Am I going mad?

[lowerthanalowthing]

I feel like I'm losing my mind and doubting myself all the time.

My husband is so moody. I feel like he's always got a problem with everything. House a mess (he will swear and slam about) daughter talks too much about herself (show me a girl that doesn't) my best mate is manipulating me (his words)

When we go out he portrays himself as a fun man but I feel like it's all fake - and it will also depend who is watching!! If my ex is out - he will do nothing but laugh and be loud making us look like we have an amazing relationship. He does the same on social media.
Truth is I don't like him. He calls people, he refers to people of different ethnic backgrounds in a derogatory manor, he makes fun of me - but if I take offence he just says he's joking and that I'm too sensitive. Some days he will come home and not speak to me cos he's had a bad day, others days he will be happy and singing and happy. Our kids avoid him cos he's so negative. When he goes out they all come out their rooms and sit with me, when he comes back they all scurry back off! It's mad! Our son doesn't like him cos he's always moody...it breaks my heart but he's blind to it.

I live with this and then it builds and builds and I flip and he gets a load of verbal off me - I do call him miserable and nasty and that I don't like how he behaves etc but then he says I'm abusing him and that he's googled it and that I'm a narcissist and I'm abusing him and I have no right to call him names or argue and that it's a form of abuse.

I feel rotten inside like he has a point cos when it all builds up I do say some horrible things but it's like I explode with frustration.

I can't even pin point what he does - it's just his general way. He's rude and arrogant and I have lost what I see in him at all! He pays the bills and seems to think that gives him licences to be mean to everyone! The weird thing is when I do confront him describes himself as a fun loving man who is abused by me.

I think I'm losing my mind - I don't know what to think anymore. I just feel like leaving tbh.

Has he always been like this or is it a recent change? If it’s recent, is there something external causing him stress like work or family issues? Could be something stressing him out and causing him to act differently, but equally I’ve seen people become more intolerant as they get older so it could be that. Could you try talking to him when you are both calm and perhaps think about what you’re going to say and how you frame it in advance, so he can’t accuse you of being a narcissist?

Why are you still there? How about making a plan to split up, get some legal advice, see how things would look, and allow yourself to imagine living without him?

Wow that sounds like my Ex, minus the children!
After we broke up, nobody could believe how he was behind closed doors, compared to out in public.
At home, he would always make fun of me, claim it was a joke and then tell me I was being too sensitive. However i realised thayt if i felt loved and cherished within the relationship, I'd find a bit of banter more funny. With him it never felt like banter.
If you feel like leaving, I suggest that you do. It won't go away, and I doubt he'll change.
Good luck

When we first met he was OTT romantic amazing and loving! Rose petals on the bed, cards, presents - lasted until I moved in basically! Lol

He has been like this for around ten years ish! Not new at all. It's his personality.

I feel stuck in a cycle cos he's lovely to me then starts slipping then is horrible... My gut is saying something isn't right with it all. But when he talks to me he says the same in reverse basically - he has no friends! And our kids don't like him! That to me speaks volumes! I have lots of friends and my kids love spending time with me!!

But then I listen to what he says and I'm scared I'm the abuser 😭

I just don't know what to think - I feel like I'm going crazy

lowerthanalowthing you are NOT the abuser at all!! Don't ever let him make you believe you are! I think you should have a sit down with and have a proper talk, send the children to the grandparents for the night and really sit down and talk with him, he needs to know how you and your children feel about him, if not before he knows he'll be getting old and he won't have a relationship with his children which he will end up regretting

It's pretty classic hallmark behaviour of an abuser to lovebomb and sweep you off your feet, and then once you're committed, the mask starts to slip.
The nice-nasty cycle - check.
Turning it round on you/gaslighting you - check.

Feeling confused and woolly-headed is natural because of the cognitive dissonance between what you're being told by him and the reality of what you're experiencing.

Anyway, one solid fact you have - your kids are unhappy. They don't like their own father. That's all kinds of wrong. You need to think about putting them first and getting them out of this environment.

Even if you were at fault (you're not) that wouldn't be reason to stay with him - it's absolutely toxic

He's a gaslighting shit.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this asshole playing mind games?
Someone who truly cares about your feelings doesn't tell you you're too sensitive; instead they listen and try to reassure you.
Your kids are growing up thinking that this is what is normal. Should they find themselves in similar circumstances they won't realise it's not right. Do you want this for them?

LTB, basically. What a horrible atmosphere for you and the DCs to be in. Can you get any counselling? It might help you to get things clearer in your mind and make a solid plan for change - you sound panicked and worn out, can you lean on friends and family for some support, both practical and emotional? Be calm and strong - you can do this, and make the changes you and DCs clearly desperately need.

You posting here about this shows you've reached a point where things can't carry on as they are anymore. You deserve so much better.

Hes gaslighting you, no wonder you feel like you're losing your mind.
Why are you with him? You have one life! It shouldn't be spent in turmoil and misery. Your poor children shouldn't have to live like this. They could resent you in the future for staying. Put them first. Believe me you'll be much happier by yourself - tough at first but then freedom and peace.

Thank you all so much for confirming my thoughts.

I do feel the problem lies with him but then when I lose my shit I feel guilty about it if that makes sense and I end up apologising for saying nasty stuff (which is all actually true)

Our eldest daughter moved out because of him (she is 19) she openly admits he got on her nerves!

I have lived with him so long it's all I'm used to and know now so I was doubting if it's me or him. But deep down I do know what my gut is telling me.

He behaves unlike anyone I've ever known on my life. My parents live abroad and he goes out his way to slag off my dad for being horrible (my dad was a very narcissistic man) and he says I am him! My kids don't agree with him and when he says it they jump to my defence.

It is a horrible place to be - we just moved into his mums house - mortgage free but it's his and his mums, I only work part time, I'm stuck. My eldest has said if I left she would move home with me and help pay the rent.
I just feel like I should be now starting my life with him, but I'm finding it worrying and lonely.

My stbxh was very similar to this. Two years after he left me (he says i left him) i still feel mentally confused and because of this its a struggle to move forward.
What i have learnt is the issue is his personality and thats something you can not change!! My stbxh was very very moody, disconnected and controlling, the moodiness was clear for most people to see. I think it served a per pus as it allowed him to control and manipulate. There for the whole family was singing to his tune! Our children are young so didnt really have acknowledge what he was like. But it put a huge strain on all the relationships i had, be it with family, work colleagues or friends. He was also very obsessive so one day he would really think the world of someone the next day he would disown them, it was truly odd.
You need to be careful as his behaviour will drive you litually mad, as it did me i had a mental breakdown. Which was brought on by his behaviour i was so so confused by what he said v his actions. This is a classic sign on narcissistic behaviour. Once i had had the nervous breakdown he of course implied i was the one who needed help and looked as if he was the victim in it all. It was absolutely insane! He also used to re right history which was confusing. Its like its one big game!
Look up personality disorders, he sounds as if he could have one.
Honestly get out its so so unhealthy, and you will only really realise the extent on of once your out of it. You become so desensitised and distorted.

Wow allalittlebitshit!!!!!

They sound like the same person!!

He doesn't hide his moods - to the point his behaviour will stand out. Like we had party NYE (he hates parties) but I wanted one so I arranged it, and because I did it all when all the guests came - all trying to make conversation with him, he took the dog for a walk!

I find his behaviour embarrassing it's like he has no idea what is funny - and should he actually said out loud - and what you whisper lol. He just doesn't seem to care.

Eg, we went to the pub. A lovely old man sat with his devoted King Charles spaniel by his side sat on a bench in the corner. Not harming anyone. Loudly he starts to express how it's disgusting a dog being on the furniture. This man looked hurt by my husbands rant, but he didn't care. I was so embarrassed. I ended it by saying the dog looks clean and well groomed to me! Prob cleaner than a lot of the punters in here lol.
I then told him to try and consider the poor old mans feelings - but of course he couldn't do that cos he was right!!!

Was your husband always right?

My hubby has a reason for everything when he's confronted. Absolutely everything.

You're not your father, you've married him 'tho.

Why would you even want to be "starting life" with him, when you're so unhappy? You've got one shot at life, why would you want to keep living it like this?

You're not stuck, you could look for fulltime, or you might be entitled to top-up with tax credits, you could accept your dd's help in getting out (bless her for wanting to rescue you)

Start making a plan, look into what you'd be entitled to benefit/housing wise and what eldest DD could contribute if you got a place together. Get your ducks in a row first so you're ready to go before you tell him and be prepared for him to ramp everything up once he knows you're leaving. It will be difficult for him to argue though, after all if you are so abusive and such a terrible person why would he want you to stay?

Rest assured though, this is him, not you and he will fuck with your head (and DC's) for years to come if you stay. Time to get away

I'm with @sallymummy123

I recommend you read Why does he do that by an author called Lundy Bancroft
I've seen it recommended here for Women in abusive relationships
Also do the freedom programme.
You are not going mad, this is all down to his behaviour

It's also really common, the way your partner is behaving... It's textbook for an abusive man.
So common that there will be loads of women here who can predict all his moves down the line.
However. This is a forum with lots of woman that are (sadly) experts in the cycles of domestic abuse, having experienced it themselves.
In the real world you still have to be quite resilient , as people find it hard to accept that their impressions/ assumptions about a person do not match what you are enduring behind closed doors. This Is why you feel you're going mad. But vent here.
I wouldnt waste a second of time trying to discuss it with him, he'll just use it against you down the line.
The way he behaves in his own home is his truest self , everything else is bullshit. Leave the miserable fuckwit and start enjoying your life.

Oh and a big YES to the re writing of history .
These men can literally spend a holiday screaming at you and destroying every fibre of your being , and then wax lyrical about what a magnificent time you had afterwards. It's enough to make anyone lose their marbles.

and it's mega confusing.
A total head fuck.
Even the violent ones will sit through a documentary on domestic abuse and they will say " ooooh how awful" "how could a man do such a thing" etc etc. Even if they do it themselves daily. It's INSANE!
They will tell you how this/that/the other person was just amazed by their work ethic/parenting skills/kindness/charitable tendencies and you'll just sit there and think "fucking really???? Are they blind or fucking stupid? "
And the answer is yes. Yes . Most people are when it comes to these matters .

I've just told him. I've been feeling like this for the best part of 12 months. This isn't rash or me being impulsive - reading all your comments gave me strength.

I've told him.

He agreed we can't live together and that we don't get on - but then said he would go to the bank and borrow some money to give me as we ploughed all our savings into a home that isn't even legally mine. But he does ally least realise that. He asked me why - I explained I didn't like his personality and that it isn't fair of me to want to change him, he should be him. I just don't like the way he is. He seemed to accept what I said. But said that he won't let go cos he loves me too much - I asked what that means. He then asked if this is a clean break? I said yeah - he went into the kitchen started throwing things. He threw the clothes airer which was full of clothes across the room and slammed doors etc - he then said 'im going to tell the kids' I said do what you like!!! He left.

I'm a bag of nerves now not sure what to expect

You were warned he'd ramp it up once he knew, OP. Do you have anywhere to go - temporarily?

Oh and But said that he won't let go cos he loves me too much

That is not his call to make. He doesn't own you.

You are very brave.
I would urge you to let someone in real life know what's going on, a trustworthy friend, a relative etc.
As for what to expect, I'd brace yourself for things like, he has chest pains, he feels he's having a heart attack, he feels he might as well jump off a cliff, etc
Just stay strong and try not to reveal too much to him

Oh and
"I'll tell the kids" is that a threat? He wants to vilify you to your children.
It is a totally revealing demonstration of what a shit he is.
Why would he want to do anything other than protect the feelings of his own children?