffee with a bloke picturing the state of his arse piece.

You shouldn’t be doing this. It’s wrong.

You’re a lot older than her, she’s vulnerable due to her upbringing. You’re likely to get her into a lot trouble with her family (and her college/university - it’s supposed to be HER work, not yours).

You are trying to tie a very young woman to you, when you admit you’re not physically or emotionally well.

Every time she pulls away, you drag her back in.

You need to see someone who can help you understand this isn’t good for her or for you.

You need to get into a better place both physically and mentally, then meet someone you can have a real relationship with.

I’m very sorry about the problems you have and I hope you can get help, but you cannot drag this very young woman into this situation. Let her go.